The Adoption Option

Bad Blogger

2011-10-11T19:44:00.003-05:00

I admit I have been a very bad blogger recently. But I've come to a decision - it's time to bid farewell this fine blog. This website was started to share my experiences in the adoption process and gain support during a time in my life I felt very along and isolated. It has served it's purpose splendidly - bringing me friends from all corners of the world and allowing me to in turn support them during their adoption processes.

However - my adoption journey is over. And although, I have little doubt that my friends would still be interested in my day-to-day journey, this is no longer the place for that. I've decided to return to a paper journal for awhile - a place where I won't feel the need to edit or worry about judgement (not that any of you judged me - ever!) in order to sort through what's been going on in my life and in my head.

In time I may start up a new blog, one where people will know what they are getting into - aka my random rants and crazy head talk :) Until then you can find me on Facebook or drop me an old fashioned email to say HI :)

I'll always be grateful for this format for getting me through those rough spots and bringing people into my life that have brought such joy and friendship.

This blog is forever dedicated to my boys - bringing everything from frustration to happiness, but mostly completion to my life.

What a magical weekend

2011-07-26T20:04:00.005-05:00

So, since I don't blog very often, I'm not sure everyone out there knew about my planning this giant event called the Thai Family Reunion. It's a weekend held every other year for families with children from Thailand. Each time a different volunteer hosts and organizes the weekend. 2011 belonged to me - and for forever more it will be one of the most magical experiences of my life.

26 families came from across the country (and 1 more from South Africa) to just basically hang out together. (The above picture is our group shot and even that is missing some people) It felt like a college experience all over again. In such a short period of time, people became best friends, kids bonded with each other, and we all lived in the same place. I'm kinda going through withdraw now that it's over. I miss people I just met, wished I had more time to chat, and long for another night hanging out in the hall (yes, that really happened). And watching Jesse....although in all honesty I was so busy most of the weekend Courtney and Jim did a lot of Jesse watching for me!....jeez nice parenting right?.....anyway - Watching Jesse interact with families that looked like ours was priceless. There were Thai kids, white kids, Chinese kids, and a Guatemalan kid....there were birth siblings, adopted siblings, older siblings, younger siblings.....

I've taken Jesse to many Thai cultural events in the past. He is always in awe when surrounded by Thai people - he gets that we don't look like him. He enjoys being around others that do look like him, even though I'm still mom and all that. But for him to see other Thai kids with white parents....families that looked just like us. That had stories like us...they all had gotcha days - they all had a coming home story...they were all from somewhere. He let loose like I've never seen him do before.

It was interesting seeing all those Thai teenage boys - so grown up, nice, polite, handsome, and knowing one day Jesse would in fact be one of those "guys" and not my little baby anymore. But also seeing the ones coming up behind him - knowing one day he'll be the example. Knowing that this Thai adoptive community keeps growing.

I can honestly say I have friends all over the country now - many of whom I hope to see again soon. The next reunion will be in Boston in 2013....but Chicago 2011 will always belong to me.

Robin and T - my backbone during the planning and the weekend.

The above is a picture with a family we met in Thailand while bringing Jesse home. They were bringing home their son (wearing black).

Jesse and his new girlfriend. Good thing we live fairly close!

Jesse and his buddy - another Thai Red Cross kid!

Teachers and adoption

2011-05-04T22:33:00.003-05:00

Jesse and I attended his Kindergarten round-up tonight. A night for the parents to meet the teacher and the kids to see the class room. It was nice for Jesse to see a new group of kids, but he was still comfortable since there are a lot of siblings coming in this year. So he already knows a lot of them. This I think will really help his transition and comfort level.

Jesse has been home since before Ian started Kindergarten - many of the teachers know about his adoption status and I figured since we were around so much, most everyone did. However, when I approached the kinder teacher and mentioned it she seems surprised and confused. A reaction I'm used to by now. I just explained that I wanted her to know in case he should mention anything (which is often does) in conversation. He knows things most kids his age might now - like he can't be President. I didn't want him to say something in class that would shock or surprise her. I think I've mentioned before about this seminar I went to about adoption in education. It was amazing and so many valid points were made and absorbed. One being that if a teacher is not made aware of the history, a mention of adoption might noticeable surprise them. Makes perfect sense. The idea is that if a child sees that reaction they will think "oh wait...maybe adoption is weird, or strange, or bad...maybe I shouldn't talk about it". Again makes perfect sense. So why is it that none of the teachers I talk to seem to understand that?

I made a point of saying "adoption does not make him special, it's just his story like everyone has a story. I don't want him to think adoption makes him special." Her response..."Well, doesn't adoption make him special?" My opinion - no. Adoption is something that happened to him, a part of who he is and how we became a family. A lot of people have stories of how they arrived at where they are today. Some kids in his class are from another country - does that make them special? I don't think so. Does it make us all unique - yes. Do we celebrate adoption in our family - yes! Do I think he needs to be praised for being adopted - no.

Am I alone in this? I mean, I know I'm not really because this is exactly what some PhD studied and speaks on...but come one people! Every single teacher!!!!!

And to think if I didn't mention it - if Jesse saw those initial looks on their faces what would he think? Anyway just another baffling night with the educators at our school. Feed back appreciated.

Oh - and another thing - don't get me wrong, I don't feel the need to tell everyone I meet about Jesse's adoption. However, I think it's important to mention a few things here or there. Tuesday night I dropped Jesse off at tumbling class...Sam was picking him up. The teacher had never met Sam or Ian. So I just said "His dad is picking him up - big guy, long blonde hair." Is that wrong or weird? I'm just trying to make situations less weird.

Heading into Spring?

2011-04-27T11:08:00.002-05:00

Well - all the birthday craziness is over, the holidays are over, and swim season is on break (from meets not practice)....and now we just wait for the weather to get warm. Hopefully we don't have to wait too long. Here in Chicagoland we have not had much of a Spring yet - so it's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that school will be out in about 1 month!!!!! We have nothing planned!

Well - that's not true - we know what we want to do just haven't actually booked anything. And I'm still working on the Thai Family Reunion - hope those registration forms start coming in soon!

Jesse is all registered for Kindergarten - I can't believe it! He's really developing into his own, which is awesome to see but it's hard to say good-bye to my baby. Ian .... well Ian is Ian and the older he gets the more gray hairs I get :) I see a lot of myself in him - but I don't remember that in me until I was a little older....sorry Mom and Dad. At least I turned out to be a decent person, so I know Ian will get through just fine...me on the other hand - not sure :)

Just a little update while I had time. Really nothing exciting or life changing happening now. It's currently National Infertility Awareness Week. It's always in the back of my mind how lucky I am to have my family - but I will never forget the struggle it took to get here. So many are still struggling - keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

2011-02-24T22:47:00.002-06:00

Today Jesse turned 5! Hard to believe! He was a little under the weather today and I'm hoping that's why he didn't seem very excited about his birthday. As the day went on, he just didn't seem to care that it was his special day, so I started to think....maybe I can't inspire that in him.

I mean, I wasn't there the day he was born...I wasn't aware of him on the day he was born....I don't have a story about the day he was born....maybe he can sense all that? Maybe he feels the difference between his gotacha day celebrations and his birthday celebrations. Maybe he knows that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I love him, I have no real connection to the day he was born. I celebrate it with love and enthusiasm....but with no real connection. Am I ruining his birthday forever? Will he never feel it's a great special day? Is this just his personality - the same thing the keeps him from getting attached to any one particular toy, sport, blanket, shirt..... I mean I'd be really worried if he wasn't so bonded to us, so I know there are no issues there. But it's just stuff....he doesn't seem to treasure anything in particular - including his birthday.

Now he is not learning this by example. I happen to think my birthday is one of the best days ever - not only does it have a nice ring to the date, but also I have a purple birthstone, a cool zodiac sign, and I was born the year of the Dragon! I celebrate with gusto every year and take in all the birthday wishes (thank you Facebook for making it even more awesome)! What can I say - I like being alive and I love my birthday. Jesse...not so much. Don't most kids love their birthdays?

Anyway - today I celebrated the best way I knew how. I told him how special he is, how much I love him and how grateful I am that he was born. I showered him with hugs and kisses (as many as he would grant me) and let him eat Red Velvet cake for breakfast. We didn't talk too much about his birthmom but I thought of her often and hope that 5 years later she is able to celebrate today as well.

Deep inside

2011-02-08T21:35:00.002-06:00

This entry comes from a place in my heart I never thought I would achieve. Over the past several years of my life, I have entertained many emotions regarding my self worth. Measuring my abilities against those around me, primarily my ability to have children. I have gone through many stages of feeling broken. The sadness of not being able to easily get pregnant. The frustration of not being able to choose my family building methods. The self-loathing of knowing that from this "condition" I have the most wonderful two boys - so shut up already, right?!?!?!? Wrong. These thoughts circled in my head long after Jesse came home.

I know my family is complete but I often wonder if that was choice made from necessity. Did I tell myself that because I knew this was it - there were no other choices or options in my future. I may have - in the beginning. But after a rash of baby births recently and the unexpected pregnancy announcement from an acquaintance....I realized I no longer feel broken or empty or frustrated. Do I adore babies - yes! Would I have loved to have created my family without stress or sadness - yes! Do I realize how wonderful of a family I have - yes! And most of, I no longer feel like I'm missing something - inside or out. I am actually able to be excited for my friends (nearly family) who are welcoming these babies without one hint of envy or sadness. I think I told myself I was at this place before - but until this recent woman told me I don't think I actually realized how "fixed" I am. My first thought when she told me was NOT jealousy - it did not feel like a punch in the gut - I was really happy! Because babies make me happy. Simple as that.

I think I can officially say I have come out of this long journey and although I am who I am today because of it....it is no longer who I am today.

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-18T19:44:00.002-06:00

Holiday craziness

2010-12-17T16:09:00.002-06:00

So, of course right when I decide to start blogging again, my life explodes into craziness! But now I am able to breath again. We had a fantastic Thanksgiving with at my sister's house, which led into a hectic week of Hanukkah, which led into a few weeks of gathering teacher gifts, holiday parties, and some baking. Ahhhh - but today everything is calming down. Ian and Jesse are both on school break now, so maybe I can sleep in for a few days next week :)

Since I haven't been blogging in a while, I'll catch some of you up. Several months ago, I had a bit of a health scare. I've been living with Type II diabetes ever since Ian was born - and for several years it was very well controlled......and then it wasn't. It's no secret I have weight issues but beyond that my diabetes was not being controlled properly anymore. My doctor felt it might be time to explore insulin. This scared the crap out of me! So I did everything in my power to get things under control. I went on a strict diet, counting my carbs and measuring everything I ate. I did loose a few pounds, but more important my sugar levels dropped back into the well-controlled range! I was so excited! I thought I had things in check.....and then came Halloween. OH MY GOD! I thought I was going to be able to ignore all the glorious chocolate and candy....mmmmm, not so much. And then came Thanksgiving, and then cookie exchanges, and holiday parties. Well, needless to say I think my weight has gone back up a little (not too much, since my new clothes still fit) but I'm super scared to have my sugars checked in a few weeks! I just hope my doctor is understanding enough to realize I WILL get back on track. Keep your fingers crossed my numbers have not gone all crazy again! I would say I've been good about 80% of the time, but when I slipped, I really slipped!

Anyway - wanted to get that off my chest! I think it's going to be fun to have the boys around for a few days.....two weeks! Well, we'll see if we all survive :)

Hope everyone out there is gearing up for a wonderful holiday season with family and friends and lots of love!

To blog or not to blog

2010-11-01T21:48:00.002-05:00

I've been hearing some rumblings about my dead blog....and I've been feeling very conflicted about this project that I feel so proud of and yet currently so far removed from. I started this blog as an outlet for the emotional ups and downs of the adoption process. A way to get the thoughts out of my head without having to verbally inflict them on anyone. This blog grew into so much more than my therapy. It has introduced me to some fabulous people and in term allowed me into their wonderful lives and families, hopefully creating life-long friendships.

However, people logged on to read about the adoption - to hear about our progress and the struggles and then to finally witness our successes. But our adoption journey is over. Now I'm just a mom of two boys - I have ups and downs and wishes and hopes but do people want to read about all that? I guess I just wasn't sure if people would want to continue hearing my emotional outburts - "listening" to my rants (good or bad) over the boys, work, life, leisure.....all of the above :)

So recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking...since I've stopped writing I realize I keep a lot more bottled up inside. It's hard to find time to sit and hand write a journal entry - typing is faster and can be a little more easily interrupted. But again - the idea behind a blog is that people will read it or should want to read it......do people really want to read about me? My life?

Feel free to chime in if there are still people out there - but this old blog might get some new life pretty soon.

All those memories

2010-06-07T21:46:00.002-05:00

We've been celebrating here the last few days - and it will continue for the 2 weeks. Tomorrow is Jesse's 3rd anniversary of joining our family. We have a lot of dates to remember and celebrate. Two days ago, is the day we first met. Tomorrow is the day we took custody of him. June 13th is the date of our CAB meeting, where Thai officials blessed us as a family, and June 20th is the day we came home and became a family of 4. The first two weeks of June are filled with wonderful memories and anniversaries....however so are the past 3 years.

Once again, I can't believe it's ONLY been 3 years - Jesse has been mine forever. But I remember our trip like it was yesterday - he was so small and so scared and so sad! His personality today reflex none of that. He's a jumping bean full of energy and laughter. He's a clown and negotiator - so complex we never could have predicted it from those first few weeks.

It's been a whirlwind 3 years and I look forward to the next year and all the years we have to come. I remember with gratitude the TRC and all the love they give the children in their care.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:40:00.002-05:00

Today is Mother's day - a day I have mixed feelings about. I don't know if it's because of my struggle with becoming a mother or just the overall belief that everyday you should respect and love your mother. I don't ask for gifts or fancy meals - although, the nice fresh bagels for breakfast this morning were per my request :) I just like being able to relax and choose how I spend the day. Today I spent the day in my PJs, snuggling with my boys off and on, listening to them play, working on cross-stitch, and watching tv.

I also spent the day thinking of a special mother half way around the world. She is raising her boy and hopefully spending a loving day with him today - but I was lucky enough to spend the day with OUR boy. And I remember there are so many birth mothers who's day today is not filled with the love of another child, but the empty space of the child they granted to another mother. I wish there were a day where they could walk around proudly and receive flowers at church and be taken to brunches and bbqs - for they are the true meaning of Mother's Day. The selfless love and commitment to a child shines bright through the eyes of a birth mother! THANK YOU!

Starting off the New Year

2010-01-21T17:00:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to post for awhile now but it's hard to sit down and just do it. Especially with the things that have been on my mind lately. Sometimes it seems better to just ignore your thoughts and push through the day.

The year started off with the news of a friend losing her husband. Attending a funeral is hard enough, attending one of a 52 year old father of 2 is worse. And the fact that he went from healthy to sick to gone in a matter of weeks makes the whole thing so wrong. I never really knew this man. I'd seen him in passing, dropping off his wife for group lunches and what not. A wave here or there - nothing more. I do know his wife and his sons, and I adore them. There is no one in this world that deserves this less. But you can't sit through a service like that and not reflect on your own life and loved ones.

What would it be like for my sons to sit through a service like that? What would it be like for me to have to say good-bye to my husband? Especially so many years before it was suppose to happen. What if they had to say good-bye to me? And of course the worse case, who would raise my boys if something were to happen to both of us? I hate the idea of someone else taking care of my children. Someone else deciding if their behavior deserves praise or punishment. Would another person give Jesse enough kisses? Let Ian keep his hair long?

I've never been comfortable with death - mine or anyone else's. I just hate the idea of going on as usual when a piece if missing. I know people who have passed away. I know people who living without a very dear love one.....but it doesn't make it sit any better with me. Is there any way to get over it?

I don't really have any major revelations about the subject. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-24T12:49:00.000-06:00

Wow - has it been that long?

2009-12-21T21:07:00.002-06:00

I know I've been very neglectful of my blog but I hadn't realized it had been that long. I think about posting and think about things to share with the bloggisphere but it never seems to get done. There is swim practice to drive to, homework, TV to watch, books to read....I'd say house to clean but I think you know me better than that :) Anyway - it's been a busy few months.

Ian is full blown in the swim season. He's been doing great at his meets and getting better at his strokes. His coach and I feel he's a championship butterflier waiting to hatch. He's still getting down the coordination of the stroke but he's upper body strength shows much promise. He's also a great backstroker, as long as he doesn't slow down near the wall :) Ian is also doing great in the first grade.

Jesse is also doing well. He's finally marching into school with his head held high and no longer needing to be handed off to the teacher. He's still very serious in class and sticks close to his one friend, Daniella, but his teachers adore him so what more could I ask for?

