Buyer's remorse or....

Okay - not exactly buyer's remorse because I still love everything I bought over the weekend and have no desire to return any of it. However - some emotions that haunted me during treatment are back. It's hard to explain but one of those one step forward two steps back kinda things. Like because I was feeling good and happy and anticipating Jesse's arrival I shall now be punished and we won't travel until June, or something. Or worse - Brad and Angelina saw our son and fell in love and now they get to take him home instead of us. Because really who wouldn't want to be taken home by them? But anyway, it's like when going through treatments, getting your hopes up is like emotional suicide - thinking good thoughts and feeling positive only makes the bad news worse and then feelings of guilt ensue. Like "Oh, I was too optimistic, what gives me that right? Someone is sending me a message - reminder me I'm not in control" Look, I never said it was logical or rational - trust me I know one is not punished for thinking happy thoughts but when things go bad over and over again when you feel you've done nothing wrong....it's hard to swallow.

So, now I can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach saying "You've gotten too far ahead of yourself - now you will be punished." It means nothing - I know my buying a diaper bag has no influence on the members of a board in Bangkok who are reviewing my file. I'm pretty sure - they don't even know! :) Again - it goes back to all those feelings of things just aren't going to go my way. I really thought most of this baggage would go away after a while. It's been over 4 years since I was in treatment and really I won that prize, pregnancy. So what's wrong with me? I know I'm lucky - and that's worse because now I feel I know better, I should be able to shake these feelings. But they never seem to go away - is that normal?

Not that I've ever been normal. :)