The end of an era

And I thought last year was bad.....

Tomorrow Ian will start 1st grade. I can't believe he's old enough to be a big kid, staying in school all day, hanging out on the playground, and eating hot lunch. I know people who have kids starting high school.....what the hell is that like? I don't even want to think about it. It's hard to imagine I will no longer be the one person who sees Ian for most of his day. Now his teacher will see him more than me - she will be his great influence..... :(

I will no longer have quiet afternoons, while Jesse is sleeping, listening to Ian play with his legos or reading books to him on the couch. We will no longer have those alone moments when I still look into his eyes and see my baby - and he sees me as the one to protect him. I knew the transition would hard on Jesse - he always wants to be by Ian's side. But I didn't realize how much this was going to effect me. Will parenting be as much fun? Am I going to lose my connection?

I can't believe how much I'm going to miss him. The house will seem so quiet with just me and Jesse. I hate losing control - not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen.

The thing is I know what's happening. My baby is growing into a boy who will one day turn into a man......

The favorite child

I was sitting across from the lunch table looking at my two boys as they devoured their french fires and eyed the large playing apparatus next to them. And I just smiled. It's not that they were being quiet or that they were being good - it's not that we were enjoying a lunch out, just the 3 of us....it was that I figured out that favorite child thing.

It's not that I like one of my boys more than the other. It's not that I would rescue one over the other....it's that the core of my love from them is completely different therefore giving me completely different emotions when I look at each. So it's not that one is my favorite - but there is a definite difference in the way I feel about them - although both ending with extreme love and devotion.

I look at Ian and can't believe I did that. He's cute, friendly, smart, whiny, athletic, polite....a real human being. One that started out so small and he exists because of me. He's a pure mix of me and Sam....the wonderment of it all still amazes me (although how to create a baby is long behind me!). I understand the fundamentals of baby-making but to see it grow and thrive and continue....it's pure magic.

I look at Jesse and can't believe he gets to be mine. For forever, I get to claim this kid as my son - my family! He's funny, smart, cute, strong, and over all amazing. Somewhere in the world something brought us together - thousands of miles from start to finish and this little man was placed in MY arms! How does that happen?! It too is magic.

My heart was filled with love and pride as I sat and watched those mouths stuffed with french fries. These are my guys! It was a really good mom moment.

Broken record

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but...once again I was reminded how lucky we are to have the Thai Red Cross as part of Jesse's adoption story. And how grateful we are to his birth mother for having a plan and being so caring and thoughtful.

The other day at the park I got into a conversation about how my friend thinks Ian looks like Sam. I don't see it a obviously as some genetic offspring that I know - sometimes the child looks like a photocopy of their parent. I've always thought Ian was a good mix and just looked like Ian. I noticed Jesse getting a little squirrelly when the conversation branched off to other friends of ours. I just looked at him and said "And who does Jesse look like?". There was a slight pause, since this hasn't come up in awhile, but after some guidance he said his birth mother's name. A little light went off in his head and all of sudden we was part of the conversation. So many adoptees don't have information much less pictures of their birth families. It's amazing to be able to include him and reassure him he didn't drop from the sky...he has a history and a lineage that is genetically related to him.

I saw a good movie over the weekend with some girlfriends....Julie&Julia. It's about a blogger who cooks her way through Julia Childs' cookbook. It also told the story of how Julia Child became the chef she was. It was a great story and very entertaining. I couldn't help but think about all those people who followed my blog and were out there in cyberspace who have now become my friends. I don't think anyone will be making a movie out of this old blog of mine, but I think I served a good purpose by telling my story and helping others navigate through theirs. My aunt thinks it would make a good book....we'll see :)