Deep inside

This entry comes from a place in my heart I never thought I would achieve. Over the past several years of my life, I have entertained many emotions regarding my self worth. Measuring my abilities against those around me, primarily my ability to have children. I have gone through many stages of feeling broken. The sadness of not being able to easily get pregnant. The frustration of not being able to choose my family building methods. The self-loathing of knowing that from this "condition" I have the most wonderful two boys - so shut up already, right?!?!?!? Wrong. These thoughts circled in my head long after Jesse came home.

I know my family is complete but I often wonder if that was choice made from necessity. Did I tell myself that because I knew this was it - there were no other choices or options in my future. I may have - in the beginning. But after a rash of baby births recently and the unexpected pregnancy announcement from an acquaintance....I realized I no longer feel broken or empty or frustrated. Do I adore babies - yes! Would I have loved to have created my family without stress or sadness - yes! Do I realize how wonderful of a family I have - yes! And most of, I no longer feel like I'm missing something - inside or out. I am actually able to be excited for my friends (nearly family) who are welcoming these babies without one hint of envy or sadness. I think I told myself I was at this place before - but until this recent woman told me I don't think I actually realized how "fixed" I am. My first thought when she told me was NOT jealousy - it did not feel like a punch in the gut - I was really happy! Because babies make me happy. Simple as that.

I think I can officially say I have come out of this long journey and although I am who I am today because of it....it is no longer who I am today.