What's wrong with me?
Man - I thought these feelings were over once we put the intertility treatments behind us. I went through two years of my life wondering why I was being punished, why I was broken, why I was not being granted that pregnancy so many received without wanting it. Once Ian was born and I knew there would not be another day of treatments in my life, I thought all those emotions would be behind me. But they are not.
My "friend" (I don't really know her that well) is in China probably holding her daughter as I write this. Holding her and feeling happy and proud and finally finishing her infertility journey. And I'm sitting here, hating her, jealous, and envious, and wanting to be her - all those feelings I'd have when I'd see a pregnant woman. She and her husband deserve this - their journey longer and harder than I can imagine and now they have success. But that doesn't keep me from wanting to scream and cry and shout to the heaven's "Why not me!!!!!!"
The adoption journey was suppose to be one of hope - joy - ease. Knowing all along that there will be a child at the end. Something never thought about during treatments. But my end seems a lifetime away. I feel we jumped the gun - perhaps getting so excited. How can I handle the next year of people asking me about Thailand, knowing it's still so far away. How can I handle it when people forget because no news has come for so long. We still do not have our pre-approval status. The real waiting has not even begun.
I've been feeling broken again lately. Feeling like even now, if only I could do this on my own. I do believe adoption is the right choice for us - no doubts, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to choose. Sometimes I wish it was as easy as just getting pregnant. I've been thinking about what if we didn't go with Thailand - what if we changed directions and started looking into domestic.....what if I have chosen wrong and my child will never know me or be loved by me? Why was I so closed off to that idea of South America? If the wait was going to be this long, should we have just waited until we were old enough to do a China program?
Usually I can take a deep breath and move on - clear my head and find my happy place. But the past few days it's been hard. We attended an adoption conference over the weekend. It was suppose to be empowering and uplifting and actually I found myself a little depressed - knowing that we could attend 2 more of these and still be in the same place we are now - watching all these people around us build their families.
I hope I don't feel this way for long. I don't want to be broken, I don't want to be jealous and spiteful. I don't want to go through another time period in my life that I wish I could wish away. I feel like I think about this all the time, I feel Sam doesn't think about it at all, and I feel like our families just don't get it. I feel very alone even though I'm surrounded by people in the same situation who I know support us. I feel broken and I still can't figure out why me.
My "friend" (I don't really know her that well) is in China probably holding her daughter as I write this. Holding her and feeling happy and proud and finally finishing her infertility journey. And I'm sitting here, hating her, jealous, and envious, and wanting to be her - all those feelings I'd have when I'd see a pregnant woman. She and her husband deserve this - their journey longer and harder than I can imagine and now they have success. But that doesn't keep me from wanting to scream and cry and shout to the heaven's "Why not me!!!!!!"
The adoption journey was suppose to be one of hope - joy - ease. Knowing all along that there will be a child at the end. Something never thought about during treatments. But my end seems a lifetime away. I feel we jumped the gun - perhaps getting so excited. How can I handle the next year of people asking me about Thailand, knowing it's still so far away. How can I handle it when people forget because no news has come for so long. We still do not have our pre-approval status. The real waiting has not even begun.
I've been feeling broken again lately. Feeling like even now, if only I could do this on my own. I do believe adoption is the right choice for us - no doubts, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to choose. Sometimes I wish it was as easy as just getting pregnant. I've been thinking about what if we didn't go with Thailand - what if we changed directions and started looking into domestic.....what if I have chosen wrong and my child will never know me or be loved by me? Why was I so closed off to that idea of South America? If the wait was going to be this long, should we have just waited until we were old enough to do a China program?
Usually I can take a deep breath and move on - clear my head and find my happy place. But the past few days it's been hard. We attended an adoption conference over the weekend. It was suppose to be empowering and uplifting and actually I found myself a little depressed - knowing that we could attend 2 more of these and still be in the same place we are now - watching all these people around us build their families.
I hope I don't feel this way for long. I don't want to be broken, I don't want to be jealous and spiteful. I don't want to go through another time period in my life that I wish I could wish away. I feel like I think about this all the time, I feel Sam doesn't think about it at all, and I feel like our families just don't get it. I feel very alone even though I'm surrounded by people in the same situation who I know support us. I feel broken and I still can't figure out why me.
posted by Hannah | 10:31 PM
2 Comments:
Hon, I don't know anyone in the world making a decision like this - one that will change her life and the life of her family - without going through some of the emotional roller coaster that you are going through.
Look at it this way - if you weren't feeling bad on some days and excited on others, you probably wouldn't be feeling anything at all. That's not the type of parent that any kid should have, regardless of how he or she comes to that family.
As long as I've known you, you do nothing by accident and take no serious decisions lightly. Have the kind of faith in yourself and your decision that I have in you, and you'll be fine. At least for a few minutes. :)
Love you.
Jenny
love you Jen!
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