It's actually once again Jesse that has driven me to post. Not really him specifically but an issue dealing with his adoption. Around this time every year I write a letter to his birthmother. Not really a holiday type thing, but I want to make sure there is something new in his folder in time for his birthday, just in case. This year I'm having a hard time getting started. Before, it was very easy for me to share him with her - let her in and treat her as an insider. But this year I feel very possessive of him. I don't want to share him. I know that sounds silly because it would be amazing to know her and for him to know her, but I all of a sudden don't want to be to inviting. It makes no sense.

It really has been an amazing year. The boys have grown so much and become even closer as brothers. It's such an honor to be their mom and watch them grow. It's fun to imagine the men they are going to be.

The end of an era

2009-08-23T16:19:00.005-05:00

And I thought last year was bad.....

Tomorrow Ian will start 1st grade. I can't believe he's old enough to be a big kid, staying in school all day, hanging out on the playground, and eating hot lunch. I know people who have kids starting high school.....what the hell is that like? I don't even want to think about it. It's hard to imagine I will no longer be the one person who sees Ian for most of his day. Now his teacher will see him more than me - she will be his great influence..... :(

I will no longer have quiet afternoons, while Jesse is sleeping, listening to Ian play with his legos or reading books to him on the couch. We will no longer have those alone moments when I still look into his eyes and see my baby - and he sees me as the one to protect him. I knew the transition would hard on Jesse - he always wants to be by Ian's side. But I didn't realize how much this was going to effect me. Will parenting be as much fun? Am I going to lose my connection?

I can't believe how much I'm going to miss him. The house will seem so quiet with just me and Jesse. I hate losing control - not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen.

The thing is I know what's happening. My baby is growing into a boy who will one day turn into a man......

The favorite child

2009-08-16T19:48:00.003-05:00

I was sitting across from the lunch table looking at my two boys as they devoured their french fires and eyed the large playing apparatus next to them. And I just smiled. It's not that they were being quiet or that they were being good - it's not that we were enjoying a lunch out, just the 3 of us....it was that I figured out that favorite child thing.

It's not that I like one of my boys more than the other. It's not that I would rescue one over the other....it's that the core of my love from them is completely different therefore giving me completely different emotions when I look at each. So it's not that one is my favorite - but there is a definite difference in the way I feel about them - although both ending with extreme love and devotion.

I look at Ian and can't believe I did that. He's cute, friendly, smart, whiny, athletic, polite....a real human being. One that started out so small and he exists because of me. He's a pure mix of me and Sam....the wonderment of it all still amazes me (although how to create a baby is long behind me!). I understand the fundamentals of baby-making but to see it grow and thrive and continue....it's pure magic.

I look at Jesse and can't believe he gets to be mine. For forever, I get to claim this kid as my son - my family! He's funny, smart, cute, strong, and over all amazing. Somewhere in the world something brought us together - thousands of miles from start to finish and this little man was placed in MY arms! How does that happen?! It too is magic.

My heart was filled with love and pride as I sat and watched those mouths stuffed with french fries. These are my guys! It was a really good mom moment.

Broken record

2009-08-10T22:39:00.002-05:00

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but...once again I was reminded how lucky we are to have the Thai Red Cross as part of Jesse's adoption story. And how grateful we are to his birth mother for having a plan and being so caring and thoughtful.

The other day at the park I got into a conversation about how my friend thinks Ian looks like Sam. I don't see it a obviously as some genetic offspring that I know - sometimes the child looks like a photocopy of their parent. I've always thought Ian was a good mix and just looked like Ian. I noticed Jesse getting a little squirrelly when the conversation branched off to other friends of ours. I just looked at him and said "And who does Jesse look like?". There was a slight pause, since this hasn't come up in awhile, but after some guidance he said his birth mother's name. A little light went off in his head and all of sudden we was part of the conversation. So many adoptees don't have information much less pictures of their birth families. It's amazing to be able to include him and reassure him he didn't drop from the sky...he has a history and a lineage that is genetically related to him.

I saw a good movie over the weekend with some girlfriends....Julie&Julia. It's about a blogger who cooks her way through Julia Childs' cookbook. It also told the story of how Julia Child became the chef she was. It was a great story and very entertaining. I couldn't help but think about all those people who followed my blog and were out there in cyberspace who have now become my friends. I don't think anyone will be making a movie out of this old blog of mine, but I think I served a good purpose by telling my story and helping others navigate through theirs. My aunt thinks it would make a good book....we'll see :)

Hello my friend

2009-07-30T16:50:00.003-05:00

Hello my blog, my old buddy. I've been very neglectful. Mostly because I'm always so aware of what I write on here will be read by other people. When things get bad or something is going on inside my head, I think about writing it down....but then I get self conscious. A friend, I'll call her Swifty, has the most amazing blog. She pours out her feelings and her emotions for everyone to see. It's an honor to read it. So, why can't I do it?

I think it's because I'm afraid of a few things. Afraid of hurting someone's feelings...afraid of admitting I'm selfish and possible immature....afraid of being judged.

So while I grappled with the idea of getting more personal on this thing - I will fill everyone in on other stuff.

This Summer has been hard. I got very used to having some alone time during the week when the kids were in school and to have that taken away was an adjustment. I was hoping to pick up some hours at the Y doing office work, but that never happened - so cash flow has been a bit stressful since I have been unsuccessful in curbing some of my spending habits. I'm still thinking about venturing out in the real world and looking for work, but I enjoy the Y. I like the people and the benefits - I'm just trying to figure out where I may fit in now. So far there have been no plans made for Fall hours - so everything is up in the air still. The other problem with venturing out is child care. I don't think people are very open to hiring someone who is available from 9:30-noon on Tues and Thurs. :P

I had a very nice meeting with a wedding planner who seemed really excited about my personalized greeting cards. So far nothing. I know they are not the cup-of-tea for everyone but I think I could make some cute shower invites or save-the-date cards.....any one interested? I'll give you a good deal! So, do I try to market on my own and really start this thing? How do I get started? Would people be interested? I did order some business cards, design a logo, and set up a price list......it was a really fun week thinking that all this was about to take off. Feels kinda silly now.

Ian and I are butting heads. I want to teach him and guide him through life. He thinks he knows all there is to know. He's constantly talking back, not listening to instructions, and being plain snotty! I'm getting worn very thin which makes me crabby and snappy and we end up going in circles! It's no fun at all. He's growing up so fast and I know there will soon be a time he won't listen to me at ALL - I was just hoping it wouldn't be as early as 6 years old!

It hasn't been all bad. Ian joined the Y swim team and competed all summer. He's got a scrapbook full of ribbons already and really loves it. He's made friends (some good some bad) and is looking forward to swimming in the Fall/Winter/Spring season as well. It's a big commitment with practices but I think it's really good for him. He's so much more proud of himself now than he was during his soccer seasons. He can see the results and even if he doesn't win the race - he may still have beaten his old times which makes him happy.

Jesse is a character. He loves to listen to books and both boys completed the library's summer reading program. He found out today he gets to meet his favorite author, Todd Parr, at a mall in a few weeks. We love Todd books and he was beaming from ear to ear with the idea of getting his autograph.

I find myself getting lonely at night. I want to call up some friends and go to dinner or to the mall. But I feel I don't have anyone to call. I feel like I'm the only one who NEEDS to escape and all the other people in the world are holding on just fine. Sometimes I think I'm about to fall off!

After spilling my guts (or most of them) I feel I should give you something cute and fuzzy to hold onto....so here are my children :) with my niece and nephew during out visit in Ohio.

2 years!

2009-06-09T10:43:00.002-05:00

This is a special time of year for us. June 8th was Jesse's official Gotcha Day. We said good-bye to the Thai Red Cross and took him into our home forever. Yesterday marked the 2nd anniversary of this event! TWO YEARS!?!?!?!? In some ways it seems like it just happened and in other ways it seems like he's been with us from day 1.

I spent a lot of time just looking at him yesterday - remembering how small and scared he was then compared to how strong and outgoing he is now. How much he's grown - although remembering how we caught glimpses of his personality slowly but surely as he came out of his shell in our Bangkok hotel room. Again, I spent a lot of time thinking about all those who loved him and gave him great foundation to grow and be successful no matter where his home ended up being. I wonder if he remembers in his heart (or just thinks he does because of all the pictures he's seen).

It's hard to even explain how much my life has changed and how much happiness I've experienced over the past 2 years. Not only because of Jesse, but because of having my family complete and safe at home. I know people who are still struggling to build their families, still waiting in this process....and all I can say is hang in there! It's so worth it in the end and all the struggles seem like such a small part of the forever you will have with your child. Already 2 years with Jesse has brought me a million times more joy than than the deepest sorrow I felt while waiting for him and I have a lifetime to go! Hang in there - it'll happen for all of you!

Back to basics

2009-05-02T15:23:00.006-05:00

Well, many of you know I managed to escape for several days for some me time. I went away (yup, took a plane and everything) and didn't have to worry about pick-up times, snacks, bathroom breaks, shoes being on the right feet, or helping anyone but myself order food. It was wonderful. I never had anywhere special I had to be - I mostly tagged along with my host and spaced out. It's been a long time since I've lived stress free and I can't honestly say I was itching to come home. I know that must sound horrible, but really I didn't realize how much stress and tension I was dealing with everyday until it all just went away. But I also took the time to do a lot of soul searching and discovered a lot of things that need to change in my life.

I need to take time for me (not like alone time running to the grocery store) but not feeling guilty time. Like checking Jesse into the nursery so I can work out (I know he doesn't really like it there and that means a morning away from Bubbie). I miss feeling strong - feeling like I accomplished something. I hate the before/after of working out - getting into workout clothes and then having to make time to shower and change later......which is why it's so very easy to convince me not to do it. But I need to work it back into my schedule.

I also realized that parenting has built up a lot more stress in my than I realized. Not like everyday things - stressed about being on time, snacks, clothes.....but just over the course of 6 years....the stress of making sure these little boys will turn into proper men. Teaching them to behave, follow the rules, look both ways, not be bullies but be nice to people, try new foods, please/thank yous, love each other and others, don't eat cookies for breakfast....the list goes on. In the course of those 6 years, I know my responsibilities of being a parents but somewhere I lost the idea that this was also suppose to be fun. It's okay to be a little loud, it's okay to eat a cookie before lunch, it's okay to sit back and relax and breath a bit. So I'm going to work on bringing the fun back.

I'm also still trying to purge my physical space. The house is still a mess - which after returning home I discovered puts me in an instant foul mood. I'm working on changing my own habits, so I can help my boys (all of them) change theirs. But I can't get mad at them for something I struggle with as well. I know once my environment makes me feel more peaceful, other things will fall into place - or at least my head will be more clear to figure it all out.

And now...as the proud parent I present a video of Ian reading!?!?!?!?!? He's teacher assured us last Fall this would happen - I just didn't believe her. But sure enough, Ian is a reader - and personally I think he's pretty good :)

So much support

2009-04-22T09:56:00.003-05:00

Thanks everyone for the super kind emails and messages about my soul searching. I'm currently sitting at a Panera with my cute little computer getting ready to hunker down. I've decided I need to try and write something everyday to help build myself back up. And I'm going to continue reading nearly every night.

I went to Borders on Monday and wrote a page. It took me 45 minutes and I don't know if it's any good, if it can develop into anything or if it's just going to be an exercise type page. But I wrote.

I haven't decided what kind of writing I'm going to focus on. I was never going to be a novelist - I was always a short story writer. I've been thinking about writing children's stories (like suggested by a dear friend), or even a song. I don't want to assume I'm so all-knowing enough to write non-fiction....but even just for my own I might try that.

I came to the realization the other day that I have healed somewhat from my infertility battle. I found out a few of my friends (not close) are pregnant or had had a baby and I was truly happy for them. There was no fake front or anything I needed to pretend about - it didn't make my heartache in anyway. I was truly happy for them. It felt great! I hope all my friends get to this point in their lives. Especially those who have endured such a long wait to build their families.

Again thanks for the support - and my goal to write means you will probably be hearing from me more often. Maybe if I write something I feel is worthy, I'll post it for all my supporters to see :)

Still pondering

2009-04-16T17:05:00.002-05:00

I know I've made a few posts regarding my own personal development and I'm sure you are sick of reading about it...but I have some bad news...I think I'm going to start using this blog to help me sort through what's in my head. I'm also going to start a written journal again (because I even I know not everything needs to end up in the blogesphere). So, some future entries won't have much to do with the kids. (But just so you know, they are both doing great and really excited warm weather has finally arrived).

I few things going through my head. I'm having issues figuring out where I fit in. For the majority of my life I've belonged to a club/organization. I've had meetings, events, and things in my life that meant a lot to me. Everything from newspaper staff in high school, choir in college, onto RESOLVE and the pre-adoption support group. Recently I've felt like I don't really belong to anything. I've attended ever PTC (parent-teacher council) meeting for this school year and still don't have a committee or event I belong to. There just doesn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I used to think I belonged at work. I was a part of the process and the community....but I would say that is no longer true. It's become very clear lately that I'm just to come in and do my job and leave. No extra help, or opinions needed and no insider information will be shared. Half the time I don't even know what's going on.

So this leads me to....where do I go from here? To they have support groups for people who have lost their purposes? I bought a new netbook because I thought it would help me start writing again. Remembering that writing was a big part of who I used to be when I felt like I belonged. But the more I start thinking about starting to write....the more I think I don't have any stories left in me. What if I can't do it anymore? Especially since I'm reading this great book and every time I finish a section I feel less competent than I did before I started.

Now on the work level....I've been thinking about applying for a job in retail. In more recent years I have gotten very into fashion, jewelry, and such. Not like knowing designers and following this seasons collections...but enjoying putting outfits together...and I do have a sickness when it comes to purses and jewelry. But with the kids it's hard to imagine me fitting into a managers schedule. Especially if my primary baby-sitter takes off for a month over the summer.

I have hobbies...I miss singing in a choir (but don't want to join a church group and I'm not sure I'm good enough to audition for anything), I enjoy making jewelry - but that is usually done alone in my living room. I'm still designing photo greetings, but it's not a business or anything.

I'm taking some personal time at the end of this month. I don't know what I'm going to accomplish during it, except I will have no one to take care of during my time away. It has recently occurred to me that I'm far more selfish than I ever thought I was......does that make me a bad mother? human being? Maybe what I thought I was cut out for has been wrong all along.

So here I am, kinda lost. But I don't know how to start being found.

Just a few pics

2009-03-10T23:41:00.003-05:00

It's late and I've already put this off - so I'll post a few pictures and write something later (when I can be more witty and alert) :)

Ian at Jesse's birthday party.

Jesse the morning of his birthday.

A special woman

2009-02-23T22:21:00.000-06:00

Half way around the world there is a woman I have very little in common with. She's over 10 years younger than me, grew up in a small village, and doesn't know all my comforts of living. But tomorrow, February 24, we will spend the day thinking about the same exact thing...our son.

3 years ago, she was in a hospital in Bangkok, most likely alone, awaiting the surgery that would bring this child into the world. A child she cared for and loved while he developed, only to know her motherly duties would end there. Does she know that makes her the best kind of mother? The one who nurtures and loves and expects nothing in return - she did everything just because she loved that child.

Her blind faith and trust that he would find his home has allowed me to experience loving such a precious little boy. I'm wondering, along with her smile, did he get her sense of humor? His small bones and his big personality? She shines through his eyes and I revel in her strength every day.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate our son - make sure he knows how much he is loved here and far away.....

Tomorrow I will hope she knows he's safe, happy, healthy, and thinking of her as she's thinking of him.

Thanks everyone

2009-01-05T13:19:00.002-06:00

I'd like to say thank you for everyone who left me such great advice. I'm happy to know there are people still out there to connect with when I need help with things :) Thanks for your continued support/reading of this blog.

I did end up talking with Jesse and Ian about how there is another little boy out there in Thailand who is Jesse's brother. I showed him the pictures of of when he was in Thailand and the ones of his birthmother (which he's seen many times before). Then I showed him the picture of his brother and explained how his birthmother had also had another baby grow inside her. And I went on to explain how there are many different ways to be siblings - the most basic was sharing a parent. He and Ian have the same parents raising them, and they are brothers....his birthmother gave birth to him and this little boy - therefore making them brothers as well. It was a short conversation but I think he understood, as much as he could anyway. At least it's out there now and we can talk about it from now on - he won't be surprised at any point.

I'm excited about the new adoptions moving forward with the Hague Convension - not that I fully understand everything - but I do know it should cut down on the issues people are having with USCIS (US Immegration). Some blogger buddies have been in Thailand for over a month now because USCIS keeps asking for more and more stuff - it's horrible! We've jumped through so many hoops and Thailand has taken such good care of these kids waiting for people to come bring them home - only for our own government to cause such heartache and trouble. I hope my friends make their way home soon and I hope no one else I know will have to go through such troubles. Traveling to Thailand should be a great experience - to meet our children, take in the culture, and become families. Instead it's fulled with heartache and pain for so many families who have traveled recently. Anyway - that's my two cents :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Advice needed

2008-12-22T10:53:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and decided I need some input. I don't know if there are still many people reading this - but if you're out there and have some ideas to help, I would love some advice.

