I see the light

I've put off posting for a few days because I didn't want to regret what I wrote (seeing how my friend is scrapbooking this diary for all eternity). I also needed some time to sort through the darkness - and believe me the last few days have been very dark. But in the infinite wisdom of the guilty pleasure "7th Heaven" I can choose my emotions and decide how I want to feel. And I've decided I no longer want to feel dark, damaged, or hopeless. This however does not immediately equal feeling light, perfect, and hopeful - it does mean though that I certainly see the light. I'm taking back control of my life and I will not allow myself to let days or weeks pass by without me acknowledging them.

I think I was putting too much stock in someone else's faith. I wanted to believe in what I was being told and what she believed - but I need to find my happy medium. Unfortunately this means making myself emotionally done with this process. I can no longer afford to put my heart into this final wait 100%. It's not fair to my son or my husband - or my mom who spends a lot of time with my grumpy ass. I will listen to what I'm being told - then move on. I hate that I have to choose between my life and the adoption - but I can't live for the adoption anymore.

It also makes my heart heavy that I'm feeling not only disconnected but also.....leery. I can't imagine ever encouraging someone to follow in my footsteps. Maybe when Jesse is home and I can look back and say "yup, that sucked but it was all worth it now" - but I'm not there yet.

We have taken one step toward the future - buying a bigger family car. We are now the proud owners of a Mazda5. I will take a picture and post it later. Zoom Zoom!