Advice needed
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and decided I need some input. I don't know if there are still many people reading this - but if you're out there and have some ideas to help, I would love some advice.
We are very lucky to have a lot of information on Jesse's birth family. We have pictures of his birthmother and regularly have conversations about her. That seems to be the easy part. For now, in his 2 year old understanding he's got the information down....and as he gets older we'll add more and more information. However, Jesse also has a birth brother that I have not mentioned to him yet. It seems more of a slippery slope to go down especially since he already understand the concept of brother (having Ian). How do I explain that he has a birth brother in Thailand that lives with his birth mother....without him getting overly confused or sad. We have a picture of his b.brother but soon Jesse will be older than his brother is in the picture. So I haven't shown that to him yet either.
I don't want to wait too long because I don't want it to be a surprise one day - like a brother drops from the sky that he's never heard of before. Any advice on how to start this conversation and introduce this information into Jesse (and Ian's) life? thanks.
We are very lucky to have a lot of information on Jesse's birth family. We have pictures of his birthmother and regularly have conversations about her. That seems to be the easy part. For now, in his 2 year old understanding he's got the information down....and as he gets older we'll add more and more information. However, Jesse also has a birth brother that I have not mentioned to him yet. It seems more of a slippery slope to go down especially since he already understand the concept of brother (having Ian). How do I explain that he has a birth brother in Thailand that lives with his birth mother....without him getting overly confused or sad. We have a picture of his b.brother but soon Jesse will be older than his brother is in the picture. So I haven't shown that to him yet either.
I don't want to wait too long because I don't want it to be a surprise one day - like a brother drops from the sky that he's never heard of before. Any advice on how to start this conversation and introduce this information into Jesse (and Ian's) life? thanks.
posted by Hannah | 10:53 AM
8 Comments:
I may not really know how - but I may provide you with someone I know who as an adult adoptee might help you out - if you want...
Hirally
Hi,
I am a regular visitor to your blog. I learned about it on the Thai adopt yahoo group. We brought our twins home from Thailand in Nov. '06. They were 19 mos old. We know from their birth certificate that their birth mother had 1 child prior to their birth. My husband and I just can't seem to find a way to explain it to a 3 1/2 year old. We also don't want to wait so long that it comes as a complete shock. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Christy
I have a single parent co-worker with a 7 year old who hasn't told her daughter that her dad has 2 other kids (so the girl has 2 siblings she knows nothing of). The dad lives in the same city and one of the other kids is only 1 month apart in age. I cringe when I think of the girl's reaction if my friend waits until she's a teenager to share this information. And actually, she only just shared the existence of the girl's father with her a year ago. She'd always told her daughter, "you don't have a dad - you just have your grandma and me". I talked a lot with her about the things we've learned in adoption education and she decided to tell her daughter she has a dad. (Who the girl has met - she just always called him by his first name.)
Anyway, I'm rambling. I just think the truth can be hard and sometimes there are no comfy answers, but it's worth it to be upfront from the beginning - good for you for wanting to tell him sooner rather than later. If it's just something he's always known, it's never a shock. It might be sad or confusing, but just like he has his birth mom in Thailand and you, he's also got a brother in Thailand and Ian. It might seem normal to him for now, and you can help him with any sadness as his understanding changes to think about it differently. His confidence that you're always there to support his feelings, whatever they are, is as important as the truth. You know him best, so follow your heart!
Hi, Hannah - I still follow your blog and wanted to wish you a Happy Hannakuh. This subject is a tricky one that I have no experience in, but I would have to agree with Robin that your are better off to tell him now even if it is tricky. All the books I am reading (too many perhaps) say honestly and being up front is the best way to go. Best of luck.
I am still reading also. I have no experience with this as you know just an opinion.
I agree with the other comment about using the concept that just like he has you and Ian at home he has a birth mother and brother in Thailand. Is there a chance that he will meet them one day? Is that a possible?
You could try as he gets older to answer the questions of why she keep his brother and not him.
I don't know.
You will know what is best. you always do.
Hannah, can you tell him now that his birth brother stayed with his birth mom, so she wouldn't be lonely, and Jesse came to live with you and Sam and Ian, so you wouldn't be lonely? Then as he gets older, you can introduce concepts like, maybe she didn't have enough money to be able to support him, but she loved him enough to want him to be able to go to school, and have enough to eat, things like that?
Happy Hannukah Hannah!
Yes I still read all your posts but I use Google reader so I'm not sure if that shows as a visitor to you.
Your situation is very hard. We are still working out the finer points of Hugo's story too. The other comments were all good. Especially Robin pointing out that he can grasp the idea of a birth mother there and a mom here, so a birth brother there and a brother here probably isn't as difficult for him as we imagine it might be, with our adult perspective.
Hi Hannah,
I've been following your blog for a few months and I love all that you share with us, your boys are so cute.
I'm Scottish but now live in Alice Springs Australia. My husband and I are at the begining of our Thai adoption and are hoping to have our file off at the end of January 2009, so all your info has been great.
My mom and dad divorced when I was young and my dad went to the states to live. He kept in touch but never told me he had a new wife and two daughters. I only found out when I went to America to work when I was 18, we were all very upset with him- my alf asisters included. I have never really had much of a relationship with his since, but fortunatly I keep in touch with one of my sisters.
I think tell Jesse what is age appropriate, he will decide what he wants to do with that information and hopefully you can help him if he feels sad about it. I thought maybe if you put the photo of his birth mom and brother in a little double frame somewhere in the house so that its around everyday and if he wants to ask questions he can.
I hope this helps, keep blogging,
Dawn
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