Why oh why?!?!?!?

I can't believe this is happening - I don't even know what is happening but all these situations are running through my head. Of all the places in all the world - why oh why did there have to be bombs in Bangkok? A normally very peaceful place - and now who knows. This could change everything - it could change nothing - but unless it's figured out who, what and why these bombs are all about I can't imagine it not changing things.

I was just starting to think about contact our agnecy again - about having them email and question the TRC about our paperwork and how things are progressing with their timeline. It's been 6 weeks - that's when they said the report should be finished. How patient can they expect us to be? I've been thinking beyond the referral lately - thinking of travel and bringing home our boy. Knowing that the paperwork was just a minor step waiting to happen. Thinking it would happen anytime now - but now......what if this changes everything? What if he's forced to sit there for months more and I'm forced to sit here being able to control nothing and not get to him and be with him? I have so many thoughts running through my head I can't even sort them out. My heart is breaking into a million pieces just at the idea of something going wrong at this point. Something causing an even bigger delay or worse......god, I can't even think about worse.

This is not how I wanted to ring in the new year.

10 months old

Yesturday was Baby Listopad's 10 month-a-versary. It made me sad to think so much time is passing and we still don't seem to be any closer to bringing him home. It's been over a month since the agency's visit - which I know they said another 6 weeks for the referral. But him going from 9 months old to 10 months old and knowing that there will still be many months before I can hold him is starting to bring me down.

I just keep thinking about this little guy out there - not even knowing I exsist - not even knowing that I think about him everyday and already care about him so much. He's so little and now more than anything he needs me, his mother - he needs hugs and snuggles and stories and songs and all those things I can't give him right now.

I know everything will change over night - one day we'll just get the call and we'll have his paperwork and then again we'll get a call about traveling. But overnight seems so far away right now. I just want to get on a plane and go to him.

I feel like I want to start making plans. Start looking through Ian's old clothes, start looking at strollers, start rearranging the bedroom and the dresser drawers - all the things to make room for number 2. But at the same time, I think how silly I am. We don't even have the referral yet! It's a mixed bag of emotions running through me at the moment. I never know which one will pop up.

The beauty of holiday cards

I've always sent out cards during the holidays. Even before I was married - even when I was in college. For as long as I've been functioning on my own, I've sent out holiday cards. I love getting organized, getting the cards, buying a new pen to address the envelopes.....the whole nine yards. Some people hate it, send out cards at the last minute only to a handful of people. Others write letters and include a history of the year and catch everyone up before the next year begins. I love them all. But now - my world has changed and I've been introduced to the photo card. I wouldn't say they were my favorite cards to receive while going through treatment. They often made me sad, bitter, and all those fun treatment emotions all rolled into one - but things have changed. Not only because my family has changed but I think everyone should be required to send picture cards - single, married, with children, with pets - whatever! I just love receiving them and seeing those little faces I haven't seen in a long time - perhaps since last years card sending season. I enjoy receiving the update letters too, but not as much as the pictures - even with nothing more than the printed message (although today I did receive a card from a college friend with no message or anything just a picture - and I'm going to write her a letter and complain. Because I NEVER hear from her at all).

Anyway....it made me think how my family picture will be so very different next year. We've really hit a point in our journey that I can safely and confidently say "at this time next year......" and include our second son in my vision. Each year we take a family photo for our card (I think I'll include it in the email) and next year it'll be not so different - just one more person - but so very different all at the same time. It keeps my spirits high just thinking about it.
Happy Holidays everyone!

Getting some practice

Yesterday morning I had a chance to see what it would be like to have my two boys home (and running around). My friends Mike & Maria needed a favor, so I babysat for their son, Simon. Simon is actually just about a week younger than our little guy - so it was perfect. I was super nervous at first. It's been a while since I've taken care of a child that can't talk back and tell me what they need, when they are hungry, or if they need a diaper change. Thankfully, Simon is a great baby and we get along really well.

It was interesting loading everyone up and getting Ian ready for school and driving with two kids in the backseat. Carrying Simon, trying to hold Ian's hand, and not fall on a sheet of ice in the parking lot was also interesting (I must have been a sight for those seasoned mothers of three). I forgot how heavy little bodies can be when you have to hold them all the time. After dropping Ian off, Simon and I were homeward bound. We had a pleasant morning together (although he refused his morning nap) and it was a lot of fun being around that age again. It seems like forever since Ian was that little - and I know our son will be older when he gets home but it was a nice experiment. Ian had a rough time not getting all the attention - I was not really expecting that. I think we'll have to have Simon over more often for playdates and such. I don't think Maria will mind. :)

Ever since Thanksgiving I've been in a very peaceful place. Of course I'm anxious about the referral but a strange calm has come over me. I wish I could explain it - know how to conjure it when I need it again. For now, it's really great and making the holidays better than expected.