October

Well, October is finally here. We've officially been "expecting" for 12 months, but what seems even more unreal than that is the fact that it's so very possible by the end of this month we'll have our referral. The covetted referral - the one thing that has kept us going and hoping and dreaming all this months. On one had it seems to surreal that this might be coming to and end soon - all those interviews, all that paperwork, and all the waiting. BUT on the other hand it is all too real and I find myself taking deep breaths to calm the butterflies in my stomach. I can't fall asleep at night thinking about bunk beds or two beds? Will he need the crib? Am I expecting a toddler when actually he'll still be a baby? Really, we have no idea, he could currently be 10 months old or 22 months old! This image in my head is forever melding and rearranging itself as my thoughts wonder around in circles.

I'm actually going to be traveling to Thailand! How weird is that? I mean, it's what we've bee n working toward for the last 2 years but to have it be so real is so unreal. I just want my picture, I want to know my son and dream of him instead some imaginary boy in my head. I want to smile ear to ear, not only at the thought of him being out there but because I know who he is.

October will be rough - but not in the way I expected. I don't hang out waiting for the phone to ring but I do always have that little bit of hope that today might be the day (pathetic I know since it's only the 4th of the month). At least I'm always looking forward to tomorrow.