Turkey Day gathering

It's been a crazy week - I headed down to Cincinnati early for the holiday weekend. My mom, Ian, and I left on Monday afternoon and arrived in time for dinner - not bad considering traveling with a kid in diapers (locked into a car seat) and my mom, famous for her small bladder. But it was an uneventful affair with the exception of the confusing Indianapolis expressway system. We did, however, manage to stay on course and not get lost (a major feet from the last major road trip I took without my husband, Sam). The whole idea of going down early was to spend more time with my sister and her family before her in-laws arrived. It was nice because my oldest sister, Elise (the one who lives in Cincy) and my middle sister, Donna (lives in Virginia) are hardly ever together. It always seems like a good idea ahead of time :) We had a good time and it was good to see my nieces and nephew. Elise's kids are 8 years old (twins), it's hard for them to understand the concept of family building, and I get that - but a few weeks prior to Thanksgiving, during a phone conversation, the topic of Sam and I having more kids came up. I was taken aback - didn't they know? I briefly mentioned our adoption plan (knowing how complex it could be to explain over the phone) and my sister brought in a family friend as an example. I was a little saddened by the fact our plans had not been shared.

During the visit with Elise's in-laws there were more questions about our family plans. "Thinking of having another one?" "When are you guys going to have another one?" All the usual questions. Again, I was a little shocked. We are not longer in the starting stages - although we still have a long way to go - we are deep in this process and have a real plan and process ahead of us. Wouldn't she have told them if I was pregnant? I don't know why the information wasn't shared - or why I took it so personally. Is this different from expecting the usual way? Should I be treated differently - not talking about it - is it not as real? It feels real, so much more real than trying to conceive through treatments. At least I know there is a baby out there (possibly already born) waiting for us.

I'm anxious about the agency's trip to Thailand - waiting for any bit of information they can offer. But that'll be another few weeks.

Update

I spoke with once of the directors at WACAP the other night. She reassured me about many of the benefits of the Thai program and encrouaged me to be strong and hold on (of course she doesn't want us to bail, then they'd lose the money - although I'm sure she has some best interest if children in mind). The agency is planning a trip to Thailand. It's like a goodwill tour, touching base with contacts and program leaders on that side. The bonus is she is planning on meeting with the Thai Red Cross at which point will ask about all 3 (yup only 3) families in our same program. Hopefully she'll come back with some good news about our status. She also plans on inquiring about the how the wait time is looking. A lot of the statistics from our agency are squed because many families request girls, and unlike other Asian countries (China) girls are not common, therefore making the wait time very long. We are ready and willing for a boy - almost expecting it. I kinda wish we would have check that box, but it really didn't matter to us. But I already know boys - I'm comfortable with boys and have much boy clothes and toys, so that's a-okay with me. Sam is not the type to pine for a daddy's girl, so we are good all around. If only time would fly.

Anyway - the trip is planned for the beginning of December, so hopefully by the middle of the month we'll have some happy news to report, or at least news - which is better than we have now.

What's wrong with me?

Man - I thought these feelings were over once we put the intertility treatments behind us. I went through two years of my life wondering why I was being punished, why I was broken, why I was not being granted that pregnancy so many received without wanting it. Once Ian was born and I knew there would not be another day of treatments in my life, I thought all those emotions would be behind me. But they are not.

My "friend" (I don't really know her that well) is in China probably holding her daughter as I write this. Holding her and feeling happy and proud and finally finishing her infertility journey. And I'm sitting here, hating her, jealous, and envious, and wanting to be her - all those feelings I'd have when I'd see a pregnant woman. She and her husband deserve this - their journey longer and harder than I can imagine and now they have success. But that doesn't keep me from wanting to scream and cry and shout to the heaven's "Why not me!!!!!!"

The adoption journey was suppose to be one of hope - joy - ease. Knowing all along that there will be a child at the end. Something never thought about during treatments. But my end seems a lifetime away. I feel we jumped the gun - perhaps getting so excited. How can I handle the next year of people asking me about Thailand, knowing it's still so far away. How can I handle it when people forget because no news has come for so long. We still do not have our pre-approval status. The real waiting has not even begun.

I've been feeling broken again lately. Feeling like even now, if only I could do this on my own. I do believe adoption is the right choice for us - no doubts, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to choose. Sometimes I wish it was as easy as just getting pregnant. I've been thinking about what if we didn't go with Thailand - what if we changed directions and started looking into domestic.....what if I have chosen wrong and my child will never know me or be loved by me? Why was I so closed off to that idea of South America? If the wait was going to be this long, should we have just waited until we were old enough to do a China program?

Usually I can take a deep breath and move on - clear my head and find my happy place. But the past few days it's been hard. We attended an adoption conference over the weekend. It was suppose to be empowering and uplifting and actually I found myself a little depressed - knowing that we could attend 2 more of these and still be in the same place we are now - watching all these people around us build their families.

I hope I don't feel this way for long. I don't want to be broken, I don't want to be jealous and spiteful. I don't want to go through another time period in my life that I wish I could wish away. I feel like I think about this all the time, I feel Sam doesn't think about it at all, and I feel like our families just don't get it. I feel very alone even though I'm surrounded by people in the same situation who I know support us. I feel broken and I still can't figure out why me.

It does happen

Well, the end of the tunnel does eventually come and I have proof. A friend and her husband are currently in China waiting to meet their daughter! They are traveling for an extra long time to get to know the country and culture and will then get to bring home their little girl on Thanksgiving Day! It's amazing to see a family I know complete the international journey and gives me hope to be strong and continue on. Although, I'm a little bitter as I learn more about their wait time and such. From the time their dossier arrived in China until now has only been 9 months!!!!!!!! Man, I wish we were older! But alas - we are not going to China, we are waiting for the wonderful Thailand for our newest addition. I guess that's how things were suppose to be. You might have guessed, there is no new news on our dossier, so we just keep waiting.

We are excited about attending an adoption convention in a couple of weeks. It's a fun day of sessions about everything you'd need to know about adoption from start until finish (and then some on parenting and social issues). It'll be a great super empowering day that we are really looking forward to.

A good cause

Hey everyone who's reading! :) I just wanted to mention this fundraiser event I'm planning for an organization, RESOLVE. It's an infertility support and education group - this is the group that sponsors all the SOS groups I've been to and find so incredibly helpful. I'm on the Board of Directors and know how important fundraising is for our non-profit organization. We are planning a huge home-party holiday bazaar. We are going to have 8 reps from different companies in one room for people to shop and each rep will be donating a portion to RESOLVE. Even if you live too far away to attend the November 19th event, I can help you get in contact with any rep you'd like. Most have websites that you can browse around and decide what you'd like to by - and best of all, everything will be shipped directly to you, the customer.

We will have Discovery Toys, Tastefully Simple, Pampered Chef, Premier Designs Jewelry, Creative Memories, Mary Kay, Tupperware, and Partylite.

Just let me know and I can hook you up with more information! THANKS!