Still pondering
I know I've made a few posts regarding my own personal development and I'm sure you are sick of reading about it...but I have some bad news...I think I'm going to start using this blog to help me sort through what's in my head. I'm also going to start a written journal again (because I even I know not everything needs to end up in the blogesphere). So, some future entries won't have much to do with the kids. (But just so you know, they are both doing great and really excited warm weather has finally arrived).
I few things going through my head. I'm having issues figuring out where I fit in. For the majority of my life I've belonged to a club/organization. I've had meetings, events, and things in my life that meant a lot to me. Everything from newspaper staff in high school, choir in college, onto RESOLVE and the pre-adoption support group. Recently I've felt like I don't really belong to anything. I've attended ever PTC (parent-teacher council) meeting for this school year and still don't have a committee or event I belong to. There just doesn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I used to think I belonged at work. I was a part of the process and the community....but I would say that is no longer true. It's become very clear lately that I'm just to come in and do my job and leave. No extra help, or opinions needed and no insider information will be shared. Half the time I don't even know what's going on.
So this leads me to....where do I go from here? To they have support groups for people who have lost their purposes? I bought a new netbook because I thought it would help me start writing again. Remembering that writing was a big part of who I used to be when I felt like I belonged. But the more I start thinking about starting to write....the more I think I don't have any stories left in me. What if I can't do it anymore? Especially since I'm reading this great book and every time I finish a section I feel less competent than I did before I started.
Now on the work level....I've been thinking about applying for a job in retail. In more recent years I have gotten very into fashion, jewelry, and such. Not like knowing designers and following this seasons collections...but enjoying putting outfits together...and I do have a sickness when it comes to purses and jewelry. But with the kids it's hard to imagine me fitting into a managers schedule. Especially if my primary baby-sitter takes off for a month over the summer.
I have hobbies...I miss singing in a choir (but don't want to join a church group and I'm not sure I'm good enough to audition for anything), I enjoy making jewelry - but that is usually done alone in my living room. I'm still designing photo greetings, but it's not a business or anything.
I'm taking some personal time at the end of this month. I don't know what I'm going to accomplish during it, except I will have no one to take care of during my time away. It has recently occurred to me that I'm far more selfish than I ever thought I was......does that make me a bad mother? human being? Maybe what I thought I was cut out for has been wrong all along.
So here I am, kinda lost. But I don't know how to start being found.
I few things going through my head. I'm having issues figuring out where I fit in. For the majority of my life I've belonged to a club/organization. I've had meetings, events, and things in my life that meant a lot to me. Everything from newspaper staff in high school, choir in college, onto RESOLVE and the pre-adoption support group. Recently I've felt like I don't really belong to anything. I've attended ever PTC (parent-teacher council) meeting for this school year and still don't have a committee or event I belong to. There just doesn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I used to think I belonged at work. I was a part of the process and the community....but I would say that is no longer true. It's become very clear lately that I'm just to come in and do my job and leave. No extra help, or opinions needed and no insider information will be shared. Half the time I don't even know what's going on.
So this leads me to....where do I go from here? To they have support groups for people who have lost their purposes? I bought a new netbook because I thought it would help me start writing again. Remembering that writing was a big part of who I used to be when I felt like I belonged. But the more I start thinking about starting to write....the more I think I don't have any stories left in me. What if I can't do it anymore? Especially since I'm reading this great book and every time I finish a section I feel less competent than I did before I started.
Now on the work level....I've been thinking about applying for a job in retail. In more recent years I have gotten very into fashion, jewelry, and such. Not like knowing designers and following this seasons collections...but enjoying putting outfits together...and I do have a sickness when it comes to purses and jewelry. But with the kids it's hard to imagine me fitting into a managers schedule. Especially if my primary baby-sitter takes off for a month over the summer.
I have hobbies...I miss singing in a choir (but don't want to join a church group and I'm not sure I'm good enough to audition for anything), I enjoy making jewelry - but that is usually done alone in my living room. I'm still designing photo greetings, but it's not a business or anything.
I'm taking some personal time at the end of this month. I don't know what I'm going to accomplish during it, except I will have no one to take care of during my time away. It has recently occurred to me that I'm far more selfish than I ever thought I was......does that make me a bad mother? human being? Maybe what I thought I was cut out for has been wrong all along.
So here I am, kinda lost. But I don't know how to start being found.
posted by Hannah | 5:05 PM
5 Comments:
Hannah,
I'm praying that you'll find your purpose. Your words made me think of the hymn, "Amazing Grace". "I once was lost but now am found." That's been true in my life. It's only through God's grace that I have found any purpose and meaning. He loves you, too!
Hannah,
you have a purpose. Its to remind me about all the mistakes I have made and continue to make. You are no more selfish then me. Sometimes I think I am a bad parent too. Yet I still wonder what if. Don't fret. You will find the perfect job for you.
And whats this about not taking care of anyone while your here. Do you think AS won't need you.
Remember I love you. If it wasn't for you I would never need to question my life.
Hi, Hannah - Write! Dream! Create! Try something new or do something you always wanted to! Take a cool art class or study something you always wanted to! And have the faith that you can do it! You will find your way!
I think we all go through this. Call it an "Oh God, I'm an adult!" crisis. Why not try writing stories for the boys? My dad did that, and did some really cute ones. That at least gets you writing. Then move on from there.
It's not bad news that you are going to share what is inside your head with us - it'll be interesting ;) Just kidding!
Blogging my thoughts has helped me tremendously in the past. I've frozen on that lately though, too scared to write honestly sometimes.
I think what you describe is pretty common in woman, especially mothers too. I know I've often wondered where exactly I fit in. You 've got some great supporters here on this blog so use us as your support. I really like Jen's idea to try something fun and totally different.
I don't think I'm much help other than cheering you on to do/try whatever you are dreaming of or wondering about.
Love, Andrea. xo
Post a Comment
<< Home