We are very lucky to have a lot of information on Jesse's birth family. We have pictures of his birthmother and regularly have conversations about her. That seems to be the easy part. For now, in his 2 year old understanding he's got the information down....and as he gets older we'll add more and more information. However, Jesse also has a birth brother that I have not mentioned to him yet. It seems more of a slippery slope to go down especially since he already understand the concept of brother (having Ian). How do I explain that he has a birth brother in Thailand that lives with his birth mother....without him getting overly confused or sad. We have a picture of his b.brother but soon Jesse will be older than his brother is in the picture. So I haven't shown that to him yet either.

I don't want to wait too long because I don't want it to be a surprise one day - like a brother drops from the sky that he's never heard of before. Any advice on how to start this conversation and introduce this information into Jesse (and Ian's) life? thanks.

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-19T09:28:00.001-06:00

I hope everyone out there has a great holiday season and the new year brings you great happiness!

Can it be for real?

2008-12-14T14:38:00.002-06:00

I can't believe I'm actually going to type this....but Jesse is potty trained. He's been going good for a while but it just seems so fast - I wasn't sure it was really happening. The whole nine yards - done! He's been wearing underwear (the cutest little underwear to fit his little 23lb body) and although we are keeping him in pull-ups at night, stays dry. I'm such a proud mom!

Both the boys are doing great. Ian had his first holiday concert at school and it was so cute. I have some video when Sam downloads it (and my computer is fixed). I'm on Sam's computer now because he's trying to update mine and make it faster but he bought a broken part. That means at the moment I can't get to my pictures. But soon, I'll post our holiday card (which will go out in the mail on Monday), and some videos - hopefully of Ian's concert and of him playing the guitar over Thanksgiving.

We are in full winter swing here - although not as bad as the ice storms in the New England area. However, a friend of mine did slip on the ice and she had to have surgery - she broke her leg in 3 places!!!!!! Winter is not my friend, but at least I'm lucky enough to have not had any serious injuries associated with it! (knock on wood)

We're looking forward to the holidays. Hanukkah starts next Sunday night and the boys are done with school this week. We don't really have much planned for over the break (anyone up for a playdate?).

Things are good here and I hope you all are having a good holiday season - we wish you all health and happiness in the new year!

Blog neglect

2008-10-26T19:11:00.003-05:00

I've discovered a new way of communicating with some friends, which unfortunately has caused some blogging neglect. The evil culprit is FaceBook - it's a fabulous way to connect with a bunch of people at one but it's also a huge time-sucking machine. So for you who check the blog, I'm sorry and I shall update you all now.

The Fall is definitely here in Chicago. It's COLD! But we've been enjoying all the typical activities: the pumpkin patch, Halloween activities (to get the most of the costumes we try to attend several events each year), and this year we carved pumpkins (pictures will be posted soon). This week will include class parties at the YMCA and finally Trick-or-treating with friends. Then we can start preparing for Thanksgiving and the holiday season. I'm sure it'll go by fast but at least it's fun stuff.

This year the boys decided to dress as Super Heroes. My wonderful sister sewed their capes and belts and turned them into Super Ian and Super Jesse. Because Jesse wants to be everything Ian is....we've started calling him echo.

We were able to head to Chicago at the beginning of October to register Jesse adoption at the Thai Consulate. This was the last piece of adoption business we had to attend to. It didn't really mean anything legally to us, or his status in the US, but it's required by Thailand. This way the Thai government has his new legal name and removes him from being listed as a Thai citizen. It was a quick and painless procedure. If anyone has to travel a long distance for this step in their process, I highly recommend planning a mini vacation around the event.

Ian has completed his first session in park district soccer. He improved greatly over the last several weeks and I'm a little sad to see it end. The last 3 games he scored at least 1 goal and this past weekend in his final game, he scored 3 goal and had 1 assist! His confidence has really grown and it was amazing to watch him bloom like that. I'm going to look into some indoor soccer possibilities until Spring.

Our most recent develop has taken place this past weekend. Jesse has started going pee on the potty! He has only actually requested to go 1 or 2 times, but has actually gone 4 times in total (sometimes we ask him and he tries with success). He's not completely anti-diaper, so we are goingto see if we can find Pull-ups that will fit him. Then we can at least switch off while he's still in the early stages. It's very exciting :) Especially for me, because then I won't have to carry around diapers and wipes all the time.

So that pretty much catches everyone up. I will try not to be so neglectful - since at least in the blogger world I get to write and tell stories. Not so much on Facebook. :)

Just putting it out there

2008-10-10T13:04:00.002-05:00

Now that Ian is part of a real school system we are dealing with fundraisers. So, I'm offering it up. There are currently two fundraisers going on

1) Affy Tapples. More of something local - or if I'll be seeing you soon. Ranging in price from $1.25-$2.00 each. Variety of flavors to choose from (let me know if you're interested).

2) Silver Bells Holiday Collection from Market Day. It's a catalog of decorations, candy, wrapping paper, mixes, and other little things here and there. A lot of affordable and cute stuff. If you're interested in looking around you can go to www.marketdayfundraising.com - Sale ID: 204860 and if you find something you like email me and I'll send you Ian's information so he can get credit for the sale.

thanks :)

What an incredible weekend

2008-09-29T22:02:00.002-05:00

There are few people on this planet that understand Beloit. Beloit as a place, as an adjective, and as an emotion. Beloit is magic. It's been 10 years since I went to school there, was part of the culture, and the pulse of campus.....and I've been back many times to walk around - hang out - simply be there. No matter how many changes they make to campus, how many professors come and go, Beloit will always feel like home. I made a very honest realization this weekend - no matter how different of a person I am, no matter how happy or sad, I never feel more like myself than when I'm on that campus. No matter who that self is - there is a certain peace that comes over me there.

Needless to say, my reunion was great. It was a mix of seeing people I always see and seeing people I haven't seen in 10 years. People I was close to and people I barely knew. We partied like it was 1998 and had a great time. I felt bad for dragging Sam and the boys (I was selfish and wanted to show them off) - they were bored and although very well behaved there just wasn't a lot for them to do. A soccer ball and a few Hot Wheels can only last so long. But they were all troopers and didn't complain one bit.

I laughed more than I can remember laughing in a long time. I forgot what it was like to hang out with a group of friends. Not like when I go to dinner with friends or to the mall - but really hang out with people who know you - who lived with you - and essentially grew up a little with you. I miss that community feeling - it was nice to feel it again.

Leaving made me feel a little sad. Not because coming back to my "real" life is horrible - I'm enjoying my life now, but leaving the feeling of being around people who understand you and are for you - and leaving a place that makes you feel like no other place on earth. It's hard to explain - it's just Beloit.

Thai Fest and other stuff

2008-09-21T17:11:00.005-05:00

I've been so bad about blogging, and I have no excuses except for laziness. The weeks seem to be getting longer and by the time Friday rolls around all I want to do is curl up in bed and ignore the world. Ian has picked up some not-so-fun habits at Kindergarten (like sticking out his tongue in response to something he doesn't like) and Jesse seems to think that 2.5 years old is the perfect time to get sassy and bossy. I found out my boss at the Y is leaving (it's a happy thing for her) and that makes me very sad. She's fun, a great friend, and all the kids really like her - it makes me nervous for our programming and I will miss her a lot on a personal level. This coming weekend is my 10 year college reunion (I went to a small liberal arts school, so imagine something close to a high school reunion for those who went to big universities) and I'm a little anxious about the weight I didn't lose and the craziness that can be my children.....but enough of that pity party :)

Last weekend, we escaped the great flood of the Chicagoland area and headed up to Madison. It turns out that UW-Madison has the largest Thai Alumni Association in the country and as a gift to the city, this group arranged for a Thai structure to be built in the free Botanical Gardens of Madison. It is the only structure of it's kind outside of Thailand (or at least in the United States).

It was a dreary day - so without the sun you can't full appreciate the beauty in this picture (the building - not us) :) It's gold and sparkly and beautiful. For those of you who have been to Thailand, you know what I mean. My friend Jenny said they usually don't let people near it because it's so fragile and would need constant supervision. But because this was a special Thai Festival there were lots of great things planned. We saw wonderful dancers, heard musicians, ate great food, and enjoyed an afternoon of meeting up with our Thai adoption friends. It's so funny because we tell Jesse - "Oh, see this, it's from Thailand" and he would look at us and say "From my Thailand?" or "That my Thailand".

Jenny's husband Mike took these great pictures for us:

Here are Ian and Jesse with the building behind them.

This one is so cute. It should be captioned "ho-hum" -
look closely to the expression on Jesse's face.

First day of school

2008-09-05T11:08:00.003-05:00

This is what Ian looked like the day he started kindergarten :) I'm such a proud Mommy!

Here are some pictures from the first day of school. Ian was great. He marched right in and never looked back - I only teared up for a moment. Jesse needs to get back into the groove of things, he cried when I dropped him off, but I think by next week he'll be great again. He only cries for a little bit when I leave and then he's fine.

So we've survived the first week of school and I think we're getting into a pretty good groove! It should only get better from here.

Me and my boys on their first day.

This is Jesse with his backpack.

Here's Ian with his backpack and in his supper cool first day of school outfit.

What a great weekend

2008-08-18T07:49:00.005-05:00

Well, as the Summer heat seems to be breaking - we had a gorgeous weekend here. I'm not a huge fan of hanging out outside - but this weather was just the right combination of cool breeze and few bugs to make it okay for me :). The big exciting news is that Ian learned how to ride a two wheeler!!!!! We had a play date on Friday and his friend had been riding all summer without training wheels - that prompted a "I must learn" attitude and by mid morning on Saturday he was already making it across out front lawn....by Sunday afternoon we was able to start, stop, and steer himself around path at the park (see video). It's amazing how quickly he's picked it up, and he's loving it. I wish we lived on a street where he can go riding a bit, but for now when we're home he's confined to the driveway (which isn't bad, it's larger than average).

Jesse has loved watching him and now wants to learn, but I think we'll hold off on that for awhile. Maybe next summer - he does seem to be gifted in the tumbling, balancing, climbing arena but still it's a little early for a two-wheeler for him!

School will be starting right after Labor Day. Both boys are excited - I'm a little nervous about kindergarten. I feel like I'm losing a bunch of control because there is so little contact with the teacher, classroom, and other parents. I still can't believe Ian's starting real school!

Here's Jesse on his little bike. (Notice the shirt Aunt Sheilah and Aunt Frona?!?!?)
Here's the video of Ian riding around at the park! He's so good, right?! :)

August...really?

2008-08-04T17:12:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it's August already! We've been having so many summer adventures I haven't had time to write very much. I will say, Jesse is a great student now and looks forward to school. Last Friday he had two subs and still didn't fuss about going to class - I even said good-bye :) He's even okay going into the YMCA nursery alone. We've made some real progress!

The registration process for the Fall is about to begin. I'm making Ian choose one extra thing to join because I refuse to run him around to a million places all week. He's decided to try soccer, on a real team. Through the park district he'll practice twice a week and play a game on Saturday. I think he'll love it. I'm going to sign Jesse up for Itty Bitty Sports at the Y - it's an intro to sports for 2-3 year olds. Again, I think he'll really like it. Plus there will be swim lessons for Ian and preschool for Jesse. We'll certainly be busy but not at much as if I let Ian take Karate and soccer and swimming and dance. I know he'd love it all but I just can't do it. I don't know how other moms do.

I've been trying to work out more, hoping to look a little better for my 10 year college reunion at the end of September. It doesn't seem to be working....once school starts it'll be easier to be consistent. At least that will give me a good solid three weeks before heading back to Beloit. At least I have better fashion sense now, so I know I'll look better (who ever thought flannel and overalls were in-style should be severely punished). It's a strange thing - my reunion. I recently found out two of my friends from college have passed away. One was a year older, I don't remember how I knew her but I did - I read that she fought breast cancer for 5.5 years (she was only 33 when she passed away). My other friend I met right away. She lived upstairs and was part of my "first friends" in the dorm. By graduation we weren't very close, but she's someone I thought of often when remembering college. She fought cancer for over 2 years and recently passed away in July. It just makes you stop and think. Y'know?

I'm excited about getting away for a weekend. I'm heading to Pittsburgh to visit a friend - just me. She recently had twins (in addition to her 2 year old), so I"m going to go hold some babies for a few days. Although I'll still be surrounded by kids, it'll be a nice break from my every day. I love my boys - but to confess I've been getting easily overwhelmed lately. It's not fair to them - so I'm going to take a breather. Does that make me a bad mom? Never mind, don't answer that.

Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon - the one downfall of not knowing how to download, I have to wait for Sam.

Jesse update

2008-07-22T23:06:00.003-05:00

I should have posted this over the weekend but time slipped away. Jesse had school again on Friday. He was very upset about going earlier in the morning and even shed some tears in our living room. But....we packed his snack bag - which got him a little excited - then he carried it to the car, which apparently is great fun. I was nervous because of the earlier episode.....but.....Jesse didn't cry!!!!!!! We arrived at his classroom and he hung up his bag...walked into the classroom....saw a giant tunnel....crawled through.....went straight over the media table.....and that was that.

I quickly (and quietly) signed him in and exited the room. I felt a little bad about not saying good-bye but the trade off was not having to have him ripped from my arms. Turns out, even after class started and he realized I wasn't there.....he still didn't cry!!!!!!! We'll see how it goes this week.

Cute story about my super cute and totally 2-year old.
Scene: Jesse working on a puzzle.
Jesse "I need help"
Ms. Claudia "Okay - can you say please?"
Jesse "yes."
The end :)

Pictures

2008-07-07T11:06:00.004-05:00

Here we are canoeing.
It was a lot of fun and we had a perfect day!

Here are all the kids enjoying an mini pool in the backyard.
(You can kind of see Ian's bumped up lip if you look close)
(L to R) Mikaela, Faren, Jesse, Nathaniel, and Ian.

This is us standing in front of the giant bat
at the Louisville Slugger Museum!
(Check out the website for a picture of the entire thing, it's really cool.)

These are pictures from my sister's camera - I'll add more when our pictures get downloaded off our camera. :)

I forgot to mention in the last post, that we all went to the movies one afternoon as well. It was Faren and Jesse's first movie. Jesse slept through most of it (but he was quiet during the time he was awake) :) We saw the new Pixar movie, Wall-E.

Chipped teeth and a family photo

2008-07-06T18:26:00.002-05:00

Okay - so it was only one chipped TOOTH, but still :)

We just returned from a week of vacationing. For the first time in over 3 years my entire immediate family was in one place - my oldest sister's house. This meant, me (plus my 3), my middle sister (plus her 2), my oldest sister (plus her 3), and my mom & dad! Let me tell you....it was actually fun 85% of the time (the other 15% was normal family drama) which I think it not bad for 13 people in one house for 7 days!

I have a ton of pictures to sort through and share but basically we had a few "field trips" and hung out. One of our main goals was to take a family picture. The last one was when Ian was three months old - so we were currently missing Jesse and my niece, Faren. We had an appointment for that on Tuesday. So, of course we went canoeing Sunday morning :) and hoped for no injuries and no weird sunburns (and yes, I went canoeing as well and had a great time). We survived that only to have Ian fall into a brick wall later that day - yup, hence the chipped tooth. He had a fat lip, scraped gums, chipped a tooth, and scraped his nose! We will forever remember it, since you can still see the end result in the large picture. But my mom wasn't mad - so it was okay. After all he is a 5 year old boy! By today, you can hardly tell there was much damage at all. (and yes, we did get a good picture with all 13 of us in it) :)

During the picture, I had a funny "oops" moment of my own. I had spent a lot of time color coordinating out shirts and making sure things would look good. A few people in each color type thing. My nephew, Nathaniel (who's 11), and Ian were both wearing brown and Jesse had on white (he was the only kid in white). The photographer from arranging us and asked who belonged with me. He pulled Sam over and arranged him...then asked about the kids. Without even thinking I said "The little brown one and the white one." I immediately saw a few of my family members look at me with shock and surprise......"I meant their shirts" I cried!!!!! My face was bright red and everyone was laughing.

We had a fun field trip day to the Louisville Slugger Museum and an old candy shop near by. If you are a baseball fan, I highly recommend the slugger museum! Besides the canoeing and some swimming at the YMCA, a few people saw a Reds v. Nathionals baseball game, and we could see a ton of fireworks from my sister's house. And if you ever need kid friendly activities in the Cincinnati area - just let me know :)

It's good to be home though! I'll load some pictures soon.

Update

2008-06-26T21:24:00.002-05:00

I thought I should leave an update about Jesse and school. Last week was better - he only cried for about 5 minutes. I'll see how tomorrow goes - he keeps telling me he won't cry, but he said that last week as well.

