Starting off the New Year

I've been meaning to post for awhile now but it's hard to sit down and just do it. Especially with the things that have been on my mind lately. Sometimes it seems better to just ignore your thoughts and push through the day.

The year started off with the news of a friend losing her husband. Attending a funeral is hard enough, attending one of a 52 year old father of 2 is worse. And the fact that he went from healthy to sick to gone in a matter of weeks makes the whole thing so wrong. I never really knew this man. I'd seen him in passing, dropping off his wife for group lunches and what not. A wave here or there - nothing more. I do know his wife and his sons, and I adore them. There is no one in this world that deserves this less. But you can't sit through a service like that and not reflect on your own life and loved ones.

What would it be like for my sons to sit through a service like that? What would it be like for me to have to say good-bye to my husband? Especially so many years before it was suppose to happen. What if they had to say good-bye to me? And of course the worse case, who would raise my boys if something were to happen to both of us? I hate the idea of someone else taking care of my children. Someone else deciding if their behavior deserves praise or punishment. Would another person give Jesse enough kisses? Let Ian keep his hair long?

I've never been comfortable with death - mine or anyone else's. I just hate the idea of going on as usual when a piece if missing. I know people who have passed away. I know people who living without a very dear love one.....but it doesn't make it sit any better with me. Is there any way to get over it?

I don't really have any major revelations about the subject. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.

Happy Holidays

Wow - has it been that long?

I know I've been very neglectful of my blog but I hadn't realized it had been that long. I think about posting and think about things to share with the bloggisphere but it never seems to get done. There is swim practice to drive to, homework, TV to watch, books to read....I'd say house to clean but I think you know me better than that :) Anyway - it's been a busy few months.

Ian is full blown in the swim season. He's been doing great at his meets and getting better at his strokes. His coach and I feel he's a championship butterflier waiting to hatch. He's still getting down the coordination of the stroke but he's upper body strength shows much promise. He's also a great backstroker, as long as he doesn't slow down near the wall :) Ian is also doing great in the first grade.

Jesse is also doing well. He's finally marching into school with his head held high and no longer needing to be handed off to the teacher. He's still very serious in class and sticks close to his one friend, Daniella, but his teachers adore him so what more could I ask for?

It's actually once again Jesse that has driven me to post. Not really him specifically but an issue dealing with his adoption. Around this time every year I write a letter to his birthmother. Not really a holiday type thing, but I want to make sure there is something new in his folder in time for his birthday, just in case. This year I'm having a hard time getting started. Before, it was very easy for me to share him with her - let her in and treat her as an insider. But this year I feel very possessive of him. I don't want to share him. I know that sounds silly because it would be amazing to know her and for him to know her, but I all of a sudden don't want to be to inviting. It makes no sense.

It really has been an amazing year. The boys have grown so much and become even closer as brothers. It's such an honor to be their mom and watch them grow. It's fun to imagine the men they are going to be.

The end of an era

And I thought last year was bad.....

Tomorrow Ian will start 1st grade. I can't believe he's old enough to be a big kid, staying in school all day, hanging out on the playground, and eating hot lunch. I know people who have kids starting high school.....what the hell is that like? I don't even want to think about it. It's hard to imagine I will no longer be the one person who sees Ian for most of his day. Now his teacher will see him more than me - she will be his great influence..... :(

I will no longer have quiet afternoons, while Jesse is sleeping, listening to Ian play with his legos or reading books to him on the couch. We will no longer have those alone moments when I still look into his eyes and see my baby - and he sees me as the one to protect him. I knew the transition would hard on Jesse - he always wants to be by Ian's side. But I didn't realize how much this was going to effect me. Will parenting be as much fun? Am I going to lose my connection?

I can't believe how much I'm going to miss him. The house will seem so quiet with just me and Jesse. I hate losing control - not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen.

The thing is I know what's happening. My baby is growing into a boy who will one day turn into a man......

The favorite child

I was sitting across from the lunch table looking at my two boys as they devoured their french fires and eyed the large playing apparatus next to them. And I just smiled. It's not that they were being quiet or that they were being good - it's not that we were enjoying a lunch out, just the 3 of us....it was that I figured out that favorite child thing.

It's not that I like one of my boys more than the other. It's not that I would rescue one over the other....it's that the core of my love from them is completely different therefore giving me completely different emotions when I look at each. So it's not that one is my favorite - but there is a definite difference in the way I feel about them - although both ending with extreme love and devotion.

I look at Ian and can't believe I did that. He's cute, friendly, smart, whiny, athletic, polite....a real human being. One that started out so small and he exists because of me. He's a pure mix of me and Sam....the wonderment of it all still amazes me (although how to create a baby is long behind me!). I understand the fundamentals of baby-making but to see it grow and thrive and continue....it's pure magic.

