So much support

Thanks everyone for the super kind emails and messages about my soul searching. I'm currently sitting at a Panera with my cute little computer getting ready to hunker down. I've decided I need to try and write something everyday to help build myself back up. And I'm going to continue reading nearly every night.

I went to Borders on Monday and wrote a page. It took me 45 minutes and I don't know if it's any good, if it can develop into anything or if it's just going to be an exercise type page. But I wrote.

I haven't decided what kind of writing I'm going to focus on. I was never going to be a novelist - I was always a short story writer. I've been thinking about writing children's stories (like suggested by a dear friend), or even a song. I don't want to assume I'm so all-knowing enough to write non-fiction....but even just for my own I might try that.

I came to the realization the other day that I have healed somewhat from my infertility battle. I found out a few of my friends (not close) are pregnant or had had a baby and I was truly happy for them. There was no fake front or anything I needed to pretend about - it didn't make my heartache in anyway. I was truly happy for them. It felt great! I hope all my friends get to this point in their lives. Especially those who have endured such a long wait to build their families.

Again thanks for the support - and my goal to write means you will probably be hearing from me more often. Maybe if I write something I feel is worthy, I'll post it for all my supporters to see :)

Still pondering

I know I've made a few posts regarding my own personal development and I'm sure you are sick of reading about it...but I have some bad news...I think I'm going to start using this blog to help me sort through what's in my head. I'm also going to start a written journal again (because I even I know not everything needs to end up in the blogesphere). So, some future entries won't have much to do with the kids. (But just so you know, they are both doing great and really excited warm weather has finally arrived).

I few things going through my head. I'm having issues figuring out where I fit in. For the majority of my life I've belonged to a club/organization. I've had meetings, events, and things in my life that meant a lot to me. Everything from newspaper staff in high school, choir in college, onto RESOLVE and the pre-adoption support group. Recently I've felt like I don't really belong to anything. I've attended ever PTC (parent-teacher council) meeting for this school year and still don't have a committee or event I belong to. There just doesn't seem to be a place for me to fit in. I used to think I belonged at work. I was a part of the process and the community....but I would say that is no longer true. It's become very clear lately that I'm just to come in and do my job and leave. No extra help, or opinions needed and no insider information will be shared. Half the time I don't even know what's going on.

So this leads me to....where do I go from here? To they have support groups for people who have lost their purposes? I bought a new netbook because I thought it would help me start writing again. Remembering that writing was a big part of who I used to be when I felt like I belonged. But the more I start thinking about starting to write....the more I think I don't have any stories left in me. What if I can't do it anymore? Especially since I'm reading this great book and every time I finish a section I feel less competent than I did before I started.

Now on the work level....I've been thinking about applying for a job in retail. In more recent years I have gotten very into fashion, jewelry, and such. Not like knowing designers and following this seasons collections...but enjoying putting outfits together...and I do have a sickness when it comes to purses and jewelry. But with the kids it's hard to imagine me fitting into a managers schedule. Especially if my primary baby-sitter takes off for a month over the summer.

I have hobbies...I miss singing in a choir (but don't want to join a church group and I'm not sure I'm good enough to audition for anything), I enjoy making jewelry - but that is usually done alone in my living room. I'm still designing photo greetings, but it's not a business or anything.

I'm taking some personal time at the end of this month. I don't know what I'm going to accomplish during it, except I will have no one to take care of during my time away. It has recently occurred to me that I'm far more selfish than I ever thought I was......does that make me a bad mother? human being? Maybe what I thought I was cut out for has been wrong all along.

So here I am, kinda lost. But I don't know how to start being found.