There are a few things that I think are aiding in the process. 1)Jesse is cute (if I do say so myself) and snuggly, therefore making him more apt to be tolerated by the teachers. As a preschool teacher, it's harder to comfort kids that push away from you, making them not very endearing. Jesse will not turn away a snuggle. 2)I'm an active parent, I want to know how class went, what they did, how he did. A lot of parents just drop off and pick up, making it hard for teachers to connect. Therefore, I think he's getting some extra attention from the teachers - making his transitions a little smoother. Trust me, I'm not complaining. :)

Otherwise, we've had play dates and lots of time with friends. I can't believe it's nearly July and then it's just a few more months until Ian starts kindergarten!!!!! Incredible.

What was I thinking?!?!?!?

2008-06-13T17:15:00.002-05:00

Today I feel like a big old jackass! Like I committed a crime against my child by opening by stupid mouth and .......allow me to explain (if I can).

This morning was Jesse's first day of "school". He's signed up for a 2-3 year old class (without parent) at the Y. He's been so excited about school and he loved going into the classroom when we dropped Ian off during the year, so I didn't think we'd have a huge issue. He also knows a few of the other kids enrolled in the class. So, he packs up his snack bag and proudly carries around the house, into the car, and into the Y. So far so good....then we get down to his classroom and we all pile in. I notice he's clinging to Ian and then.....the fingers go in his mouth, and I knew we were in trouble. I coaxed him into the classroom and pulled Ian away - there goes Jesse's bottom lip. I give him a kiss - there goes the crocodile tears. I tell him to have a good class - there goes the cries for mommy. Now being a pre-school teacher at the Y, I know what works best - the parents just need to leave. I felt horrible and kept thinking during the whole 1.75 hours why his he acting this way. He's always fine when we drop Ian off or if he gets dropped off with Ian - it's only when he's left alone altogether that he has issues. But so do a lot of other 2 year olds......so why did I even mention adoption?!?!?!?

I'm so angry at myself - I've been reading a lot of blogs lately of my friends who have been going through some adjustment/attachment/grieving issues. I guess it was fresh on my mind that Jesse has never had an "adoption issues" that have really manifested in any significant ways. He was quick to bond, and adjust, he had a very short grieving period but it never effected his daily activities - just in the quiet moments of the day. So again, why would I think this was related....

When I went to pick Jesse up from class, I mentioned to the teacher (a younger girl not used to working with 2 year olds) that I wasn't sure if his separation issues were due to age or adoption. She was baffled and looked at him like he was from another planet. I immediately regretted by decision to bring it up. For some reason, there is never any assumption that Jesse is not biologically mine. It surprises me every time someone else is surprised, but it happens more often than not. So, why now should I point out something that makes him different, it's not like this recent college grad teacher knows how to handle adoption issues as opposed to regular issues. I've never defined Jesse by his adoption status - I never plan to......so why did I today? the way she looked at him, like being adopted was a contagious disease....I wanted to sweep him up in my arms and run away.

I know she's young, I know she's probably never been exposed to adoption before - I don't blame her....but what was I thinking?!?!?!?

Fun photos and other stuff

2008-06-08T19:07:00.005-05:00

It's been a fantastic week. Now that Summer has arrived we have a very loose schedule for awhile and have been enjoying having Bubbie off work and not having time restraints. We've also been doing a lot of reminiscing about this time last year - it's not hard for a few reasons. 1)Just looking at Jesse reminds of us our wonderful journey to bring him home and 2)there are two couple we know through bloggerland currently living their dream in Thailand. Robin and Kyle are currently there and have met their precious son - I've been glued to their blog for updates....kinda stalker-ish, but I can't stand the thought of missing a moment. Courtney and Jim are in transit and will be there soon - another blog to read daily :)

These whole two weeks will be filled with wonderful anniversaries - today is the day we took custody of Jesse, and we've never looked back :) I'm so happy for my friends who will now experience this joy.

So I'm going to post pictures to update on some of the fun we've been having recently. Some are older than others - but still cute :)

It's my pleasure to introduce the future of Chicago Baseball.
The fabulous Listopad brothers!
(Ian playing catcher and Jesse at shortstop)

Here they are strolling across campus with their backpacks.
Packed full of the essentials (stuffed animals and Hot Wheels cars).

Here's Ian - the cutest grad in the preschool class of 2008!
They put on a "play" and Ian was the Dragon Slayer (his own choice).

Some recent brotherly love being displayed!
Gotta love this :)

The last of the "last year"s

2008-05-30T22:26:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I can't help but look back on my life in yearly increments. During my freshman year in college, I spent a lot of timing thinking back to my final year in high school - what I was doing and with whom, as I watched my world change around me. The year after Sam came home from New Zealand, I just remembered all the times I was apart from him and how great it was to have him in the here and now. The year we were married, the times I was trying to get pregnant....when I was pregnant, the first year Ian was around. Thinking back to what I had been like that previous year.

Now we are approaching the days when I will no longer look back to last year and not have Jesse in my life. This past Thanksgiving, I remember to the previous year - seeing his picture for the first time. At his birthday party, I remembered our small little dinner for 3 and how I bought a cake at the grocery store. This past Mother's Day, it was hard not to remember how last year we had just gotten our travel call - making the whole day that much brighter. Now I will never be able to look back to the previous year and not have Jesse in my world. We left for Bangkok on June 4, 2007 and met him on June 6, 2007. He came home with us on the 8th and forever more has been mine.

I know it's a weird little mind game, but I've always done it. But it allows me to reflect on how far I've come. I look into his precious little face and feel like he's been mine forever - but at the same time I can't believe it's been a year already (I remember the trip so vividly, like it was yesterday). Some blogger buddies of ours are actually in flight to Thailand now - it's been making me think a lot about my journey and all the babies who have come home since Jesse. I don't know where I"m going with this....so I'll just post acute picture from Mother's Day.

Phase One - Confessions from a clutter-bug

2008-05-27T18:24:00.002-05:00

Well, to those who have met me, lived with me, traveled with me, or spent any time around me - it's no secret I like stuff. I collect a billion things (which actually makes me the easiest person in the world to shop for) including pens, books, writing tablets, and trinkets - to name a few. I like souvenirs, magazines, catalogs, boxes, and a number of other material goods. Problem is - I don't have a large house and I don't have a lot of storage options. Therefore, my house always looks like a mess and cluttered. Every so many months I get frustrated, throw a hissy fit (yes, like a 2 year old) and vow to change my life......but then I pick up another pen, buy another stuffed animal, or another pair of shoes.

My New Year's resolution was to get organized, get clean, and purge unnecessary clutter from my life - imaging how much happier I would be, how much bigger my house will appear, and the total harmony the four of us would live in.......and I did mean it....but.....I didn't get very far. I promised myself to donate every time someone called for a pick-up, which we have done about 70% of the time. And I did do the research on storage units, layout options, and all things IKEA. (Which was really fun).....but.....I didn't get very far. Then in April we spent several days at my friend's house in Pittsburgh. She's my clutter-free hero! I left feeling jealous and full of anxiety about returning home.

Since April, we have been on a here-and-there cleaning spree. When we found the time we cleaned out the cupboards, donated unused toys, and old clothing. But it was slow going - until this past weekend!!!!!!! We have completed Phase One of our new lifestyle! Okay - this post will probably get long.... so I'm warning you, but I'll try to be concise.

First - the living room is now toy free. The back room (which used to be a spare room) is now the playroom. Here are the basics: Sam got rid of his old dresser and moved the 2 from the back room into our room. We got rid of the crib and moved the spare bed into the boys' room for Jesse's big boy bed! YES - JESSE'S IN A BIG BOY BED NOW!!!!!!! Then we moved all the toys from the living room into the back room. Now there are still random things hanging out here and there - and we might have to have a Phase One.Five this week, but mostly our huge first undertaking is done! I'm feeling very proud.

Ian is having his preschool graduation this Saturday and we are having a little lunch party here to celebrate - so more cleaning will done by this weekend. It's always good to have a deadline. And along with this physical change, I'm also undertaking some mental changes as well. I'm trying to control my need for stuff. I've decided that if we have too many toys then most people have too many toys and from now on I'm going to purchase fun gift cards for presents (like for ice cream, bowling, McDonald's, etc) and I'm hoping to pass the message along by Christmas/Hanukkah, so we will not be receiving "stuff" for the holidays. I've also decided that in order for the boys to have new toys - they will have to trade in their old ones. That way that things won't get out of control again.

I know most of you reading this (if you've made it this far) don't really care but I think I felt the need to write it down - a way to insure that I continue to follow-through with my plans and don't bail when things get hard. Thanks for "listening" :)

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T18:59:00.003-05:00

I'm not a huge fan of mother's day. It's not a fun holiday is you don't physically have a child in your life - and I don't believe in celebrating people just one day a year. I do however, possibly contradicting myself, believe that the first mother's day with your child is very special and should be celebrated. This was the first mother's day I held Jesse in my arms, received morning kisses, and showed him off to the world as mine. All in all it was a calm but nice day. I really do feel like my family is complete.

Today, Jesse and I also spent some time talking about his birth mother. I celebrate her every time I look at him, but felt the need to vocalize it with him today. We looked at her picture, talked about how he grew in her tummy, and what a wonderful person she is. I hope, if they celebrate Mother's Day in Thailand that she had a wonderful day with her son (and had happy thoughts of the son we share). Here is a picture of Jesse kissing his birth mother's picture.

I would like to wish every woman out there who loves a child a Happy Mother's Day. There are so many ways to mother, be it parenting, expecting, waiting, co-parenting, wanting, or simply loving children in your life and helping them grow. I hope next Mother's Day is the one when you can celebrate having your child in your arms, if that's what your heart is aching for.

Jesse's a-okay

2008-05-06T18:17:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been over a week since Jesse's surgery. He's bounced back incredibly well and I think seems to be healing nicely. Yesterday he negotiated with Sam about the antibiotic ointment (boo-boo cream) we're supposed to put on with each diaper change. He's been pretty bad about his diaper changes even though his personality is back to normal. Yesterday, Sam went to change him and Jesse said "No boo-boo cream, Daddy. Ittle boy part good. No boo-boo cream" It was like, okay I'll let you change my diaper but no more of that cream - I don't need it! :) Needless to say, we still need to use it. But he keeps letting us know he's feeling better and he's good now. I hope this entire experience will start to fade from his memory. We only have one follow-up appointment at the end of this month and after that...hopefully there will be no more matters to take care of in that region.

"I hungry Mommy"

2008-04-28T17:02:00.003-05:00

So, I know it's been awhile - I can't believe how fast this month is going by. Can it really be the end of April already? It's hard to tell considering it's currently 35degrees outside :P

Well, here's a short update of our family goings-on....Ian had his birthday party at the end of March at the Lego Store. He had a blast and so did all his friends. We said good-bye to one of his friends from the YMCA, who moved to Japan. The boy's mother is in the Air Force and had been away in Korea for over a year. We became friends with him, his father, and his brother since Ian was in classes with him. It was sad to see them go but we had a great couple of weeks getting to know the mom before they all took off for a new adventure. We've also been spending a lot more time at the Y after classes and having a lot of lunch play dates and such. It's nice to have made friends with so many of the moms (and a few dads), which allows the kids to play more and become better friends as well.

Mid-April we headed to Pittsburgh for a long weekend. Sam went to college there and I worked there for a year, so we visited old friends and hung out at a Carnival on his college campus. It was a really nice visit (we of course ate A LOT of yummy food). My friend, that we stayed with, is pregnant with twins - she was so super about letting us crash, as always! We are lucky to have go many great people all around us. Here's a picture that was taken by Sam's college roommate - this was taken after a long day at the zoo and a tummy full of pizza.

After that, Sam was away in California for a week. It's the longest I've ever had the boys alone and I think I fared pretty well. :) I was nervous and by Friday it was time for Daddy to return, but we kept busy and had a good week.

Today starts another few weeks of transition. Jesse had his circumcision surgery today. It was so hard to follow all those pre-surgery rules, especially when he wakes up saying "I hungry, Mommy". It broke my heart. Luckily, because no one was eating around the hospital, he didn't seem to remember he hadn't eaten in over 12 hours. It was a long day but he is doing great. I have no idea how things will go over the next few days (and I'm not really looking forward to it), but we have medicine and instructions....so we should get through it. The good part is that he won't remember any of this in a few months - the bad part is I will :( I hate seeing him in pain and unhappy. Ian is trying really hard to make him feel better but is having a hard time understand the magnitude of the whole situation - it's really sweet to watch though!

So that's what I've been up to for the last few weeks :) I've also been anxiously following a few blogs. One blogger buddy from New Zealand is finishing up their trip to Thailand to pick up their son, and another couple we know from Wisconsin is getting ready to travel at the beginning of June! So many Thailand babies coming home - it's really exciting.

5 years ago today - Ian

2008-03-21T23:22:00.005-05:00

It's hard to believe my baby turned 5 today! Where has the time gone and how did he get so big? 5 years ago today changed my life forever as I entered into being a mother. Ian was born at 6:18am weighing 5lbs 6oz. This morning at 6:18am he weighed in around 50lbs :) Although I spent most of his first day here heavily drugged and sleeping - I do distinctly remember the moment he was born and the first time I heard him cry. I remember holding him in my arms and thinking "how is this tiny thing going to grow into a real person?" Well, 5 years later it's hard to imagine he was actually that tiny thing at all. He's tall, athletic, smart, nice, fun, loving, and gentle - also he's loud, sassy, and rambunctious. Although at times, I feel overwhelmed by him I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Now that he's becoming a real little person - I think I'm starting to get an idea of who he's going to be. The type of guy in high school that everyone likes - not too popular but not unpopular either. Friends with everyone. In college (or not if he continues to hate the idea of going to college) the mildly involved, fun loving guy. Gets good grades but has fun doing it. I think he's going to make a positive difference in a lot of people's lives as he makes his way through his own.

Here's a little look at the then and now:

The Magic of "2"

2008-03-10T14:21:00.003-05:00

I don't know if anyone can explain the mysterious age 2. Does anyone know the answers of what's so special about 2? It's like a magical transformation happens between the time they go to sleep and are 23 months old and wake up at 24 months old. Mood swings, rapid onset of speech (and sassy-ness), temper tantrums, unprovoked silly-ness (see picture to follow), and the immediate urge to be a big boy combined with the sudden inability to walk anywhere on his own. It's quite amazing to witness when I can take the time to step back and see the "2s" grabbing hold of my son. His newest obsession is Ian's bed. Ian sleeps in a twin and Jesse has always loved playing on the bed but now he insists on going to sleep in Ian's bed. Last night he was kicking and screaming about not wanting to go to sleep in his crib, yelling out "Ian's bed, Ian's bed" - so I tucked him in and left......3 minutes later he was fast asleep. Today for nap - same thing, kicking screaming, saying "Ian's bed" - so I tucked him in gave him his Snook and Elmo dolls and left......not a peep out of him and 5 minutes later when I checked on him - fast asleep. I'm not sure I'm ready for him to switch to a "big boy bed". Ian didn't move from the crib until he was nearly 3 - and that was because he was getting too big.

I know our little buddy, Simon, is already in a bed (a toddler bed) but Jesse would move straight into a full height twin.....he seems so small. They say second children move faster through the milestones, and I can see that. Jesse wants to be/do/have everything the same as Ian. I've never seen such a connection between siblings like that. I'm pretty sure at this age my sister and I were already fighting and not getting along (much better now though, right Donna). :)

So here's Jesse' first major bought of sillies after turning 2. We were sitting at the table eating our breakfast for dinner (eggs and toast and ham)...when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see this:

Jesse thought it was the funniest thing in the world to simply put his buttered toast, buttered side down of course, on his head and laugh uncontrollably. We of course laughed (our first mistake) and then tried to convince him not to do it again. He's always been prone to rubbing food on his head (Olive Garden bread sticks being on of his favorites) but never for the shear fun of it - he's never laughed about it before, but rather just did it. This was an act of thoughtful comedy. :) What am I going to do with him?

Catch up

2008-03-02T21:43:00.008-06:00

OKay - so February is finally over and it appears that although there is plenty on the calender, that life is starting to slow down. So, this is my chance to update everyone on the fun we had this past month. The beginning was mostly planning and trying to stay ahead of the game, then my birthday rolled around. We had a really nice dinner out with friends and Wendy made me a very delicious chocolate cake :) The boys bought me a super soft body pillow and cool plastic glasses (I love drinking out of plastic glasses, is very retro Pizza Hut in my head). Sam bought me a beautiful pendant from my QVC wish list. I love it! :) Then it was full speed ahead to Jesse's birthday.

The party was incredible. We had a great crowd filled with family and friends - all who showed us great support in our journey to bring Jesse home. I don't think he realized everyone was there for him and when Happy Birthday was sung he wilted into my arms. And we should have practiced blowing out the candles - I think he thought I was going to drop him into the cake. It just never occurred to me. But playing and socializing with everyone he thought was great. We served delicious Thai food (which I really should have ordered more of) and bagels with cream cheese. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves - and having so many kids (nearly 20 between the ages of 2-14) made it a lot of fun all around. Jesse loved opening his presents! He kept yelling "presents" every time someone new arrived at the party with a shiny package. It was really hard on Ian, being this was his first experience where someone else got all the presents, but he got over it the next day and since he gets to play with everything anyway......

