Daydreaming

I've noticed now that my life is a little less structured (no class schedule, no papers due, no meetings to attend) my mind has a lot more time to wonder. At night I find it hard to fall asleep because my mind just runs and runs all the questions, possibilities, and plans of the days (past and to come). I often wake Sam up (because he can fall asleep in 10 seconds) because a question has popped into my head that I should have asked him sometime that afternoon.

Today I found myself daydreaming about "the phone call." What will it actually be like to hear Andrea tell us we're going to Thailand? How could I possibly feel in that moment - what will I be thinking? I think about how I should feel, how I should react - excited, crying, happy. But will I instantly go into panic mode? Making lists of things to do.....things to gather.....schedules to plan.....will I miss my moment? Will I be able to take a step back and actually comprehend we will be traveling?

Will I even get a phone call? It's still several days away and I've already started thinking about the possibility that this won't happen. That I wanted it too badly -

Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine this ever ending - us ever getting "the phone call". Like we will be in a constant state of waiting. It's been over two years since we started this journey - and I always new it would end. That's the power of adoption - you know you'll have a baby in the end.....but have you ever just waited for something for so long it doesn't feel real anymore? I see his pictures - his wonderful pictures of him and the gifts we sent.....and he's there - he's real. But sometimes, THIS just doesn't seem real and therefore the idea of my actually getting on a plane and going to Thailand seems like crazy talk.

I want it to be real. I want that call. I'm afraid to want too much.