Happy Birthday Jesse!

Today Jesse turned 5! Hard to believe! He was a little under the weather today and I'm hoping that's why he didn't seem very excited about his birthday. As the day went on, he just didn't seem to care that it was his special day, so I started to think....maybe I can't inspire that in him.

I mean, I wasn't there the day he was born...I wasn't aware of him on the day he was born....I don't have a story about the day he was born....maybe he can sense all that? Maybe he feels the difference between his gotacha day celebrations and his birthday celebrations. Maybe he knows that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I love him, I have no real connection to the day he was born. I celebrate it with love and enthusiasm....but with no real connection. Am I ruining his birthday forever? Will he never feel it's a great special day? Is this just his personality - the same thing the keeps him from getting attached to any one particular toy, sport, blanket, shirt..... I mean I'd be really worried if he wasn't so bonded to us, so I know there are no issues there. But it's just stuff....he doesn't seem to treasure anything in particular - including his birthday.

Now he is not learning this by example. I happen to think my birthday is one of the best days ever - not only does it have a nice ring to the date, but also I have a purple birthstone, a cool zodiac sign, and I was born the year of the Dragon! I celebrate with gusto every year and take in all the birthday wishes (thank you Facebook for making it even more awesome)! What can I say - I like being alive and I love my birthday. Jesse...not so much. Don't most kids love their birthdays?

Anyway - today I celebrated the best way I knew how. I told him how special he is, how much I love him and how grateful I am that he was born. I showered him with hugs and kisses (as many as he would grant me) and let him eat Red Velvet cake for breakfast. We didn't talk too much about his birthmom but I thought of her often and hope that 5 years later she is able to celebrate today as well.

Deep inside

This entry comes from a place in my heart I never thought I would achieve. Over the past several years of my life, I have entertained many emotions regarding my self worth. Measuring my abilities against those around me, primarily my ability to have children. I have gone through many stages of feeling broken. The sadness of not being able to easily get pregnant. The frustration of not being able to choose my family building methods. The self-loathing of knowing that from this "condition" I have the most wonderful two boys - so shut up already, right?!?!?!? Wrong. These thoughts circled in my head long after Jesse came home.

I know my family is complete but I often wonder if that was choice made from necessity. Did I tell myself that because I knew this was it - there were no other choices or options in my future. I may have - in the beginning. But after a rash of baby births recently and the unexpected pregnancy announcement from an acquaintance....I realized I no longer feel broken or empty or frustrated. Do I adore babies - yes! Would I have loved to have created my family without stress or sadness - yes! Do I realize how wonderful of a family I have - yes! And most of, I no longer feel like I'm missing something - inside or out. I am actually able to be excited for my friends (nearly family) who are welcoming these babies without one hint of envy or sadness. I think I told myself I was at this place before - but until this recent woman told me I don't think I actually realized how "fixed" I am. My first thought when she told me was NOT jealousy - it did not feel like a punch in the gut - I was really happy! Because babies make me happy. Simple as that.

I think I can officially say I have come out of this long journey and although I am who I am today because of it....it is no longer who I am today.