No news

I'm sure there are a few people who are checking looking for an update - so here it is. There is no update. We have not heard from the TRC - and although Andrea has not given up hope, I think it's safe to say that I have. I've been either in a state of sleep, tears, or zombie for the last 48 hours and I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole.

I wanted this.....I believed in this.....I can't do this anymore.......I just want it all to be over.......

I'm afraid this means we won't travel until July or later and I don't understand why....why we just can't go and get him.

Daydreaming

I've noticed now that my life is a little less structured (no class schedule, no papers due, no meetings to attend) my mind has a lot more time to wonder. At night I find it hard to fall asleep because my mind just runs and runs all the questions, possibilities, and plans of the days (past and to come). I often wake Sam up (because he can fall asleep in 10 seconds) because a question has popped into my head that I should have asked him sometime that afternoon.

Today I found myself daydreaming about "the phone call." What will it actually be like to hear Andrea tell us we're going to Thailand? How could I possibly feel in that moment - what will I be thinking? I think about how I should feel, how I should react - excited, crying, happy. But will I instantly go into panic mode? Making lists of things to do.....things to gather.....schedules to plan.....will I miss my moment? Will I be able to take a step back and actually comprehend we will be traveling?

Will I even get a phone call? It's still several days away and I've already started thinking about the possibility that this won't happen. That I wanted it too badly -

Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine this ever ending - us ever getting "the phone call". Like we will be in a constant state of waiting. It's been over two years since we started this journey - and I always new it would end. That's the power of adoption - you know you'll have a baby in the end.....but have you ever just waited for something for so long it doesn't feel real anymore? I see his pictures - his wonderful pictures of him and the gifts we sent.....and he's there - he's real. But sometimes, THIS just doesn't seem real and therefore the idea of my actually getting on a plane and going to Thailand seems like crazy talk.

I want it to be real. I want that call. I'm afraid to want too much.

Who knew?!?!

Most of the people who read this know me personally. I have a few internet friends who found me through various methods, but for the most part everyone reading knows me, my son, and my dear husband, Sam. Sam's a quiet kinda guy - one of little opinion, little bother, and little motivation (just saying). But at the same time he never seizes to amaze me (sometimes in a bad way, but not this time) - one thing Sam is apparently good at is mapping out foreign locations. I don't know how or when but he managed to figure out on a map of Bangkok the general area of nearly every building we will have to visit. While I've been drowning in papers and desperately emailing my alumni friend trying to figure everything out - Sam's been sitting with the laptop researching locations and hotels. Out of no where he knows landmarks, buildings, parks, train stops, and the names of several Bangkok neighborhoods! Who knew?! Now, I love Sam, and don't get me wrong he's a great guy - but communicating is not his best feature, so I was a little nervous even knowing I'd have him by my side the entire trip. Now....not so much. He has planted a seed of calmness into me that I hope will grow into every blood cell I have :)

We have found a great hotel that is a good price, good location, and has a lot of cool amenities (like wi-fi, a playground, pool, on site restaurant, and kitchenettes in each room). It's a huge load off knowing that some pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place. I'm still super confused by a government form I have to fill out and we still need to run around and get another paper notarized.....BUT we are checking several things off our to-do list. Now I can focus on something a little more fun - like shopping for a great, comfy, weather appropriate outfit for our board meeting. :)

As you can tell, I'm in a good mood - I can't guarantee how long this will last - especially with Wednesday just around the corner. We hope to hear our official travel date on Wednesday or Thursday. Keep hoping for May - but I know it might be June.

Meow

I am a big scaredy cat! I am starting to have all these thoughts creep into my head causing me great fear about the final stages of this process.

What if we forget a vital piece of paperwork - or fill something out wrong?
What if we forget where we have to be and when?
What if we pick a hotel that ends up sucking?
What if Jesse doesn't like us?

I know "what ifs" aren't healthy, but this is crazy stressful and we haven't even gotten permission to travel yet! I've never traveled anywhere that I didn't speak the language. I've only ever traveled outside the country by airplane once (to New Zealand - where they speak English!!!!). Otherwise my travel experience is limited to the lower 48 states (and probably really only about 20 of them), Canada, and a Carribbean cruise. Not even Mexico - not even New Mexico!

I've discovered I have a fear of the unknown. I have no idea when this fear set in - I don't remember living my life afraid. Cautious, yes, but never afraid. I even hit the road once for an entire week with 2 friends - our mission: circle the midwest in one week. We did it. We got lost in ever city we entered, but we always found our way to the next stop. All this before cell phones and mapquest. When did I lose that? Is it part of growing up? Becoming a parent? Becoming too comfortable in my life? Now isn't that something to be afaid of - being too comfortable?

I know I will travel - I know I will survive - and I know Jesse will be home with us in the end. It doesn't mean I won't need some sort of medication to make it through it all.

Getting by

It's always nice to have someone in your corner - someone you know is rooting for you and thinking of you and maybe even praying for you. I feel I have many of those things going on for me these days. After another mini breakdown, Andrea from WACAP did her best to reassure me. She told me I was strong and I could do this - she said "It's only a matter of time" which doesn't sound conforting at first but when I took a step back and thought about she's right. It's not infertility when a matter of time could be 10 months or 10 years.....our son is already out there, he's already ours..it's just a matter of time. I think I can deal with that. But it was nice to know Andrea was willing to fight for us - she sent another email out to the TRC regarding other families and once again sent a plea for our speedy travel...although all I was hoping for was an updated weight so I could buy some clothes. Thanks to Andrea not only did we get updated weight (18.5 lbs) and height (30 in) we received 10 new pictures!!!!!!!!!

I was so overwhelmed looking through them - not only because he had grown so much (the last pictures we had of him he was around 10 months old) but because he was holding presents we had sent him and the photo album we had sent. I felt a real connection at that moment - like even from all the way over here I have already had a small impact on his daily life. It felt really good. So I share with you one of my favorite pictures - enjoy.




And because my poor boy, Ian,
always gets left out - here's one of him too! :)

Maybe tomorrow

I've slipped into a mentality that I think is common of those expecting something. Waiting for something to happen that is beyond their control - for me, I recognize this behavior from my treatment days. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next time, maybe this time.....For those who are Cubs fans it's always - "Maybe this year" that turns into "there's always next year". For me I've been living each day hoping for a phone call. Hoping today's the day when everything I often feel will never happen will happen. The day the impossible becomes possible and my life will be propelled into a new direction. But by the end of the day, I only remember that fact that the phone didn't ring, my life has not changed directions, and I can start all over again tomorrow.

I've been trying the art of positive thinking - the idea that if you sent out the vibes into the universe, the universe will answer you. It hasn't been working. Does this mean the universe doesn't like me? Can't hear me? Is ignoring me?

My days are blending together and my normally sharp mind is slipping. I often forget what day it is - what I have planned - where I need to be. I look at my calendar about 30% more than normal just to remind myself of what's happening in my life. I've already lost 2 years of my life trying to conceive a baby - I don't want to fall into that pattern again while I'm waiting to bring home my baby.