On his actually birthday (the day ofter his party) we opened more presents and went to dinner. Again, I'm not sure he really grasp the whole thing but we kept reminding him it was his special day. I'm sure he'll catch on by next year.

After all the craziness, I thought it would be fun for a field trip to museum - there was a new Clifford, The Big Red Dog exhibit we still hadn't seen. Here is Ian hamming it up with Emily Elizabeth (who is sitting on Clifford foot). The whole thing is really great if you're familiar with the cartoon and the books. Everything looked exactly the same - and Clifford himself I think was over 8 feet tall.
Then I got some me time and went to a jewelry "class". It was more like rented space in a bead shop, but the owner did teach me a few tricks and showed me all the materials I needed. I had bought a few beads ahead of time and just supplemented with accents from the shop. I"m so super proud of my bracelet I made - I've worn it for 3 days in a row :) Here's a picture at my first attempt at jewelry design and making. Let me know what you think.

Happy Leap Year! :)

2008-02-29T10:31:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone - I know I have to post about Jesse's birthday and I will - once the pictures are on my computer and ready for upload. It's been a busy week - but his birthday party was very special and his actual birthday was great. I hope his birthmother was able to celebrate knowing he's so very loved.

I just had to make a post on this very special leap day - and promise to write in more detail soon :)

My children

2008-02-19T16:47:00.005-06:00

Well, the month is nearly over and I still have a ton of stuff going on. This weekend is Jesse's birthday party so I'm busy trying to get everything in order. Of course right when things are the craziest I end up with a really bad eye infection. Not just a normal kind of pink eye, but one that had my eye nearly swollen shut yesterday. Luckily, I'm on the mend today and by tomorrow should not be contagious anymore :)

I just wanted to post these beautiful pictures of my kids. My sister and her kids were here for a visit this weekend. It was great fun. She took these fabulous pictures. Ian and Nathaniel spent nearly 2 hours playing in the snow when this picture was taken. Mikaela and Jesse did not last as long :)

This picture of Jesse is him with his first birthday present! They brought him his very own "big train" and he loves it!

Today

2008-02-05T14:49:00.000-06:00

Today I voted in Super Tuesday - if you're state is part of Super Tuesday I encourage you all to get out there and VOTE!!!!

Today is also the 6th anniversary of when my Bubbie (Grandmother) passed away. I think of her often, not just today. I remember her voice and how she used to say "Hannah Bird!" and shake her head at my mischievous ways. I remember being little and playing in the laundry room while she put in/took out a load (she had this old plastic Barbie type army airplane - it was the strangest most wonderful toy), I remember meeting her in the airport when she came to visit us (and the time I was finally taller than she was), I remember the way she would pick my crab apart because my sorry-midwestern butt was too freaked out, I remember how she sang songs to us when we were going to sleep, I remember her snuggles, and I remember how her room smelled. There are so many memories.....

I wish she could have met my boys, she would have loved them both so much. As much as I sometimes have the urge to move away, I know I never could take Ian and Jesse away from their Bubbie. I'm really glad they will have her close by to create to many happy memories with.

So here are some fun facts about my Bubbie (and her family):

Bubbie and her sister (my Aunt Min) married two brothers and lived in one big house for most of their lives - raising their families side by side.
Bubbie had 2 children, a set of boy/girl twins (my mom and my Uncle George).
Bubbie used to volunteer at a Senior Center (even though she was older than some of the residents) :)
A scene from the John Water's movie "Cry Baby" was filmed in Bubbie's house.
Bubbie had a sweet tooth and liked Hershey Kisses

I love you and miss you, Bubbie!

The shortest month - with the most going on

2008-02-01T17:44:00.000-06:00

I've always been a little partial to February :) I love the mystery of the Leap Year, I love Amethyst (and pretty much all things purple), Ground Hog's Day is a pretty cool holiday, and it's the month of my birthday! This time around we have the added bonus of Jesse's birthday is also in February, making it a little sweeter. :)

So this year, I'm busy busy busy! I'm volunteering at the YMCA working on our Valentine's Day Family Dance, which we hope to make super cool with a raffle, popcorn machine, and DJ. It should be a lot of fun. I'm helping gathering donations, creating flyers, and brainstorming ideas (like for the popcorn machine) :) It's fun to be planning something that people will be excited about attending.

I've also been thinking about Jesse's birthday party for about 4 months now :) I've decided on a red/white/blue decor to honor both his new US citizenship and the colors in the Thai flag. I'm planning a big party with Thai food (and something for those not into Thai food, although how could you not be?), fun goodies, and it's going to be at the YMCA Adventure center - which has a "maze" that's 3 levels high (imagine a McDonald's play area on steroids). A blog-buddy of mine just celebrated her son's birthday, but he hasn't come home yet. Andrea in New Zealand hosted a nice little party to honor her son's 2nd birthday, which I know will mean a lot to him later in life. Last year, I remember going out for Thai food and me probably being very grumby and pouty - NOT THIS YEAR! :) It's a pretty big party for a 2 year old, but thanks to a generous aunt we are able to make Jesse's first real birthday party a big celebration. I know it's going to be so worth it.

So as this month begins, I will be busy with planning, conference calls, education seminars, a Pampered Chef party, Valentine's day celebrations, birthday celebrations, and then finally on leap year this year I will be taking a jewelry making class. Just what I need , another hobby :) But I think I'll like it and be really good at it. We'll see.

I'm suppose to be designing special t-shirts for the boys, using a method I read about on another blog but I just don't know if I'll have the time :( It might have been a little too artsy for me anyway.

Oh - and on this first day of February, Ian experienced his first SNOW DAY! Several area schools were canceled and so was the preschool classes at the Y. I didn't expect that, but I was glad once I looked outside and saw the SEVERAL inches of snow on my car :) Gotta love it!

Nearly all 50 States

2008-01-25T22:50:00.000-06:00

So, I don't know much about computers (except how to use them) and all the fancy stuff people do. I've never been part of a chat room or used bulletin boards very much. The closest I've gotten to an online community is this blog and the Thai Adoption List Serv! So when Sam connected me to some program that would track my blog visits I was amazed/impressed that something like this existed. It's pretty cool to see how many visits I get a day and how people find my blog....but the coolest thing is I can see where people are connecting from. Nothing creepy like addresses, but general locations down to the city. The other day I caught Sam checking up on my blog (I often don't even look because I thought I had a pretty good idea of who was reading it) and noticed I have visitors in over half of the United States!!!!! I was so excited to see shades of green in so many different states (this of course does not include my excitement over my overseas readers - many of whom I can guess their identities by location but some are a mystery).

I would love to meet everyone who checks into my blog and find out where you are reading from. If you have a connection to Thai adoption (or any adoption) I'd love to hear about it. Or if you found my site through some other means, please let me know, I'm really interested in meeting more people out there in the world.

So don't be afraid to leave me a comment and say HI :)

For an old friend

2008-01-17T18:31:00.001-06:00

Oh Gemma - thanks for commenting!!!!!!! Robin and I have tried to figure out a way to contact you but have failed. I've missed you and your blog - I'm so happy James is home safe and sound. I was worried! And congrats on your papers going to Thailand.

Please consider emailing me privately. I think you can get the info on my profile page.

I'm glad you are back around the blogging block - and hope to hear more from you soon!

Irony and the US Government

2008-01-14T16:10:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh - my lovely government never ceases to amaze me. Last week or so, I finally got around to applying for Jesse's social security number. I started figuring out what I needed to take with and in doing so found an interesting catch in the process.

1) I needed to bring the adoption decree with me as proof of his new name - I also needed 2 other forms of ID, one being his green card, and one with his new name (lucky for me he has his own YMCA card).

2) Then I read online (while downloading a form) that according to the Social Security Administration the adoption decree does not give him proof of citizenship - even though as soon as the papers were signed he became a US Citizen.

3) His SS number was issued as a permanent resident able to work and once he received either a passport or his certificate of citizenship we simply present that and his status will be changed....here's the irony....

In order to apply for a US passport or a certificate of citizenship all we have to do is present the adoption decree to prove he's already a citizen!!!!!!! The very paper the SSA claims is not a valid source of proof is the ONLY proof needed for a passport or certificate!?!?!?!? Does that make any sense to anyone? Both government agencies - both working under the same laws......all I can do is scratch my head.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T09:09:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year everyone. As wonderful as last year was for us, I know this one will be great for several of my blogging-buddies who are anxiously awaiting travel - I'm going to be so jealous if you all get called at the same time and get to meet in Bangkok!!! :)

Here are a few recent pictures:

This is the day we heard about Jesse's finalization. He's wearing his 4th of July shirt that says "All-American 07". We thought it was an appropriate way to celebrate. Ian also wore his 4th of July shirt that day!

This is us getting ready for New Year's Eve. We all have dobbly things on our heads - it was fun. We counted down to 8pm with some friends and then came home before the weather and the drivers got too out of control.

For the first time

2007-12-27T20:09:00.000-06:00

It's a weird thing I'm about to write about - one I'm not sure many people can relate to (although many people in my circle probably can....). I realized the other night, that for the first time in about 7 years I am no longer actively building my family. I am not thinking about a child I do not have, I am not trying to find a way to bring home a child I do not have, I am not taking shots, filling out paperwork, or dreaming about a child I do not have. I can now spend all my time focusing on the children I do have. It's a strange realization - a strange truth to wrap my head around. I no longer have to think about building my family because we are built. So much of my life has revolved around my dreams of motherhood - so much of my daily efforts over the past 7 years has been to get me to this very point, and now......I am not sure how to handle it.

It's a strange sensation to have your dreams become reality. I'm so glad Jesse's adoption has been finalized because now I can go into 2008 fresh, done, complete. It's a new beginning for a new life I'm really looking forward to living.

Parenting 202

2007-12-27T17:43:00.000-06:00

So, all the rules I finally had a grip on after 4 years of Ian (aka: Parenting 101) have gone completely out the window - apparently that's the lesson plan for Parenting 202 (aka: Jesse).

Things I never thought I would do:
1) Allow my 22 month old to have a lollipop
2) Allow my 22 month old to play with Hot Wheels cars
3) Allow my 22 month old to drink soda (nearly every time I have some he drinks some)
4) Allow my 22 month old to eat in the car (raisins as a snack on the way to the doctor's office)
5) Allow my 4 years old to "watch" my 22 months old, while I'm in the shower

Because:
1) Ian didn't have lollipops until he was 3 years old
2) Ian didn't play with Hot Wheels until he was 3 years old
3) Ian hardly ever drank from my soda and only recently (after his 4th birthday) has be been allowed to order Sprite, Fruit Punch, or Orange on any sort of regular basis
4) Ian NEVER eats in the car - except during our most recent car trip
5) Ian stayed in his crib while I showered until he was 2.5 years old

Oh happy day!

2007-12-20T10:54:00.000-06:00

Well, 6 months ago today we stepped of an airplane to start our new lives. It seems like forever ago and just like yesterday all at the same time. But today we mark a new milestone - Jesse's adoption was finalized yesterday! He's official, honestly, truly, and forever ours!!!!!!!!!! I've known he's been ours since the beginning but there is always something in the back of your head - waiting for those papers to go through and everything to be official. Now, it's official. He's a US Citizen - his name has been legally changed - and we are forever more a family of four!

It's hard to explain - it feels like nothing has really changed, yet my whole world is now different. Today's a great day - and this makes the holiday season even sweeter.

2007 shaped up to be a really awesome year!

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-17T20:16:00.001-06:00

Get ready for picture overload :)

2007-12-14T14:37:00.000-06:00

Here are some photo I've been meaning to post.

This is the first bite Jesse took of his first Thanksgiving dinner. You can see by the twinkle in his eye he was really excited about the plate of food in front of him.

Here is the snow fall that was worth anything. The boys bundled up and went to play. Jesse loved it and Ian showed him how to make Snow Angels.

Here are some shots from the end of Hanukkah. They had a great time all week but really the last night makes the most impressive picture. Jesse loved the candles and it didn't take him long to realize that lighting the candles meant opening presents. Remembering back to how different things were last year, made this a very special and great holiday for all of us. I broke Hanukkah down to the basics - it's about celebrating miracles and I definitely have 2 precious miracles to celebrate every day.

The interesting world of International Adoption

2007-12-07T14:36:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been nearly 6 months since we've been home and I must say life has been interesting. After waiting over 2 years for Jesse, I tried pretty hard to mentally prepare myself for life after he arrived home. Not just the issue of mothering 2 boys, or how Ian would react (which I ended up being totally wrong about) but for all the things an international adoption meant for our future. I've discovered that no matter how prepared you think you are - the reality is you've probably thought of all the wrong things. In the prep classes we were required to go to, we heard all the stories of rude strangers, constant questions, and loss of privacy - I mean everyone was going to look at us and see we adopted Jesse. I've written before about how I'd been getting ready to face the world and spread the gospel of adoption to the masses.....well, I haven't had to do that. Even when the four of us are together we hardly get a double take - and the boys are always referred to as brothers. Maybe as he gets older things will change - he'll go to school with people who didn't follow along with his journey - maybe his skin will darken and his ethnicity will be more obvious....maybe then we'll start with all the questions. But for now it's heartwarming and wonderful knowing we might not have to live our lives in a fish bowl - maybe the world has caught up to the internationally built family.

But I wasn't prepared for the way I'd have to consciously remember to talk about adoption. The way it melts into the background of our lives and we could go days without mentioning it, without talking about Thailand. I know eventually this will be normal but while Jesse is growing and learning I feel it should be a constant. I can SO understand how easily it must have been for those parents in the 50's and 60's (and even later) to simply not inform their domestically adopted children of their past. It's just not important now that he's home - he's mine and it feels like he always has been. I couldn't put two and two together before about how things happened back then, but now I completely understand. For Jesse, it's important and I will educate him the best I can - but it has turned out a little different than I expected.

On the other hand, which sort of contradicts my previous statements, it's hard to explain and teach the kids about history and religion at this point. We started celebrating Hanukkah and I've been reading the stories and history to the boys.....it's hard to wrap my head around saying "our people" because I'm not sure that's right. I mean Jesse will be raised Jewish - it will be a history we'll learn and hopefully embrace - but will they ever be his people? We also celebrated the King of Thailand's birthday this week. Knowing it's important to hold onto Jesse's culture, but how much of that will Ian be able to embrace? Maybe I'm going about parenting this all wrong - maybe I don't have the right grasp on everything yet. But I just wasn't prepared for these seconds guesses and thoughts......it's like I spent 2 years studying for the wrong test.

I don't even know if these ramblings make sense outside my head....but I felt the need to post about it. :)

First snow

2007-12-02T11:18:00.000-06:00

Well - it finally happened, yesterday we received our first bit of snow. Ian was jumping out of his skin and before we say anything has pulled on his new snow pants, boots, hat, mittens, jacket.....the whole nine yards. So we figured it would be a great time to introduce our tropical baby to his first snow (while there was only about a half inch on the ground) :). So, Jesse, too was bundled up to his eyeballs and get out into the great white snow.....and surprisingly he loved it!!!!! We thought for sure he would hate it, but Ian was having so much fun - and as usually Jesse will follow his cue. It was super adorable and another great first to remember. This weekend has not turned out to be very productive but it has been a lot of fun :) A fair trade off, I would say. I'll post pictures when they are downloaded.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-30T15:01:00.000-06:00

I can't even believe what a year we've had. We spent Thanksgiving with my sister in Ohio, and it's the same place I was last year. Now, I have a confession of sorts - I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings by coming clean....but last November we were in a really dark place. We had expected our referral in October and that didn't happen - when it still hadn't arrived in November I was pretty depressed. Our agency representative felt bad and when she delivered the news that it would be another 6 weeks until the referral, I thought I was going to lose it. Andrea, our WACAP angel, reached into her heart and gave us the most precious gift last Thanksgiving...our first picture of Jesse. We didn't tell anyone - and even lied about it when we finally did share his picture, but it was too precious and we didn't want Andrea to get in trouble. I was sitting there at my sister's house remembering a year ago, how I sat at her computer and for the first time saw my son. It was a gorgeous Thanksgiving weekend, perfect weather, and this perfect little present emailed to us from across the country. I thought about that as I watched Jesse run around in circles chasing the dog, watch him gobble up his first Thanksgiving dinner (which he loved), and as we sat and had our first family-of-4 holiday picture taken (to be seen later on our holiday cards).....what a year we've had. I have so much to be thankful for - sometimes I can't believe I'm really this lucky.

We are now gearing up for a few really big events. 1) Hanukkah starts on Tuesday night. Another first for Jesse. I know he's going to love the candles and the presents - and the potato latkes :) 2) Jesse's adoption is right on track for mid-December finalization. Our social worker was here for her last home visit and it was bittersweet. It's hard to believe we are so close to being "official" and 3) Christmas Eve with my in-laws. It's a fun festive evening with presents, a huge dinner and lots of laughing. Even though we don't really celebrate Christmas it is a family tradition to go and spend time together. Jesse will love seeing the big Christmas tree and all the lights.

