The good with the bad
Well - this was going to be a happy post but my heart is being far overshadowed by what I would consider a set-back. First the happy news : we are going to court on Thursday to start our finalization process. It's not official because we still need to wait for approval from Thailand to actually finalize but this will start the process in the courts. Hopefully our approval from Thailand will arrive just before the courts have processed the paperwork (since we are almost 2/3 done with our post placements visits - next one is scheduled for October 3rd) and everything will be finalized in 6 months. From what I understand the actually court date is a big deal to us, but not like you see on TV. No special stuffed animals or balloons, no photos with the judge....but to us it's a huge deal - so maybe we'll have ice cream for lunch or something to celebrate! :)
On the other hand - I was wrong about Ian. I don't think he's adjusting as well as I thought last week and apparently it was all an act so I'd let my guard down. Okay - do I really think my 4 year old it that cunning? I would hope not, but it certainly feels like I've been duped. He's currently in his room being punished for hitting and throwing things at Sam. What makes the entire situation worse is when we try to reason with him and talk to him he laughs at us....until we actually put him on his bed and close the door - the he wails! Not cries - WAILS. I no longer know what to do. He has decided to ignore every rule every established and is apparently suffering a severe hearing loss - because we need to tell him to stop 3 times before he even reacts (take note, I did not say stops). I feel like I'm failing him but I don't know what else to do - he often puts me out on a very thin limb.....
I read an article once that talked about how far can you really go when blaming things on adoption - meaning when a child who was adopted as an infant can't make friends is that really because he was adopted? Trust me the examples were pretty extreme but now I'm wondering....did I do this to Ian? Did I cause him such pain and emotional upset by bringing Jesse home? Or is this just normal 4.5 year old behavior? Sounds like a chicken/egg problem. I just wish I could figure it all out.
On the other hand - I was wrong about Ian. I don't think he's adjusting as well as I thought last week and apparently it was all an act so I'd let my guard down. Okay - do I really think my 4 year old it that cunning? I would hope not, but it certainly feels like I've been duped. He's currently in his room being punished for hitting and throwing things at Sam. What makes the entire situation worse is when we try to reason with him and talk to him he laughs at us....until we actually put him on his bed and close the door - the he wails! Not cries - WAILS. I no longer know what to do. He has decided to ignore every rule every established and is apparently suffering a severe hearing loss - because we need to tell him to stop 3 times before he even reacts (take note, I did not say stops). I feel like I'm failing him but I don't know what else to do - he often puts me out on a very thin limb.....
I read an article once that talked about how far can you really go when blaming things on adoption - meaning when a child who was adopted as an infant can't make friends is that really because he was adopted? Trust me the examples were pretty extreme but now I'm wondering....did I do this to Ian? Did I cause him such pain and emotional upset by bringing Jesse home? Or is this just normal 4.5 year old behavior? Sounds like a chicken/egg problem. I just wish I could figure it all out.
posted by Hannah | 6:09 PM
5 Comments:
From what I know of 4.5-yr-olds, they're little despots, and this is what they do. Hannah, you didn't bring this on your son. Something was bound to happen sooner or later (a best friend moves, he has to switch preschools, a dog dies) that was going to be 'traumatic.' When you're 4, everything is a disaster. Even if Sam had been born into your family, I think Ian would have been shaken by the whole deal. Unfortunately, you can't reason with him, because children are crazy. Reason only comes with school-age-hood, and then only fleetingly before teenagerhood sets in (at which time it takes a long vacation in Bermuda. Best of luck! Try not to lose your mind.
Hi Hannah, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. I don't know about parenting 4 yr olds yet so I'm sorry I'm no help, I'm sorry you are having to deal with these extra things, hopefully it will resolve itself soon.
Hannah, I teach 4 year olds every week day. This behavior is very, very common. Perhaps that's why we get so many kids with wild behavior. The parents are feeling frazzled and at their wits' end. So, they let the teachers try to figure it out. And trust me, I'm still learning about how to deal with four year olds. The ones who often act out the worst are ones who come to our school as only children and they have never had to learn how to share at home or kids who've recently become big brothers/sisters (not by adoption). So, please don't blame yourself. It's all quite normal. Just keep lovingly showing him that the boundaries still exist and that will actually make him feel safe to know that his whole world hasn't collapsed even if he's giving you drama and making you think it has.
Hey there - I think it's normal 4 year old behavior because my kid if getting into the same kind of power struggles and I don't have an adoption to blame it on! We've also got the hearing loss going on. :-P And yes I think a 4 year old can be THAT cunning!!! :-D
I have no idea what normal behavior is, so I'm glad so many commenters have offered up their wisdom.
It can't be easy and I hope you are soon back in a happy place :-)
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