Upswing

Amazing what a good cry can do. I'm feeling so much better and in a much better place although nothing has really changed in terms of travel dates. I talked to Andrea and although she has no answers she's very reassuring - and very supportive. Just the way she talks to me is almost nurturing and I really feel she's doing everything she can to help us along in this process. Well, her feelings are that we could really hear about traveling any day now and that we actually don't have to wait for these meetings to hear anything. She said after people are presented the files go to the social worker - and she's in charge or fitting everyone into the calendar. That's where Andrea feels our file is, sitting there waiting to be fit into the calendar. All I can do is take a deep breath and try to stay positive because March was not a good month - and I don't want to go back to that place.

But we did receive some information from the family that just got back from bringing home their son. They got home last weekend, so everything is still fresh - and I was surprised to hear from her to quickly - but she sent me a mini update. She caught a glimpse of Jesse while she was at the TRC - he still doesn't have much hair. :) Also, one of the women who runs the TRC told her that he's walking!!!!!!! I can't even believe it - he's walking!!!!!! He's only 13 months old - I don't care who you are orphanage or not - that's good! Right on track with Ian when he was a baby.

So I'm going to bed with visions of my sweet baby (who's actually a toddler) waddling around and hopefully we will hear something very soon about being able to bring him home.

A good cry

I've seemed to turn a mental corner. I'm not feeling totally perky or anything but at least I can manage to communicate with others and focus on my daily activities. I had myself a good cry Thursday night. I just lost it - and let everything pour out of my soul (via my eyes and my nose). It was a long, hard, stupid kind of cry that came in waves and just when I thought it was over another wave came crashing in. Fridays are my down days - no school, no work, no place in particular we have to be. It's often our playdate day but we had no plans, which worked out well as my emotional state tried to recover. We also sent Ian out for a sleep over - and took a much needed date night for ourselves. It was nice, had a great dinner, saw a great movie, came home and cleaned the house for the following day (family was coming over to celebrate Ian's birthday). And okay, in all honest, Sam cleaned the house and I crashed into an uninturrupted night of slumber. I have no idea what the week will bring but for now I feel on the upswing again so that's a good sign. Baby steps, right?

Ian's big day

Today is Ian's 4th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been for long years since the day he entered our lives. It's gone so fast but seems like he's been around for ever. I can't even describe how he makes me feel from my insides out. It's more than pride, love, admiration - it's so much more. How can I describe something that has changed my life so profoundly. I think back to those times he was a baby - before movement and speech. Before I knew who he was - the love was different. The little boy he is today has given me a glimpse of the man he will become - and all the stages inbetween. I'm one lucky mother to have him as my own.

I can't wait to start making these types of memories and realizations about Jesse. It's magical to watch a person grow and become someone. Pure magic.

Back off!

That's how I've been feeling lately - Back off, people! For really no good reason except that everything is exploding inside my head. The past few weeks have been really hard for me because time keep slipping away. At this very moment a family is over in Thailand getting ready to bring home their son. A son that is at the Thai Red Cross. I'm happy for them but it's bittersweet because they received their referral in November when our agency returned from the trip. We should have gotten our referral then too - but we didn't. We should have been traveling and spending the last few weeks of March in Thailand - but we aren't. And I think I'm starting to not be handling all this so well. Wednesday is Ian's 4th birthday, it is also the last March board meeting in Thailand. I don't know if I've ever explained this part of the process but basically there is a board of people who meet and discuss all the adoptions going on in Thailand. This topic is discussed every other Wednesday - half the day for approvals and travel assignments, and half the day for those who are in the country ready to get approval to leave. So basically there is only half a day every other Wednesday that we are able to receive an invite to travel. If our file is not presented this Wednesday then our chances of traveling in April have all but vanished. It's really hard for me to get my head around. We had so many set backs and delays and Jesse has gone from this 6 month old little baby (when we were first matched) to now approaching 13 months old. By the time we travel he could be nearly 16 months old. Needless to say I have not been a pleasant person this past week. Along with having to plan Ian's birthday party (which was today and fabulous) I've been a little hard to be around. Poor Ian has received a large portion of my exploding head.

We were so ready for April. April seemed so far away - like it couldn't possibly actually take that long - not way back in August when we first heard of our match. Not back when we were suppose to get our referral in October or November. But we didn't. I still thought April was a strong possibility - I really believed in it. Now I'm lost and I don't know what to believe.

Catching up

Here are few pictures from our birthday celebration for Jesse.

Reality Check

This post has little to do with adoption and a lot to do with family. I just heard (literally like 15 minutes ago) that my grandfather passed away. I can't honestly say he was a strong presence in my life - for a lot of reasons, mostly personality differences and location, but it still makes me sad. I'm sad for my aunt and my dad because they no longer have their parents around, sad for me and my sisters because we have no natural grandparents left in our lives, sad that there won't be any more 4 generation pictures taken, and sad because it has made me realize one day I too will lose my dad, and Ian and Jesse theirs.

I haven't had a lot of experience with death - a little hard to believe since I'm 31 years old. 2 of my grandparents were gone before I was born, and my Bubbie (my grandmother) passed away 5 years ago. I still carry her obituary in my wallet - I have no idea why. I'm scared of death - I'm scared of losing those around me and everything coming to and end. I'm scared to leave my children (even if they are adults at the time) and I'm scared to ever have to live a day without Sam. A little crazy and immature, huh? Self indulgent and naive?

Even if we weren't close or talk on the phone all the time, I love my Grandpa and will remember him always.

nesting?

I've been in the mood latley to organize and purge. I think it's the safest way I can think of to start preparing for Jesse's arrival. I mean, it's not buying anything, it's not baby stuff, it's not focused on him - therefore I will have no associated fears from my preparation. We are organizing and cleaning a few areas of the house but it has not turned out to be as productive as I had hoped. 1)We are far messier than it appears on the surface (which is pretty messy, apparently our mess has multiple levels) 2) I'm a very bad cleaner. I can go pretty strong for awhile but once I find a break in my rhythm or something to distract me I'm off track - therefore loosing precious time.

One thing I've been dealing with lately it my feelings of being overwhelmed. Somedays Ian is just a hand full (which I'm not honestly used to because he's a really good kid) and his 4 year old self is coming out. I have to realize he's not my little baby anymore and sometimes he has bad days and grumpy days and such as well. There have been times I've looked around our not-so-big-messy house and thought - am I crazy! Not only can I barely handle one kid, I can't take care of a household, AND I'm bringing a new baby home!?!?!?! What was I thinking! But I've discovered this weekend, since Ian is away with my parents, that I can't live without my kid and I know I'll love and cherish Jesse just as much. Being a mother of two is going to be challenging but I know now that I have enough love and desire to be great at it.