Paperwork - a go

It's official, the paperwork has been pulled out the filling out has begun. We are working on all the minor fill in the blanks and also starting to compose our paragraphs of intend, our essays, and ask people about being our references.

In addition to that getting underway, we are in the final phases of the home renovations. Last weekend we worked on the dining room (just have some trim work to do). This weekend, we'll be working on the living room. After that all that's left is the kitchen (which is by no means a single day or weekend project) but after learning some more about the homestudy process we are not nearly as anxious about getting this done before we file the papers. By the Spring everything will be done! It'll be like having a whole new house without having to have moved. Too bad we couldn't paint on a second floor or an extra room. :)

Another great meeting

Last night we attended another pre-adoption support group meeting and once again it was great. I remember the last infertility support group meeting I attended, the one where I had to announce that I was pregnant. I was scared and nervous and not really wanting to share my news. I didn't want to see the looks for envy and discust in people's faces - people who'd been going through the same thing as us but were not as lucky. But that's not what happens with this adoption group. Last night a woman announced they had a match with a birthmother and within the next two weeks could be parents. You should have seen the looks on people's faces - the happiness and joy. Everyone was laughing and talking nervously about the anticipated arrival. Of course, nothing is certain until it's for certain, so there is still an air of caution but it's so different. I never felt the right or desire to celebrate my pregnancy, but this process so completely different. I have some really wonderful feelings and emtions going on right now that "normal" expentant mothers probably feel (that I never did). We are still very early in the process, but it seems like we are so much closer than when we were going through treatments.

Defending our decision

I'm not sure I want to start this post - since it's rather late, but I've been deciding whether to write about this all day, so I think I just need to get it out. Yesturday, we visited with a close family friend from out of the country. I won't say too much because this really isn't about her, but she's from a place where adoption is slim to rare because the government helps young mothers out and people just aren't placing babies. It must be a hard concept to grasp when it's not very common, and I understand that, but for the first time I was really forced to defend our decision. Honestly - I'm not sure how I did. It seemed foreign to her that I wouldn't want to at least try and get pregnant again, even after explaining about the insurance issues (no coverage), the not really stable issues (the way my body reacted to treatments the first time around), and the horrible pregnancy issues. I decided not to go into the medical issues I have now because by that point I'm afraid I was becoming a little defensive.

Is it a problem that I was not able to come up with some brilliant rhetoric about why adoption was right for us? Some answer that made everything clear in her head and made the lightbulb burn brightly for all the world to see? Why couldn't I? Was there something wrong with the reasons I did give? Are they not good enough reasons?

It was my first taste at what it will probably be like from the moment that Asian baby becomes ours. All the people in our future who we'll see at the mall or the movies or at school functions....all the questions that are yet to be asked. What if I can't answer those either?

I know adoption is the right choice for us, I feel it with ever fiber of my being and have dreamed about it for as long as I can remember. It must be right. But how do I explain that? Should I have to?

I wonder about all the infertal people in our friend's country - how painful it must be for them. I wonder if they have support networks and international adoption like we do. What are their choices?

The little things

I don't ever really consider myself an obsessive person, but perhaps I am and always have been. Maybe that's why I've always been so good at busy work, never minded math homework, and seem to focus on all the little details. I've been planning and replanning Ian's second birthday party and in the process discovered one of the coolest things ever. Ian loves Fisher-Price Little People (which happens to be the theme for his party) and I enjoy buying him Little People because they are toys that'll last for years - anyway..... I received a phone call from a friend about some cool new stuff online at Fisher-Price and that's where I discovered a new Little People set called Families in Your Neighborhood. There is a white family, a black one, a Hispanic one, and most importantly an Asian one. The Asian family comes with a little baby in a basket! I couldn't believe how perfect it was. I've decided to ceremoniously present Ian with this little plastic baby when hear our application has been accepted by the adoption agency. I know it'll mean nothing to him, and he probably won't even notice the baby looks different from his other Little People, but in 10 years maybe it'll mean something to him. Or I can hope. Like I said, perhaps I am obsessive (and a little crazy).

Great book

I'm reading this fabulous book called "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" by Jana Wolff. It's such an honest look at adoption full of those secret thoughts that most of us are ashamed of thinking and push out of our heads as soon as we have them. It's nice to know others out there are/were afraid of not bonding or loving the child they are placed with.

I myself have had thoughts about being the mother of an asian child. Will we bond? Will Ian and his new sibling bond? Can an Asian teenage really look at me and respect me as their mother? Can I raise a baby from Buddist Thailand as a Jewish "American"? Silly thoughts but I have them, and in reading this book I've learned everyone has similiar thoughts, whether they are ready to admit it or not.