I'm glad things are picking up and busy-ness is setting in. I've been feeling very overwhelmed emotionally lately. A lot of little things piling up in my head and it's been hard to shake. I have a plan in my head but it's been hard to execute everything I'd like to do...plus there are just things that can't be controlled. Sorry, I don't mean to be mysterious - I'm just not comfortable writing about specifics on the blog. But the holiday season makes me happy - I love the shopping, the wrapping, the "baking" (I don't really bake but I manage to put together a decent gift plate for friends), the decorations, and all the stuff that most people find stressful. So, hopefully for the next month or so I can work my way out of a funk and remember all the wonderful things I have in my life to enjoy and smile about.

Long time

2007-11-16T14:16:00.000-06:00

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. We went on vacation right after Halloween and it's taken me a week to recover! We took an amazing road trip...but first Halloween. Here's a picture of me in my awesome costume with my Knight in Shining Armor.

We had 2 fun filled days of parties at the YMCA, plus actually trick-or-treating with our friends. Jesse caught on super fast and was not shy about wanting the candy. Ian was a super trick-or-treater running from house to house and never loosing steam. We had to drag him back to our friends' house for dinner, or else he'd have been out all night. He had a great time, and I don't think it was even all about the candy. Just the act and excitement of each new house, all decorated and all the surprises the lurked behind each door.

Then we headed out on the road for a giant trip - hey man, go big or go home, right? So we drove through the night to Pittsburgh and stopped over for good friends and good food. I only lived there a year but I made this amazing friend, Tara, and she opened her house to us and helped us eat our way around town. It may sound weird, but really Pittsburgh has some of the move amazing local restaurants. Imagine a giant sandwich with your choice of meat (we like the tuna salad or roast beef), a slice of cheese, vinegar cold slaw, tomatoes (if you like) and super yummy french fries, all together on thick cut italian bread!!!! I know, I know - but you've got to taste it! There is an amazing tex-mex place, Mad Mex, that was a late night spot when Sam was in college, he was hooked for 4 years and it took me like 2 visits to start craving it). And, although I'm proud to be from the Chicagoland area, there is a local Pizza place in Pittsburgh that is the most delicious pizza I've ever had. Our next trip to the 'burgh will include more than just food :) Oh, and you can't forget the Smiley Cookies! I can't wait to go back!

Okay - so I spend a lot of time talking about food we ate in the first 24 hours of our trip...but we had a great adventure heading into Baltimore, MD to visit family. Aunt Sheilah (pictured with us and my niece, Faren, at the Harbor Place) Aunt Frona, Grandma Elaine, Aunt Min, and Jack all met Jesse for the first time and saw Ian again for the first time in 2 years. We went to the Utz Potato Chip factory tour (super yummy chips you can only get out East), Hershey, PA (where I once again ate the best chocolate cake in the world from this little local diner), and Washington DC - to Air and Space Museum and the National Zoo. We spent time with my sister, Donna and her family - the first real time she's spent with Jesse. And returned home, exhausted but really happy. Ian has also started a new collection - squished pennies, so now we hunt for those machines where ever we go :) Okay - enough babble now for some pictures.

Picture proof

2007-10-23T21:24:00.001-05:00

Here are a few pictures of the fun we've been having. 2 were taken at the pumpkin patch/farm.

This one is Ian and Jesse sitting on some pumpkins. I've been taking pictures of Ian like this since we've been going to this farm. It was really a beautiful day and we didn't even need our jackets. I can't believe how grown up Ian looks - it's hard to believe he's going to be 5 in March!

This is one of all the kids. We are lucky to have such great friends who have kids around the same ages. In order they are: Simon, Max, Ian, Amelia, and Jesse. Aren't they the cutest little veggies you've ever seen :)
Here is one of the boys all dressed up for Halloween. We had our first party at the Y Friday night and it was so much fun seeing them all dressed up. I can't wait to take them trick-or-treating. Because I will be working the day of and the day before Halloween - I also get to wear a costume. I'll post pictures of that next week.

It's hard to believe the end of October is nearly here. The weather finally feels like Fall but I'm not looking forward to the snowy season. We'll see how Jesse feels about all this cold - he's finally used to jackets and socks. Not sure how he'll feel about boots and snow, though.

Anniversaries, sickies, and Pet peeve(ies)

2007-10-17T17:37:00.000-05:00

Well - things are going great! I know , I know - yes this is really me and yes I really mean it. Although I've been sick this past week with a little Shingles outbreak (which can I just say is a horrible name for a sickness. It makes me feel dirty every time I say it, like I don't shower - which I do. And I always thought it was something old people got....but anyway) things have been going really well. The boys have been getting along, Jesse is learning new words every day, and Ian has been acting wonderfully. He's been funny and creative and excited and energetic and all the things I would consider normal. And it's been at least 5 days since I wished I could rent him out for birth control! That might be a new record in recent months.

Yesterday was mine and Sam's 8th wedding anniversary. We are going out Friday night (a surprise he's planning) and again with friends on Saturday. We've been together 13 years and it's hard to believe our wedding was 8 years ago! And since we have been dating since the stone ages, prior to digital photography, it's with regret :) I can't post our prom picture or wedding picture. Oh well :)

Halloween is coming and I love Halloween! My sister sent me a fancy new costume (wonderful green Renaissance dress) that I love and Ian is getting into the spirit. I've never been one to decorate for the holidays but Ian really wanted to and my mom helped him hang stuffed pumpkins from the front bushes. I can't wait to get all dressed up and take pictures. Ian is going to be a Knight in Shining Armour (another wonderful costume made by said sister) and Jesse will be a Fireman. Have I ever mentioned my wonderfully talented sisters? One is a costumer by trade (literally works at the Washington DC Shakespeare Theater and the other takes gorgeous pictures - including our holiday family ones). Sam will wear an orange t-shirt with a jack-o-lantern face :)

Halloween also brings out one of my pet peeves - so allow me to step on my soap box for a moment.....the big green creature with bolts in his neck is NOT (I repeat) NOT Frankenstein! Frankenstein is the Dr. who creates the creature - who is known simply as The Monster (or Frankenstein's Monster). Please take this knowledge and do with it as you like :)

Where has all the time gone?

2007-09-30T22:46:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it is nearly October. You'd never guess by the weather we are having here but I think it's going to break into more Fall like temps tomorrow. Anyway - we've been so busy with school, work, meetings, gatherings, outings, and holidays I can't believe I haven't posted in so long.

Jesse celebrated his first Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, which were rather uneventful and marked with dinners at Bubbie and Zayde's house. Unfortunately we still have not gotten around to joining a temple.....another thing on my to-do list.

We had our court date, which has allowed the paper pushing to start toward the finalization of the adoption. It's beyond words to think of it being finalized - while at the same it already seems so final. It's a strange in between and it's hard to explain. I know he's mine so the court dates seemed like no big deal - but at the same time it's a huge deal and was very exciting. I told you - hard to explain.

We went Apple Picking and to the Jelly Belly Factory tour (which is actually a tour around the warehouse that shows you videos of bean production - all while sitting on a cute little train wearing a silly paper hat). It was a very warm day and it made apple picking not so much fun. But we did get a lot of yummy apples to eat.

Ian went to the dentist for a cleaning - no cavities and he was a perfect patient. He didn't squirm, cry, or resist. I was super proud. I also went to the dentist for a cleaning and have no cavities to report :)

Jesse went swimming for the first time (with us) and seemed to really love it. He's come a long way from the kid who screamed and wouldn't sit down in the bathtub. Ian has made huge progress in his lessons and can swim short distances with no assistance (again, so proud).

Although I still feel a little out of sorts with my routine, and being so busy, and having a hard time cooking dinner....I'm also feeling really happy these days. I hope I didn't just jinx myself :)

The good with the bad

2007-09-18T18:09:00.000-05:00

Well - this was going to be a happy post but my heart is being far overshadowed by what I would consider a set-back. First the happy news : we are going to court on Thursday to start our finalization process. It's not official because we still need to wait for approval from Thailand to actually finalize but this will start the process in the courts. Hopefully our approval from Thailand will arrive just before the courts have processed the paperwork (since we are almost 2/3 done with our post placements visits - next one is scheduled for October 3rd) and everything will be finalized in 6 months. From what I understand the actually court date is a big deal to us, but not like you see on TV. No special stuffed animals or balloons, no photos with the judge....but to us it's a huge deal - so maybe we'll have ice cream for lunch or something to celebrate! :)

On the other hand - I was wrong about Ian. I don't think he's adjusting as well as I thought last week and apparently it was all an act so I'd let my guard down. Okay - do I really think my 4 year old it that cunning? I would hope not, but it certainly feels like I've been duped. He's currently in his room being punished for hitting and throwing things at Sam. What makes the entire situation worse is when we try to reason with him and talk to him he laughs at us....until we actually put him on his bed and close the door - the he wails! Not cries - WAILS. I no longer know what to do. He has decided to ignore every rule every established and is apparently suffering a severe hearing loss - because we need to tell him to stop 3 times before he even reacts (take note, I did not say stops). I feel like I'm failing him but I don't know what else to do - he often puts me out on a very thin limb.....

I read an article once that talked about how far can you really go when blaming things on adoption - meaning when a child who was adopted as an infant can't make friends is that really because he was adopted? Trust me the examples were pretty extreme but now I'm wondering....did I do this to Ian? Did I cause him such pain and emotional upset by bringing Jesse home? Or is this just normal 4.5 year old behavior? Sounds like a chicken/egg problem. I just wish I could figure it all out.

Ian Dancing

2007-09-13T22:13:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone its Sam again (now using my own account ;) )

Here is a video of Ian showing off his moves at the wedding Hannah was talking about.

So much to say

2007-09-11T18:13:00.000-05:00

Well - I've been meaning to post for a few days and now I have a bunch of little things to talk about. One is a great conversation I had with Ian. And please remember - HE'S 4!!!!!!!

Ian: Mommy - am I Thai?
Me: No, you're not Thai.
I: But Jesse is.
M: Yes, Jesse is Thai, that's right.
I: So what am I?
M: You're American.
I: So did you go to American to get me?
M: No, honey, you grew in my tummy.
I: How'd I get in your tummy?
M: Well, Mommy and Daddy went to see a special doctor who helped mommy get pregnant.
I: Did he put me in your tummy?
M: Not exactly.
I: So, how'd-I-get-in-your-tummy?
M: It's a mommy and daddy thing.
*enter cute thing done by Jesse and the conversation is over*

In that moment, I actually wished I had gone through IVF, so I could have said "Yes, yes that doctor did put you in my tummy." :)

This past weekend we attended a wedding. Someone Sam works, and we have become friends with them both. Ian has been practicing his dance moves for the big day. He has great moves - I'll have Sam upload a video, and was so happy when the music started. he was out there pulling out all the stops - and I saw the people smiling and clapping for him...it filled my heart with such joy. As often as I feel I don't do him justice as a parent....he's a great kid. One people like and find adorable. I was a very proud mama :)

The past few weeks have been amazing. Ian has returned from his angry place and I've really noticed his personality returning to "normal". It was subtle at first but now I see he's smiling more again, laughing more again, and just enjoying life again. He's taken to his role as big brother and has turned a gentle more loving corner with Jesse. Everyone keeps asking how Jesse has adjusted and how his transition has been - I always think to myself, a piece of cake compared to Ian's. But my boy is a great trooper and stuck it out to find his light at the end of the tunnel. He's comfortable in his new life which makes me so proud.

As much as I love the little boys they are - I realize I'm really looking forward to seeing the men they grow up to be.

I've been tagged

2007-08-30T23:18:00.001-05:00

So, for those who read my comments - you might have seen a mysterious one about Andrea tagging me. Apparently it's a kind of blog "forward/chain letter" type deal. Well, I'm not into those - but after reading Andrea's post I thought it might be fun to share some general information about myself. I realize a lot of people reading might now know anything aside from the adoption journey we have been on. So here it goes (things I think other people might find interesting about me):

Sam and I are high school sweethearts and until we got engaged we had a long distance relationship. (That equals 4 years.) We dated about 2 months before I headed off to college (Beloit, WI) and Sam went to New Zealand as an exchange student. Then he came home and headed to Pittsburgh for college. On my graduation day, he proposed in front of a house full of people and I moved to Pittsburgh for a year. We've been married for 8 years this October.

In my family I have 2 sisters, 2 brother-in-laws, 1 nephew, and 2 nieces. I also have NO first cousins.

Growing up I wanted to be the next Greatest American Writer and received a degree in Creative Writing - somewhere along the line I fell in love with layout and design. Some would call it Graphic Design - but I'm not an artist and really consider what I do layout. I'm enjoying doing it for fun after working in corporate advertising for about 5 years. However, when I have to go back to work - I'm not sure what I will look for. My interests and passions have changed...

Which brings me to....I really enjoy Sociology. I love to read books about class structures, welfare, foster care, family dynamics, and social histories (Holocaust memoirs, personal accounts of triumph). I sometimes think I would want to be a social worker - but that'll suck the life right out of you. I think I'd love to run support groups - help people by letting them vent and talk in a safe place with other people who understand what they are going through. But I don't think I have it in me to go back to school for another degree.

I collect mice. All kinds - although it's packed away right now, my collection is quite extensive (and there is not one Mickey Mouse to be seen). Once day I will have a house where my office can be decked out in mice. My collection includes statues, stuffed animals, china plates, wrapping paper, glass/plastic/ceramic figurines, brand new and antiques.....I haven't seen it in so long but everything you can imagine I have.

My favorite painting, The Old Shepherd's Chief Mourner, is from the Victorian Era by Sir Edwin Landseer. Some people think it's creepy but I love it - we have a copy hanging in our bedroom.

I love to shop and have an obsession with jewelry and handbags. It's a problem. :) I love pens. I have more than any one person needs in this computer age - but I can't stop myself from buying more. Everything from Bic to carved wood. I often ask people to buy them for me during their vacations.

Okay - I guess that's enough diving into my personality disorders :) Probably more than any of you wanted to know anyway. Maybe by the middle of next week I'll have more cute kid stories to share :)

Picture Update

2007-08-30T23:10:00.001-05:00

Here are a few great pictures. One is from when my niece and nephew were in town. The others were some fun we had today on Ian's bed. The boys love playing on that bed! Ian saw this picture after and exclaimed "I didn't even crinkle my noise - that's so good of me!" It was so cute.

Personal Plea

2007-08-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

Gemma - you closed your blog!!!!! Email me so I can get permission to read it again PLEASE!!! I hope things are okay.
thanks:)

The power is back

2007-08-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

We have had power since Saturday night - which was a wonderful thing. Especially since Jesse has been fighting a fever. I took him to the doctor today and they had to run some extra tests. Hopefully it's just something his body was fending off and now it's on the mend. He had more energy tonight and I finally got to see his little smile again. I missed it so much after 3 days.

Driving to the doctor's office we pass an animal shelter. It made me remember going in there with Ian last March. We had arrived too early for his appointment and decided to waste time by looking at the cute animals. It was before we received our travel date and looking at all those cute little faces gave me a huge urge to bring something home. Just pick one of these caged animals and make it my own - nurture it and take care of it - most of all love it. I remember the one I wanted most was a beautiful kitten with an extra toe. :) She was adorable. Today's car ride made me think of that adventure because life has changed so much. In the back seat of my car, was the little creature I had been waiting to nurture and now it broke my heart to see him so sad again. I'd been hugging him and kissing him and snuggling him trying to rid his body of what hurt.....in the end I had to take him someplace that scared him and ultimately caused him more pain with pokes and prodes.

Ian didn't have a lot of illness when we was little. He's had two bouts of stomach yuck but otherwise he just doesn't get sick. I don't think I'd make a good nurse or doctor - I feel too helpless. My boys are going to get sick again - I'm sure a lot more in their lives......will taking care of them ever get easier?

missing in action

2007-08-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone - sorry it's been awhile but things have been crazy. My sister, niece, and nephew came in for a short visit last weekend (kind of on a whim) we did a lot of running around. I have some cute pictures of the kids to post when I can. However, a huge storm rolled through our area on Thursday afternoon and we haven't had power since. It's been very hectic and very stressful. Not only do we have no lights, tv, radio, and the normal stuff - but we also have no stove, range, hot water heater.....our entire house is run on electricity. We have no gas appliances or anything....so we have been down and out for nearly 2 days. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but with Ian and Jesse, and the heat....and us having to take refuge at my parents' 1-bedroom apartment for the day....and eating out every meal......let's just say I'm tired. And I should buy stock in Alieve.

There has been a slight break in the weather but it's still not great. I'm currently at the library near my parents place so I could check my email, update the blog, and get a little peace and quiet.

What makes it worse is that a lot of our northwest suburban area is effected - which means driving anywhere causes heart palpitations because of traffic lights being out. This morning we drove through a huge dangerous intersection where the police were simply sitting in their cars watching the mayhem. It's ridiculous. Well - now I'm just ranting, so I'll move on and then shut up.