I look at Jesse and can't believe he gets to be mine. For forever, I get to claim this kid as my son - my family! He's funny, smart, cute, strong, and over all amazing. Somewhere in the world something brought us together - thousands of miles from start to finish and this little man was placed in MY arms! How does that happen?! It too is magic.

My heart was filled with love and pride as I sat and watched those mouths stuffed with french fries. These are my guys! It was a really good mom moment.

Broken record

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but...once again I was reminded how lucky we are to have the Thai Red Cross as part of Jesse's adoption story. And how grateful we are to his birth mother for having a plan and being so caring and thoughtful.

The other day at the park I got into a conversation about how my friend thinks Ian looks like Sam. I don't see it a obviously as some genetic offspring that I know - sometimes the child looks like a photocopy of their parent. I've always thought Ian was a good mix and just looked like Ian. I noticed Jesse getting a little squirrelly when the conversation branched off to other friends of ours. I just looked at him and said "And who does Jesse look like?". There was a slight pause, since this hasn't come up in awhile, but after some guidance he said his birth mother's name. A little light went off in his head and all of sudden we was part of the conversation. So many adoptees don't have information much less pictures of their birth families. It's amazing to be able to include him and reassure him he didn't drop from the sky...he has a history and a lineage that is genetically related to him.

I saw a good movie over the weekend with some girlfriends....Julie&Julia. It's about a blogger who cooks her way through Julia Childs' cookbook. It also told the story of how Julia Child became the chef she was. It was a great story and very entertaining. I couldn't help but think about all those people who followed my blog and were out there in cyberspace who have now become my friends. I don't think anyone will be making a movie out of this old blog of mine, but I think I served a good purpose by telling my story and helping others navigate through theirs. My aunt thinks it would make a good book....we'll see :)

Hello my friend

Hello my blog, my old buddy. I've been very neglectful. Mostly because I'm always so aware of what I write on here will be read by other people. When things get bad or something is going on inside my head, I think about writing it down....but then I get self conscious. A friend, I'll call her Swifty, has the most amazing blog. She pours out her feelings and her emotions for everyone to see. It's an honor to read it. So, why can't I do it?

I think it's because I'm afraid of a few things. Afraid of hurting someone's feelings...afraid of admitting I'm selfish and possible immature....afraid of being judged.

So while I grappled with the idea of getting more personal on this thing - I will fill everyone in on other stuff.

This Summer has been hard. I got very used to having some alone time during the week when the kids were in school and to have that taken away was an adjustment. I was hoping to pick up some hours at the Y doing office work, but that never happened - so cash flow has been a bit stressful since I have been unsuccessful in curbing some of my spending habits. I'm still thinking about venturing out in the real world and looking for work, but I enjoy the Y. I like the people and the benefits - I'm just trying to figure out where I may fit in now. So far there have been no plans made for Fall hours - so everything is up in the air still. The other problem with venturing out is child care. I don't think people are very open to hiring someone who is available from 9:30-noon on Tues and Thurs. :P

I had a very nice meeting with a wedding planner who seemed really excited about my personalized greeting cards. So far nothing. I know they are not the cup-of-tea for everyone but I think I could make some cute shower invites or save-the-date cards.....any one interested? I'll give you a good deal! So, do I try to market on my own and really start this thing? How do I get started? Would people be interested? I did order some business cards, design a logo, and set up a price list......it was a really fun week thinking that all this was about to take off. Feels kinda silly now.

Ian and I are butting heads. I want to teach him and guide him through life. He thinks he knows all there is to know. He's constantly talking back, not listening to instructions, and being plain snotty! I'm getting worn very thin which makes me crabby and snappy and we end up going in circles! It's no fun at all. He's growing up so fast and I know there will soon be a time he won't listen to me at ALL - I was just hoping it wouldn't be as early as 6 years old!

It hasn't been all bad. Ian joined the Y swim team and competed all summer. He's got a scrapbook full of ribbons already and really loves it. He's made friends (some good some bad) and is looking forward to swimming in the Fall/Winter/Spring season as well. It's a big commitment with practices but I think it's really good for him. He's so much more proud of himself now than he was during his soccer seasons. He can see the results and even if he doesn't win the race - he may still have beaten his old times which makes him happy.

Jesse is a character. He loves to listen to books and both boys completed the library's summer reading program. He found out today he gets to meet his favorite author, Todd Parr, at a mall in a few weeks. We love Todd books and he was beaming from ear to ear with the idea of getting his autograph.

I find myself getting lonely at night. I want to call up some friends and go to dinner or to the mall. But I feel I don't have anyone to call. I feel like I'm the only one who NEEDS to escape and all the other people in the world are holding on just fine. Sometimes I think I'm about to fall off!

After spilling my guts (or most of them) I feel I should give you something cute and fuzzy to hold onto....so here are my children :) with my niece and nephew during out visit in Ohio.