We have started the adoption process through our court system. Our papers are being properly filed and we are waiting for approval from Thailand. Once we get that all our other papers will be already ready to go. It's a nice thought that things are moving forward, even though 95% of the time I forget Jesse is not quite ours yet. (Legally, that is).

I'll post some pictures when I can.

Goings on

2007-08-10T22:54:00.000-05:00

Another crazy week has flown by..although not really fast enough at times. We've been really busy running around during the day. My mom had her knee surgery and has been recovering at a live-in rehab center. Now, my mom and I are close.....but her feels toward Ian are a little hard to describe. She waited for him as long as I did, through all our treatments....all the ups and downs of the pregnancy....and right there when he was born - she's been through it all. Nothing against my nieces and nephew but they don't live locally (so it's a little different). She can hardly stand not seeming him for more than 2 days in a row, so we've been visiting her nearly every day. It was also important to her that Jesse not forget her, and he not lose this time of bonding with her. Well, finally today she got to go home!!!! Yippy - now at least we can visit in the comfort of her home. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was pretty stressful taking them to visit her at "the home". I was also so worried they were being too loud, too disruptive, too crazy....I'd walk in and my stress level would go through the roof - and they'd just want to be boys and play around. Ian got yelled at a lot (some rightfully so, others probably me over reacting...but no mother wants her kids talked about behind her back - especially if the talk is bad) - I tried to keep a pretty tight reign on them. But that's over.....

I've also been just having a hard week in general. I just finished this really great book - apparently I'm the last person on the planet to read it, "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. Now, normally I'm very snobby about what I read and books that have the author's name larger than the title....I tend to stay clear of those. I'm a hard core fiction fan - stuff from off the beaten path, authors with one or two titles or ones that have proven great writers (in case anyone cares, I love Gloria Naylor and Amy Hempel). (I also tend to read a lot of non-fiction but that's a passion for another entry). Anyway.....this book has gotten me thinking about the person I once thought I'd be. I once thought I had great stories to tell - tales to weave into the hearts of America. I'd win awards and (most importantly) be required reading in some high school because of my wit and expert characterization. Guess what....didn't happen. I don't really have a point behind this except my 10 year college reunion is coming up next year and that combined with reading this book has made me feel very small.

Speaking of small....I have to just move on and post something cute or else I'll never get to sleep tonight. We received the "biggest" gift I've ever seen...literally

Yes - this is both Ian and Jesse inside the wonderful tote bag sent to us by my cousin's family. Now I know Ian looks like a giant head but he really is a normal sized boy, at around 41 inches tall. :) And Jesse only looks unhappy because we was having so much fun prior to this swimming around inside the bag by himself.

Visitors

2007-07-28T18:22:00.000-05:00

Hi there! I've been hooked up with a program that allows me to see what cities are accessing the blog. It's fun to see where I'm getting hits from - and a lot of them I can figure out who's looking (at least make an educated guess) but some.....not so much.

So if you're out there give me a comment and introduce yourself :) I love blogging buddies - the more the merrier. Maybe some of you are adopting from Thailand - or interested - or just curious - any which way I'd love to meet you.

Thanks for reading! :)

Legal

2007-07-28T16:36:00.001-05:00

It's official - Jesse is an official legal permanent resident of the USA. He received his green card on Thursday. It's a photo ID and they used the same picture from his Visa, which was taken the day after we took custody of him in Thailand. He looks like a different kid - so young and small. Yup, I guess we are fattening him up :)

I hope we don't have to destroy the card after the adoption is finalized - I think it would be great for his "baby book". Anyone out there know?

What to say....

2007-07-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

The past week has been great. I'm not sure where the vibe is coming from exactly because Ian was sick yesterday and I know on Tuesday I was pulling my hair out - but overall there is a good vibe going on. The last few days I have been looking at Jesse with pride and honor. The same way I did when Ian was first born - how lucky I am to be his mother. How lucky I am to have been trusted to raise Jesse and love him. He makes me smile at the weirdest times and it's the warmest smile from the deepest part of me.

One of the main social workers from the TRC is in Seattle this weekend. She's attending the Thai Family Reunion and getting to spend some time with our agency. I was able to send her a personal letter, through our agency, and some pictures of Jesse. I've been wanting to do this for some time - to express the emotions I feel towards the TRC and all they did for him, the love and devotion they showed him....giving him a great foundation during his first year of life. I've also been thinking of writing his birthmother a letter.

When I look into his eyes, they are her eyes...and I can't help but want to reach out to her. But how do I begin to thank this woman, this girl, really, and thank her for being brave and thank her for my son and still be respectful of the pain she must have felt. The love I know she still feels for HER son - can she accept him as mine as well? I want to wrap my arms around her and praise her for having strength beyond anything I can comprehend, and let her know her baby (our baby) is safe and loved and treasured. I want her to know that even though we have never met, and probably never will, I love her on a level I've never loved anyone else - and I don't even really know what that means. She holds a special place in my heart and I will carve a place in Jesse's heart just for her. I just don't know if there are words for the gift she has given us - the joy she has created....the peace she has provided....the puzzle she has completed.

Our wonderful day

2007-07-23T12:16:00.000-05:00

Up and down the mounds they go - it was so cute watching Ian help Jesse.

The family standing outside Pearsons (what some might call a student union). We have one just like this with Ian as a baby :)

One month..and a day

2007-07-21T16:31:00.000-05:00

Well, we've been home a month - which I can't even believe - and things have continued to go well. I feel my 4 year old will be in therapy soon because I feel all I do is yell at him....but today was actually a good day so now I don't feel obligated to dwell on the struggles. We'll just bask in the glow of a fun outing to visit friends and visions of Ian holding Jesse's hand as they walked up an Indian Mound (a large bump randomly in the grass on my college campus) I will post a picture so everyone can see (when Sam' downloads them). It was Jesse's first visit to Beloit College, which is a right of passage as far as I'm concerned. He will also be enthusiastically introduced to Carnegie Mellon in the Fall - just as Ian was. Ian claims he's never going to college because he doesn't want to leave me - instead he wishes he can just drive a package truck. I told him 1) You'll want to go to college when you understand what it really means, and 2) Driving a package truck is fine, but you will not be living at home while doing it. :)

During all the pre-adoption education people prepare you for those ignorant, rude, or just plain curious strangers who feel the right to ask you anything their little heart desires. I've heard some horror stories about what strangers will actually say to people like: "How much did she cost?", "What if the mother wants her back?", and just things like "My mother knew this women who's daughter adopted and the baby was not right......" blah blah blah. So of course, we were prepared - we were armed with responses.......we have not gotten one comment AT ALL!!!!! I'm a little disappointed because I'd love to talk about Jesse and his heritage and all we went through and survived. I'd love to educate the world on adoption and the wonders it brings to your life....but no one has asked. We were asked once if Jesse is Hispanic - which leads me to believe that many people might think that....which is not weird....which would not lead to empowering conversations about adoption. I guess we'll never know.

I did however have one encounter that has been weighing on my heart, unfortunately this was not by a stranger. Long story short....I made a comment about how I needed some chocolate - being a new mother of two. Kinda joking - mostly not (because everyone know chocolate solves stress and headaches) :) The response I got was "Oh, you're not really a mother of two unless you went through all the rig-a-ma-role" (gesturing to his belly and such). I was stunned...thankfully Sam jumped in and said "I think we went through plenty of rig-a-ma-role".....I still just don't know what to say. I'm Jesse's mother - I'm Ian's mother - I am a mother of two - conversation OVER!!!!!!

Happy note: Jesse received his welcome to the United States letter today from INS. It was fun to see and read the little note of a government form letter.

Sorry this is long - I hadn't posted because I didn't think I had anything to say :) I was wrong.

Picture update

2007-07-09T16:10:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures from the 4th of July celebration (on the 3rd) :) (Thanks Maria for all the great shots from that night) I think they speak volumes about the fun everyone had. Not much to blog about these days. I'm not feeling as overwhelmed as I was a week ago, Jesse is still doing great - although I'm still not sure he knows I'm Mommy and what that all means. He definitely knows I'm safe and a caretaker, which is a positive step. The boys have fun chasing each other around the house and although still possessive over his toys, Ian is getting much better about sharing. Today was Ian's first day of summer camp. He's going to the YMCA for just over a half day, 3 days a week. He cried last night, cried this morning about how he didn't want to leave me. He wanted to stay home with me and Jesse and do what we were doing. I made him a deal - one day of camp, if he hated it he didn't have to go back. Surprise surprise when I picked him up he was already talking about all the stuff they were going to do tomorrow. I knew he'd love it. And he got a gleaming report from his counselors about how good he was and how great he was at sharing (who's kid is that?). I'm very lucky to have such good boys.

This is Ian enjoying the firework - he was so amazed by it all.

Here's Jesse after a loud, bright one went off. I love it - just wish I could have captured the shriek that went along with it. :)

An amazing day

2007-07-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a truly amazing day with a few wonderful instances that I will hold in my heart forever. First, Jesse woke up from his nap and when I went into the room and said hi, he smiled a big toothy grin. For no other reason except he saw me! It was an amazing feeling and the first time this had happened - sure he's smiled before when tickled, or tossed, or when we were being silly and playing...but never just because he saw me. It was great, really great.

The second event was celebrating the 4th of July (a day early) with going to the fireworks. Ever since I was little I marveled in the magic of things...rainbows, stars, fireflies, Pegasus (okay not real but still magical), and fireworks. They always seemed so magical to me and special, I loved going to the riverfront (in the town I lived in when I was little) and setting up the blanket and seeing all my friends and then watching the giant explosion of lights. My favorites are the ones that twinkle and the purple ones (I'm sure no surprise to anyone who knows me)......last night I got to see the magic through the eyes of my boys! Ever since 9/11 I have not been a fan of crowded places, so we have not actually been TO the fireworks for several years. I just couldn't pass up a chance of going with good friends to share in the first 4th celebrations for Jesse and Simon (my friends' son). And technically with Ian because he's never been to a full fireworks show...anyway....the darkness finally came and the show started. Ian was completely taken by it and sat with his mouth open for the first several explosions. He thought it was so cool and smiled ear to ear - he was so excited when he saw a red one or a green one. Jesse wasn't as captivated but he'd watch and toddle around the blanket and watch some more. When a big boom came he'd raise his hands and shriek with glee. At the end of it all, Jesse was sitting on Sam's lap with a huge grin on his face and with no prompting started to clap....he felt the magic. They both did.

It was a great family night out. The perfect way to celebrate the USA and in a way Jesse coming home. My friend took some pictures, which I'll load when I get them. It was just a great day - I've babbled on about but I really never want to forget it.

Some pictures

2007-07-02T12:55:00.001-05:00

Brotherly love

2007-06-30T13:31:00.000-05:00

I'm so pleased with the relationship the is forging between Ian and Jesse. It is very clear they care a great deal for each other. I knew Ian would be attached quickly - after all we've been talking about his brother for over 1.5 years. But Jesse's taking to Ian surprises me a little. If Ian is sitting on the floor, Jesse with often just go up and give him a hug. A little squeeze for a second or two and then he's off again (of course I never have my camera ready at the right moments, and I've failed at recreating the affection for the camera). They are brothers already and it warms my heart to see.

I've been meaning to write about some of the wonderful strides Jesse has made since being home - I'm so proud. Before he was drinking strictly from a bottle while laying in a crib - so he never lifted his arms or head to drink anything. Since being home he's mastering the beginning sippy cups and now fully tilts his head back to drink (so he can drink while sitting in his booster seat). Before coming home I'm not sure how much climbing opportunities he had, but he's already mastered climbing into Ian's small arm chair, and figuring out how to turn around and sit. And yesterday he came over to my on the couch, lifted his arms, and very clearly said "up" - my jaw dropped and Ian screamed "he talked!" He's learning so fast and being so brave about his new life. I'm a super proud mom about both my boys! :)

Next week I'm going to invite a friend over for a mini playdate. Simon is only 2 weeks younger than Jesse - they will be best friends I think :). I'm going to test how he reacts and I know that if anything goes haywire my friend, Maria, won't be offended if I shoo her out of the house. It's a perfect test. I know he'll do great - he seems to really enjoy being around other kids (which seems obvious from being in the orphanage setting) and it'll be good for him.

I also feel it's time to start introducing him to some family members. So I'm going to allow some people to start coming over and hanging out on the couch. We'll go from there and if this go well - bonus. If not, I'll stop having people over. I feel comfortable with this plan of action and I feel I have to start somewhere. Right?

Week one

2007-06-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

Today we've been home a week and I think the brotherly love honeymoon period is wearing off. Ian had a rough day today and when I tried to give him snuggles Jesse would come over and shriek loudly in protest. hmmmm - I guess this is normal and I should be happy things are settling in. We have ventured out a few times - but I've broken one of my own rules by allowing my mother to tag along and spend some time at the house. At first it was an accident, she came over while Jesse was sleeping to visit Ian but then nap was over and Ian wouldn't allow her to leave (he's very attached to his Bubbie). So began my downward spiral. I was too nervous to take them to the mall by myself so Mom came along.....I know there is nothing wrong with this decision - my mom spends a lot of time over at the house and is our primary babysitter, so her getting to know Jesse and vice versa is a good thing. I just feel bad I wasn't able to uphold the standards I set upon myself - I feel like I failed in my transition from mother-of-one-at-a-time to mother-of-two. But what's done is done.....

Jesse had his first doctor's appointment and I was beaming with pride when the doctor seemed to impressed with his development and growth. I had little to do with any of it - but it made me feel safe and secure in knowing he was so well taken care of at the TRC. Tomorrow he has his blood taken for some tests - I'm not looking forward to that!

Today I did venture out with the alone - to Ian's t-ball class. I think it might be a little soon to take him to crowded public places. Once Jesse felt comfortable with his surroundings he thought it was funny to walk around in circles. Sometimes I'd say "Come back to Mommy" and he'd just keep going. He knows he's Jesse - which is great. Not quite sure he knows yet what Mommy means and that I'm the only one he has. Any suggestions about when this time of attachment might take place - I'm really kinda clueless about it.

Oh - and Andrea, I've updated my profile so you'll find that information there.

Announcement

2007-06-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to post this for a few days - to give the US Postal Services a chance to deliver them into many mailboxes around the country.....but I was just too excited about it. And there are people who read this that I do not have snail mail connections with - therefore I present you with Jesse's homecoming announcements. I worked really hard on these before I left (yes, designed by yours truly) and just plunked in the pictures when we got home. I'm really enjoying making these sorts of things and exercising my design chops again - so, if anyone is in the market for personalized greeting cards of any sort I'll make you a great deal :)

Going well

2007-06-23T19:16:00.000-05:00

We have been home a few days now and things seem to be going really well. I went through a period of regret and sadness about the fact we left Ian at home. He seems to have been well fed and very well spoiled - which of course made me feel like he would have been better with us. My mom says she didn't treat Ian any differently - but I don't really believe her. He also was acting weird because we'd be gone and I know that this is a big transition for him as well - it was just all so much emotionally for me to be home, finally, and then return to a little boy acting so weird. It's getting better all around. Ian is great with Jesse and Jesse really seems to enjoy Ian - we'll see how long this honeymoon period lasts.

There has been some interesting develops since coming home. In Thailand, Jesse was a great sleeper and napper. He'd take his bottle, lay down, and go to sleep - not so much here at home. He's been crying every time we put him in his crib - what I call his baby money cries (his mouth gets really big and his eyes close up and no sound comes out). Before he would snuggle under a blanket now he doesn't want anything to do with blankets.....I know our crib has got to be more comfortable than the hotel one....not really sure what's happening but I'm thinking it's part of the transitioning.

Now I'm dealing with when can I take him out. We are all going a little crazy being couped up in the house. And Jesse really needs a pair of shoes. I know we still need to limit his contact with people but can't I take him to the mall??????? There is no handbook that says when it's okay to start doing these things and I'm just not sure. I know he knows who we are and that we take care of him - but does he know enough to turn to us in public with so many people around to choose from? When is it okay to test?

Well - here's our first official family picture taken right as we greeted family and friends at the airport. The boys are wearing their big brother/little brother shirts. Don't I look lovely after 22 hours on a plane :)

Home Safe and Sound

2007-06-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

Let the new adventure begin. We arrived home this afternoon to a nice little welcome at the airport. It was amazing to see everyone who came out and after getting off the plane, waiting in lines, getting luggage, more lines and finally emerging into the light of the arrivals sections I was completely overwhelmed. Seeing Ian and everyone standing there was heartwarming. My sister took some video and my sister-in-law took some pictures which I'll post when I receive them. It's nice to be home.

Things are about a new kind of adjustment now. Jesse is a little sad and confused (to be expected) and Ian thinks that means he wants to go back to the orphanage. I've been trying to explain he's just scared and soon he will be happy and carefree, too. We also realized (very quickly) that Jesse is DEATHLY afraid of our cat. It occurs to us that perhaps he's never really seen a cat before. The terror on his face was nearly amusing in an "oh my god I've traumatized my child" kind of way.

It's taking Jesse some getting used to - being in a room without us, in a different crib and just different surroundings, so getting to sleep tonight was interesting. Ian was great - he's going to be a great big brother. And here is his two cents: "So Mommy, when Jesse is big like me and you bring home another baby - then we'll both be the big brothers." Jeez, Ian!!!!! Let me get through this one first.

Thanks for all your support and yes I will continue to post - probably not daily though :) It's so nice to be home.

Packing it all up

2007-06-19T08:27:00.000-05:00

Well the time has come for my final post from Bangkok. I can't believe we are finally heading home. In some ways it seems like the time has gone by quickly and in others I feel I've been away forever. I'm just really looking forward to home.

Today we did our last bit of sightseeing at the Jim Thompson House. It was a very unique piece of architecture and filled with so many beautiful things. It's funny because you have these great house preserved with a great garden and now restaurant and store, and right next door is a giant high rise building looming so close you could spit on it (if that were appropriate). Then we went on to find this handicraft shopping area that was mentioned in a previous comment. I had the page dog-eared in our guide book but timing and and illness had prevented me from going sooner. Too bad because it was amazing!!!!! We were short on time today as well but we had a great Thai meal and managed to do a little shopping. Sam saved a lot of money by not taking me there with oodles of time because I could have gotten in some major trouble. I did by a nice jade beaded bracelet though, so not a complete waste of time. After that is was running around returning papers to the TRC and going for the Visa. It's all official and we area ready to head home.

I keep forgetting to mention this funny story about a soi (street) dog. The stray dogs are everywhere and even the ones with owners look ragged and homeless - but anyway, I feel they need to be treated like a possible criminal. No eye contact, keep walking, pretend they don't exist. Many times they sneak attach you and bark from behind a pole - always scarring that pants of me. Well the other night when heading to the tex-mex place we were walking on the sidewalk. It was busy with street vendors, outdoor eateries and such....I was busy looking at this pub just checking it out when Sam said "keep walking past the sleeping dog to the next place" I thought the pub was called The Sleeping Dog - so because my head was in the clouds when I turned to walk I nearly jumped out of my skin to see a huge dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. I know i made an audible gasp and nearly fell over. People must have thought I was crazy and Sam thought it was so funny. So, if I ever decide to open a bar I think I'll have to name it The Sleeping Dog. :)

We've packed up the room, have our taxi on call for 3:30am and are ready to hit the road (so I leave you with a picture of the crazy Bangkok traffic).

Little bits here and there

2007-06-18T05:20:00.000-05:00

Well - I didn't get around posting anything yesterday, so today will be a double post. Not that we have much to write. :) Yesterday was a fun touristy kind of day. After breakfast and morning naps we headed out to lunch and to the Siam World Aquarium. It's located in one of the biggest malls in Bangkok (and one we visited again today but more about that later). We grabbed a quick bite from the food court and away we went to see the sharks and other little fishies. Now, for those of you who know me, you might know that I hate zoos. I really don't like going, although I will, and it's nothing moral or ethical....it's just I don't like zoos. On the other hand I LOVE aquariums. And this one did not disappoint. There were 2 or 3 floors to navigate through ramps and tunnels and tanks that went from one floor to the next. The glass was the cleanest I've ever seen at an aquarium and in some case you'd think you could walk right into the tanks. The shark tunnel was the best -where they swim over your head and all around you. Jesse really seemed to enjoy himself. He liked looking at the pretty fish and thought the crabs and the ugly fish (and boy were there a few ugly ones) weren't too much fun. One of the coolest things we saw was a Chevy sponsored "exhibit" where they made the car into a fish tank. It's not the best picture but it was so cool. It was a good time had by all.

Then back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. We ventured out to a tex-mex place around the corner. Not bad considering how hard it is to find good tex-mex in Illinois, I was impressed.

Today started out slow. We had our appointment at the Embassy at 9:30. There are warnings all over the paper not to be late or else you lose your time and that's the end of it....so we were early. They finally called us to the window around 10:15. Not horrible had we actually arrived on time but since we arrived around 9 it was quite the wait. We were surrounded by Thais trying to get their visas as well (I assume) and a large gaggle of students who we assumed would be off for their exchanges in the Fall. Well - the appointment was painless and we go back tomorrow at 3pm to pick up the actual visa. Then we are free and clear to come home! Yippy!

I've been on the hunt for the perfect souvenir (besides Jesse) to bring home with me. Something I'll have for-always and know it was from this special trip. Yeah, so I'm a little materialist, so what! :) Anyway....we headed to a close by department store to find the air conditioning and escalators not working. We made out lunch arrangements with Eric from Beloit and headed to that mall instead. Which brings me back to the Siam Paragon. The shiniest, most intimidating mall I've ever been to. I'm not talking talking out the Gap and Payless here people - these stores included Jimmy Choo, Burberry, Valentino, Armani, and so many others I hadn't even heard of. Needless to say we just walked around and looked. Although I did find a Jim Thompson store - a silk mogul from back in the day and bought myself a cute little purse. I did find a great pendant in the department store and am now shopping satisfied. :) But seeing all these designers stores and all this "wealth" made me take notice even more that just outside there probably some guy selling grilled chicken on a stick. The way the social classes interact and co-exists has been alarming to me. I don't know enough about the Thai culture to know if the classes really work well side by side or if there's no there way....it's just amazing to see it.

Official tourist

2007-06-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

Well - today we took the steps at being real tourists in Bangkok. We went out on our first adventure at sightseeing and it was great. We even fell prey to the tourist trap of being fleeced for money. We wanted to go to the water taxi but the real taxi driver I guess didn't understand that, so we ended up at the wrong pier. The pier we arrived at was more of chartered boat thing and I"m sure they saw us coming - because these were not fancy boats by any means and we paid far more than the 13 Baht a person you pay for the water taxi. It was still fun - and actually reflecting it gave me a better chance of taking in the atmosphere, because the water taxis can be quite crowded and full. Here's a picture of us all blowing in the wind down the river. So anyway - the boat took us down the river to where the Grand Palace is. This was my one requirement for sightseeing - after starring at my cross-stitch pattern for about 2 years I needed to see the Palace in person. It was amazing. At the dock we were bombarded with locals trying to sell us their goods - so aggressive and following us before taking no for an answer. In the guard book it warns you that locals will try to tell you the Palace it closed, so they can take you someplace in their taxi to spend money and waste time. I didn't believe it - I mean people why would people do that. But sure enough - we had a taxi driver attached to us for nearly a block trying to convince us the Palace was closed until after lunch (it was 10:30am).

The Grand Palace and a beautiful Wat (temple) are combined in one area. You need a ticket to get in but it was a small price to pay to see the beauty of this place close up. The Wat is amazing - the shiny buildings, paintings, statues.....all the craftsmanship that went into this - all those little fingers from years ago. It must be an honor for the Thai people to show it off and it still be so beautiful. I recognized the roof of the Grand Palace immediately from my project and so many of the color choices started to make sense - they roof really is three different colors! :) We walked around and took a million pictures and it was a great morning/afternoon. We managed to find the water taxi for the way home which was nice on the wallet :) And spend a leisure afternoon of reading (while the boys zonked out for long afternoon naps).

Tonight we met up with Eric from Beloit. It was great to meet my email buddy in person and meet his family. We went to a great restaurant and can now feel satisfied we've had real Thai food in Thailand. Boy, am I glad I was feeling better because the food was delicious (and would have been impossible to eat 2 days ago).

A nothing kinda of day

2007-06-15T04:08:00.000-05:00

This morning we woke up at the crack of dawn to be showered, fed, and taxied to our INS meeting by 8am. We were early - they called us in at around 8:20 or so. Go government. It wasn't too bad though - quick and painless (this time around) and we were back in the waiting room by 8:50 or so to wait for the magic paper we needed to present at the Embassy for the visa interview. We received our paper around 9:20 or so and off we went. But of course not to the Embassy - that would have been too easy. They don't make appointments until 2pm. So we went shopping! I got a ton done in this very overwhelming shopping center called MBK. I found a handicrafts store with a very nice girl who helped me out and took several Baht off each thing I bought. I also finally found some silver jewelry - my favorite being a cute little charm bracelet with elephants on it (and a jingle bell). I'm pleased.

So really - after that it was back to the hotel for lunch and what he had hoped was a nap - didn't happen. Jesse was tired but energized from lunch - so he got lots of milk in hopes of him falling asleep and ended up just going with Sam to the Embassy to make the appointment. I was waiting for a phone call at the hotel. Our Visa Interview is Monday morning at 9:30am. If all goes as planned said visa will be ready for pick up on Tuesday.

Other than that I thought I would take this time to write about a few key phrases that have been a part of our trip. This is more for my journaling purposes and so don't feel the need to be entertained or amused :)

1) He/She didn't get the memo.
Def: Noticed tourist either he: with scruffy hair and beard, wearing shorts and weird muscle tank top OR she: with tiny shorts, tiny tank tops, tiny sandals.

2) Long haired boy - just saying.
Def: Hannah has once again noticed a Thai male with long hair.

3) Find your fingers.
Def: Our best efforts in teaching Jesse some self soothing techniques while trying to fall asleep (because he likes to suck on his fingers).

4) I hope it doesn't smell.
Def: Every time we are about to get INSIDE a taxi, we hope that it does not stink the lots and lots of dirty feet (and various other body parts). Believe me, I've gagged a few times when the doors were opened for us to get in.

Anyway - that's about all for my post today. Tomorrow hopefully lots of sightseeing stories to be shared.

Sighs of relief

2007-06-14T05:07:00.000-05:00

Okay - after spending another day holed up in the hotel we have discovered that our wonderful TRC social worker and her staff worked super hard to get USCIS the papers they felt they needed - and tomorrow morning at 8am we have our appointment to get Jesse's immigration approval. It's a huge weight off my shoulders because there was really a moment in her office yesterday I actually had to visualize heading home without Jesse. But....that is not the case! He's fine - he's ours - he's coming home! After our meeting we'll go to the Embassy and set up the Visa interview - which will probably take place on Monday. Hopefully the visa will be ready on Tuesday and we'll still be heading home as scheduled on Wednesday. For those of you planning on seeing us at the airport - we aware there is a slight chance things could change (keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't because my heart is aching for a giant Ian hug and don't want to wait any longer than I have to).

So....I'm feeling better - my body is slowly catching but I feel confident enough to venture out so tomorrow afternoon and this weekend we'll do some sightseeing and some shopping. It sounds like I've done a lot of shopping but we haven't really purchased anything :) Toys, 1 bracelet for me made out of Baht (Thai coins), and a little hand painted container....that's it. I have so much more to buy..... :)

Board meeting and other such things

2007-06-14T02:14:00.000-05:00

Well - yes, yesterday was a rough day for me. But I promised to talk about the board meeting and that I shall do. It was actually really great. We were all dressed up and looking dapper (as seeing in the picture) and we saw the other two families from the US there. Pani and her family we'd met previously and I finally got to meet Eric and Monica and their family. It was nice being in a room full of people who'd all been-there-done-that along with us and were all just excited to finally be at this point in the process. There were maybe about 35 families there (which is one reason this process could take so long, although maybe not everyone showed up as early as us) and I heard they called the younger babies first. We were number 3, which didn't actually mean we went third - because there were three meeting rooms holding board meetings and we were not the first family in our room. But anyway - we only waited about 45 minutes before getting escorted to our room. We waited just a few minutes for being called inside.

The moment of truth - the moment we straightened our backs (and Sam's tie) and held out heads up high. I don't know what I was expecting, something more formal (especially with all the pressure to be wearing Sunday best and with Sam's new look and all) but it was just a board room with 3 ladies sitting on the other side of the table. Nothing special about these ladies. The two older ones (probably in their 50's) did all the talking while the younger one (probably 30's) followed along in her book. They were very pleasant, very easy to understand, and very CASUAL! The leader of the meeting was wearing a plain old t-shirt. It put me at ease a little bit - thinking okay, she can't possibly be judging my outfit now, right? The questions began simply out our trip and our stay - then basic stuff about Jesse and how he's adjusting. Did we think he could hear well? Were we enjoying him? How our other son was doing? There was a strange line of questioning about us coming back for a little girl - I assured them I thought I would be happy with my two boys. Everything went very smoothly with the exception of me having to step on Sam's toe a few times to remind him to say "yes" instead of "yup" or "yea"

The final few exchanges were my favorite:
Meeting Leader (ML): Are you happy with him?
US: yes
ML: Have you changed your mind?
US: no
ML: Would you like to keep him?
US: yes
ML: He's yours!

It was just very pleasant and less than 15 minutes, I think. It couldn't have been much longer than that.

The rest of the day went down from there but we are working on those issues. WACAP back home knows all what's going on and our TRC social worker has already been in contact with the INS worker and faxed over a few documents that will hopefully move things along. We will keep you posted as we hear.

Thanks for all your comments and support - it means the world to us. And for your entertainment I've included a little video of my duet with Jesse.

In the guise of full disclosure

2007-06-13T08:18:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, Sam again. I'm getting pretty common around here, maybe I should get my own account for the blog.

Anyways today was our Adoption board meeting and all went smoothly as can be. I think Hannah may want to expand on that a bit, but really the fear and anxiety we felt over that was largely overblown. It was a real simple affair with three women from the Child Adoption Board. They asked us a few questions about our trip, how Jesse was adjusting, etc.. It was much like the meeting for the homestudy, you expect a lot worse than it really is.

What we really should have feared was the US CIS / Homeland Security. They hold the real keys and are the real gatekeepers in this whole ordeal. If you are in the process or the slightest bit squeamish you may wish to turn away now.

After all Jesse had a father. He had a mother (as so many do). Oops sorry wrong tale. Anyways Jesse's mother had relinquished her rights to the Thai Red Cross, and the father was apparently not in the picture. I had thought that it was a pretty clear case of a single parent who can not support a child. On the I-600 form there is a place to indicate this exact situation. Well apparently that may be our downfall.

Here's where it all gets sticky. Jesse's mother says she can't support him and hands him over to the Thai Red Cross (TRC.) The TRC gives us his referral. We travel to Thailand and meet the DSDW Adoption Board, who gives their approval. We thought we were home free. Well then the USCIS steps in and says wait. Are you sure he is an orphan? Could his mother support him by our standards? Under Thai law do we need to try contacting the birth father if his information is known? Will Jesse be able to become a Listopad? Will Hannah and Sam be able to catch their flight on the 20th of June? Tune in next time same bat time, same bat channel. Oops sorry again ;)

So apparently the CIS officer is going to do some investigating and hopefully give us some more information tomorrow. She seemed optimistic, but with government employees you never can tell what they are really thinking. I think its part of their training program.

What I don't get is that he was relinquished to the TRC, not us. So how can USCIS say no, she really could support him if she wanted to, which is their way of trying to stop baby buying? Its not like she relinquished rights to us, she didn't even know we existed. Another twist in the whole thing is that she may be supporting her first born son still. So I am not sure how that is going to come into the USCIS' determinations.

So hopefully tomorrow we will learn more, though it means we will probably be holding close to the hotel all day in order to see if we need to do anything or not.

And getting back to the title, I wonder if I had just checked the box "no parents" would all this have been glossed over?

PS If you are going to be around Ian, please don't discuss this in too much detail. If an unfavorable decision comes down we will talk to him then, until then I don't want him worrying about his brother not coming home.

Morning

2007-06-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

Well it's nearly 6am on Board meeting day and I didn't sleep very well at all. I kept getting up for 1) to go to the bathroom or 2) because of weird dreams in which people were telling us the wrong places to go for the meeting.

Anyway - I'm starting to feel better which means a little more energy and a clear head. We'll see how today goes with the running around and such.

Yesterday we ventured out to find a toy store - although the newest edition of our Bangkok travel guide led us to the 5th floor of huge shopping complex...it was not there. Luckily, it hadn't moved far and we walked through three connected buildings, and a small courtyard to another use shopping building to the giant department store inside there. Any which way, we found the toy section and scored for Ian - he's been wanting the Plan City Log Truck for a long time and since our store at home hasn't been carrying it...and they are made in Bangkok our hopes were high. And we found it. We are now heroes to our 4 year old.

Before he headed out for the adventure, it was nap time and I think it's safe to say Jesse has gotten used to all the personal attention. The first few days he took his milk and went right to sleep in his crib...not so much the last few days :) But when this is his preferred place of rest, how can you get mad? It's safe to say he's mine - all mine.

We are still here

2007-06-12T10:20:00.000-05:00

Just to let you all know we are still here. Hannah still isn't 100% so I am just putting this in as a space filler to say we are still alive, Jess is still here.

I think Hannah wanted to blog about today so I won't, but tomorrow is the big day in all of this, Board meeting, Visa interviews. So we need to get our sleep (especially Hannah) and will probably blog a lot tomorrow.

Good night and wish us luck. ;)